Venting I don't know If I can make it

[HitBlackVein]

I have severe parental issues and went through almost every type of abuse (sexual abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse) I was abused by my mom and brother. I am almost not able to function in my life without having any parental figure, someone who I can follow. My family is better now, just like it should be. But my trauma never left me, I am harsh on myself, starving, cutting, not letting myself sleep if I don't study well. It's my last year in high school (I am 19). My whole life was a rat race with my sister, she is not perfect, not better than me, far from that actually. But everyone loves her, loved her. I was always eager to be her rival, I tried to be better. But now it feels like I am falling apart, she is getting better than me again. It feels like hell, I want to end this so much because I am tired, I had everything taken away from me and all I got back was more of this bullshit. This is tiring, I am just a problem, my life is problem, from head to feet I am so fucking tired

 

[SVEN]

I totally get how weary it is, always getting knocked down by life, fighting to get back up again just to get knocked down again.

 

[Holu]

I have severe parental issues and went through almost every type of abuser (sexual abuse, verbal abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse) I was abused by my mom and brother. I am almost not able to function in my life without having any parental figure, someone who I can follow. My family is better now, just like it should be. But my trauma never left me, I am harsh on myself, starving, cutting, not letting myself sleep if I don't study well. It's my last year in high school (I am 19). My whole life was a rat race with my sister, she is not perfect, not better than me, far from that actually. But everyone loves her, loved her. I was always eager to be her rival, I tried to be better. But now it feels like I am falling apart, she is getting better than me again. It feels like hell, I want to end this so much because I am tired, I had everything taken away from me and all I got back was more of this bullshit. This is tiring, I am just a problem, my life is problem, from head to feet I am so fucking tired

Istg reading shit like this ticks me the fuck off. I wish I could murder every single abuser. I wish I could tear their flesh apart and turn their entrails into art. At least then they would have a fucking positive moment.

On a more level headed note I am nothing but disgusted with the people who put you through this. It sounds like you are incredibly hard on yourself and it's understandable with all you have been through.

Furthermore, the last year of highschool was absolutely terrifying for me. I have said it before but I'm two years older than I want to be. I should have died at 18, but I couldn't fucking beat me SI.

If you're feeling worried or lost for the future please feel free to message me. I'm always down to talk okay. Even if I'm unavailable I promise to respond asap. Additionally, there are hundreds of people who are definitely better at talking than me, so reaching out here will do wonders. Regardless, we are all family here. One very big and very fucked in the head family. You are not alone.

One of us one of us one of us!

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful what you've had to endure and I understand why you would feel so tired of it all. This world where people suffer all through no fault of their own is undeniably such a hellish place.

 

[Madao]

My heart screamed reading this, I'm so appalled by what you experienced and the people who caused that trauma. I understand your pain, and it makes me angry to know that pain can even be experienced in this world. You have my support, I really really really really hope this pain for you ends, either naturally or through your own actions.
You can also talk to me, I will be more than willing to listen

 

[HitBlackVein]

Istg reading shit like this ticks me the fuck off. I wish I could murder every single abuser. I wish I could tear their flesh apart and turn their entrails into art. At least then they would have a fucking positive moment.

On a more level headed note I am nothing but disgusted with the people who put you through this. It sounds like you are incredibly hard on yourself and it's understandable with all you have been through.

Furthermore, the last year of highschool was absolutely terrifying for me. I have said it before but I'm two years older than I want to be. I should have died at 18, but I couldn't fucking beat me SI.

If you're feeling worried or lost for the future please feel free to message me. I'm always down to talk okay. Even if I'm unavailable I promise to respond asap. Additionally, there are hundreds of people who are definitely better at talking than me, so reaching out here will do wonders. Regardless, we are all family here. One very big and very fucked in the head family. You are not alone.

One of us one of us one of us!

I didn't ever think that anybody could understand me as well as you did.
Thank you.

 

[HitBlackVein]

My heart screamed reading this, I'm so appalled by what you experienced and the people who caused that trauma. I understand your pain, and it makes me angry to know that pain can even be experienced in this world. You have my support, I really really really really hope this pain for you ends, either naturally or through your own actions.
You can also talk to me, I will be more than willing to listen

And so I hope that any pain that you are suffering from also ends. Thank you :)

That sounds really awful what you've had to endure and I understand why you would feel so tired of it all. This world where people suffer all through no fault of their own is undeniably such a hellish place.

It indeed is.

 

[freonix]

i'm so sorry you had to go through such horrifying experiences, it's no surprise that you're so exhausted. it's infuriating how the people you were supposed to trust the most in this world hurt you so badly. i really hope you'll be able to find some peace & relief, and get a break from your struggles soon somehow. take care

 

[HitBlackVein]

i'm so sorry you had to go through such horrifying experiences, it's no surprise that you're so exhausted. it's infuriating how the people you were supposed to trust the most in this world hurt you so badly. i really hope you'll be able to find some peace & relief, and get a break from your struggles soon somehow. take care

Thank you so much. Take care :)

 

[Holu]

I didn't ever think that anybody could understand me as well as you did.
Thank you.

That makes my heart jump with joy hearing that. Should I miraculously not be dead in a few years I am intending to become a therapist(yes ik we hate therapists). I be obsessed with human psychology and honestly the only thing that brings me real joy is reverse comfort. Am always here for you if you need me <3

 

[HitBlackVein]

That makes my heart jump with joy hearing that. Should I miraculously not be dead in a few years I am intending to become a therapist(yes ik we hate therapists). I be obsessed with human psychology and honestly the only thing that brings me real joy is reverse comfort. Am always here for you if you need me <3

You want to be therapist and you're obsessed with human psychology even tho you hate therepists? I think I found my soulmate

 

[Holu]

You want to be therapist and you're obsessed with human psychology even tho you hate therepists? I think I found my soulmate

Noooo. I do not hate therapists. It's a grueling and suffering profession. I volunteered at a suicide hotline crisis center when I turned 18 in highschool. Shit is lowkey traumatizing.

I spent 10 years in therapy and it didn't work out well. I know a lot of people on this website have similar experiences and as such have a distaste for mental health professionals which is why I included it

 

[voc_89]

i am so sorry to hear that you had to go through this. I was never sexually or physically abused but my 'step-mom' really mentally abused me. Did things to me that made me believe (still to this day) that no woman will ever love me. That I am just here to ruin people's lives. Lol. Adults. Again. I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through worse than this. The only saving grace or advise I can give is that when u can, move out and cut them completely out of your life. I did so. My father and I have somwhat repaired our relationship but, to this day, I never regret cutting him and that woman out of my life. Pursuing further education. And pushing my all into my career so I can be self-sustainable. I hope that you too can do this too. My life isn't perfect (i don't think anyone's is).... but its liveable. And, imo, that should be the aim at least

 

[HitBlackVein]

i am so sorry to hear that you had to go through this. I was never sexually or physically abused but my 'step-mom' really mentally abused me. Did things to me that made me believe (still to this day) that no woman will ever love me. That I am just here to ruin people's lives. Lol. Adults. Again. I am so sorry to hear that you had to go through worse than this. The only saving grace or advise I can give is that when u can, move out and cut them completely out of your life. I did so. My father and I have somwhat repaired our relationship but, to this day, I never regret cutting him and that woman out of my life. Pursuing further education. And pushing my all into my career so I can be self-sustainable. I hope that you too can do this too. My life isn't perfect (i don't think anyone's is).... but its liveable. And, imo, that should be the aim at least

Don't compare traumas, what you went through is also really bad and I truly hope that you are at peace by now.

 

[Holu]

Don't compare traumas, what you went through is also really bad and I truly hope that you are at peace by now.

How r u doing atm. 1-10 with 10 being phenomenal
If it's not too much to ask ofc

 

[voc_89]

Don't compare traumas, what you went through is also really bad and I truly hope that you are at peace by now.

my intention was not to downplay your experience. Nevertheless I apologise for any discomfort caused

 

[HitBlackVein]

How r u doing atm. 1-10 with 10 being phenomenal
If it's not too much to ask ofc

At the moment it's like 6/10, my family is keeping my thoughts away so it's not that bad. Thank you for askin!

 

[Holu]

At the moment it's like 6/10, my family is keeping my thoughts away so it's not that bad. Thank you for askin!

Yayyyy I'm glad to hearrr. And hey 6 is better than 5 which is better than 4 and so on. And don't thank me for asking it's my OBLIGATED duty. We stick together after all.

Hope your days going better and if we not we are here if you need us

 

[KAZ-2Y5]

Idk if it helps but I've been through severe complex trauma as well. Parental abuse, some relatives were abusive to me, sibling abuse, bullying at school as a kid, etc. and more. I totally get how awful it is. You get up ready to fight again just to be knocked out back onto the fucking ground.