Venting I don't know if I can keep going, but I feel like I need to

[FieldsofLavender]

The past few weeks it feels like I've just been getting worse and worse... I feel like I can't even handle my part time job, I'm meant to be working up to being a real, functional adult, but I dread every shift, every hour spent there... I spend nearly the whole shift every time in a refrigerated room, something particularly hard for me as I'm really sensitive to cold, but there's almost nowhere else I can go for a job because I've had my license revoked because of my near constant hallucinations... Just... I feel so... miserable, ehehe... I had to take today off for a doctor's appointment, I was even just a little bit excited for two straight days off, I thought I might be able to even rest enough to feel rested, but then my boss said he's moving my shift to tomorrow, and my dad was like "That's a good thing, right? More hours!" and I'm like, no, I don't want to work, I want to die, every single day feels like torture because I have to wake up at a time that feels so awful for me, I have to work in a room that is physically painful to be in, and then when I get home I have to choose between resting or doing things that should be fun but it feels like I'm always too exhausted to really fully enjoy things, and then I either go to bed early and wake up early enough to do things in the day but miss my time with my only real friends who live on the opposite side of the earth and are only up at night for me, or I stay up just a little bit to be with them and sleep through my whole free day, and no matter what I choose it never feels like it actually rests me, and then I always have to go to bed before I can do anything with my friends the next day because I have to be up early again for work, and I just... I don't know if I can do this anymore, I just want to be done.... And my friends are doing so much to try to help but I feel like I'm wasting their time and effort... But I'm trying so hard, I just want them to be happy but I always just worry and upset them because I'm always in so much pain and as much as I just want to be done already I can't hurt them like that, I feel like I need to keep going even though I feel like I'm in hell, I just want to ctb already... I either can't do anything to make things easier or if I do it'll result in the people around me getting upset and me being even more of a disappointment, I just... I wish I could just die already... I don't want to have to keep going... I don't want to keep weighing down my friends, but I don't want to traumatize them either... I don't want to stay with this hellish job but I don't want to end up with my family even more upset with me... I'm just trapped, in pain, unable to escape without hurting others who don't deserve it...

 

[MrDarkness]

You have a big heart and truly care for your love ones for wanting to keep pushing, I'm in the same boat

 

[EternalDaydreaming]

I also feel the same one of my friends last words to me were telling me to break the chain

 

[throwaway280948]

The past few weeks it feels like I've just been getting worse and worse... I feel like I can't even handle my part time job, I'm meant to be working up to being a real, functional adult, but I dread every shift, every hour spent there... I spend nearly the whole shift every time in a refrigerated room, something particularly hard for me as I'm really sensitive to cold, but there's almost nowhere else I can go for a job because I've had my license revoked because of my near constant hallucinations... Just... I feel so... miserable, ehehe... I had to take today off for a doctor's appointment, I was even just a little bit excited for two straight days off, I thought I might be able to even rest enough to feel rested, but then my boss said he's moving my shift to tomorrow, and my dad was like "That's a good thing, right? More hours!" and I'm like, no, I don't want to work, I want to die, every single day feels like torture because I have to wake up at a time that feels so awful for me, I have to work in a room that is physically painful to be in, and then when I get home I have to choose between resting or doing things that should be fun but it feels like I'm always too exhausted to really fully enjoy things, and then I either go to bed early and wake up early enough to do things in the day but miss my time with my only real friends who live on the opposite side of the earth and are only up at night for me, or I stay up just a little bit to be with them and sleep through my whole free day, and no matter what I choose it never feels like it actually rests me, and then I always have to go to bed before I can do anything with my friends the next day because I have to be up early again for work, and I just... I don't know if I can do this anymore, I just want to be done.... And my friends are doing so much to try to help but I feel like I'm wasting their time and effort... But I'm trying so hard, I just want them to be happy but I always just worry and upset them because I'm always in so much pain and as much as I just want to be done already I can't hurt them like that, I feel like I need to keep going even though I feel like I'm in hell, I just want to ctb already... I either can't do anything to make things easier or if I do it'll result in the people around me getting upset and me being even more of a disappointment, I just... I wish I could just die already... I don't want to have to keep going... I don't want to keep weighing down my friends, but I don't want to traumatize them either... I don't want to stay with this hellish job but I don't want to end up with my family even more upset with me... I'm just trapped, in pain, unable to escape without hurting others who don't deserve it...

Hey friend, I definitely understand the pain and agony you are going through. I had a similar experience with my friends around me and the life I was living. I don't know if you are looking for advice or anything but I will say you are doing an amazing job and I can see that everyday you are trying even though it is extremely difficult you are still doing it and that in itself is really amazing :). I hope you can find your inner peace. Please if you need anything don't hesitate to pm me. Much compassion and support. -MQ

 

[charlotte_]

I totally understand the way you feel. I'm sorry that I don't know what advices I can give you on this, but I find it really admirable of you that you're pushing through all that horrible pain. It is not easy to do really, and you certainly should give yourself credits for that first. As for your friends, I think if they consider yourself as a friend, they wouldn't be bothered with helping you. The fact that they're trying hard for you proves it am I right? You shouldn't feel guilty either. Everyone has low points in their lives, and we all need extra support sometimes.

 

[FuneralCry]

It's really understandable just wanting to be free from all the suffering, it does sound so tiring what you go through and I get that it's so awful feeling trapped here, I wish you the best.

 

[Sweet Tart]

I think you are fucking heroic for carrying all this around everyday, continuing to get things done, and maintaining relationships that sound meaningful to you. I hope you are able to get some time off work to really rest and take a break from everything. You absolutely deserve time to relax away from your responsibilities and worries.

 

[FieldsofLavender]

You have a big heart and truly care for your love ones for wanting to keep pushing, I'm in the same boat

Hey friend, I definitely understand the pain and agony you are going through. I had a similar experience with my friends around me and the life I was living. I don't know if you are looking for advice or anything but I will say you are doing an amazing job and I can see that everyday you are trying even though it is extremely difficult you are still doing it and that in itself is really amazing :). I hope you can find your inner peace. Please if you need anything don't hesitate to pm me. Much compassion and support. -MQ

I totally understand the way you feel. I'm sorry that I don't know what advices I can give you on this, but I find it really admirable of you that you're pushing through all that horrible pain. It is not easy to do really, and you certainly should give yourself credits for that first. As for your friends, I think if they consider yourself as a friend, they wouldn't be bothered with helping you. The fact that they're trying hard for you proves it am I right? You shouldn't feel guilty either. Everyone has low points in their lives, and we all need extra support sometimes.

I think you are fucking heroic for carrying all this around everyday, continuing to get things done, and maintaining relationships that sound meaningful to you. I hope you are able to get some time off work to really rest and take a break from everything. You absolutely deserve time to relax away from your responsibilities and worries.

Th-thank you all so much... I-I... really am trying my best... It's so hard... I finished my shift at work today, and I'm just so tired... So now I choose between resting and getting more sleep, or doing something I'm supposed to enjoy like playing video games... But since I can barely enjoy anything, I'm probably just going to sleep until it's time for my meds, and then sleep again until it's time for my next shift... And I won't be able to spend time with my girlfriend or friends because I can't stay up late because I have work, and I just...
I-I got off track, ehehe... I-I just wanted to say thank you for all of the kind words...