I don’t know how to successfully kill myself.

[theuninstallbutton]

I'm almost 21 years old. I don't know if I even have the time to do it. I would have to wait until my mother falls asleep, but she wakes up to the slightest sound. Unless she's in deep sleep mode or something.

I could hang myself, but I don't have any rope, save for some long scarves I could use, I suppose.
Then again, I probably would fuck up and leave myself paralyzed.

I don't know how long it'd take for me to die from pills like Benadryl. If I were to probably take them at 8pm, would I successfully be dead by 5am? Or, I could try it during my two day break from work. I don't think sleeping pills are lethal anymore, or so I heard.

I don't know how bitcoin works, so I don't know if I can even purchase SN or some other poison, like cyanide. I don't know if the person I'd buy it from is reputable, or if they're just a scammer. Even if it went through, would the post office find out? Get me arrested, or discard the package, effectively having me lose out on money?

My mother is quite toxic and overprotective, so I don't think I'd be able to drive out and find a random building to jump out of. Or even drive the car into a tree, or off some random road into a water.

Of course, my survival instincts would kick in, so I wouldn't want to do something that would leave me to kick and thrash which would wake her up. My closet isn't big enough for me to bang myself in.

I'm not old enough to get a shot gun to effectively do it. I'd have to wait until I turn 21 in a few short months, and I have to renew my driver's license a month after I turn 21 thanks to covid and late appointment set up at the DMV.

Should I go for pills? What can I get that could get the deed done, quickly? Over the counter is preferred. I don't give a shit how painful the death would be, I just want to go, not fail, not be found until after I'm dead and not be able to be resuscitated.

Thanks and sorry for bothering you all.

 

[sadworld]

I don't know how bitcoin works, so I don't know if I can even purchase SN or some other poison

You don't need bitcoin for SN, it's not Heroin or anything from the darknet.

Should I go for pills? What can I get that could get the deed done, quickly? Over the counter is preferred.

I don't think anything otc can kill you... please check out the resources. I really don't want you to unnecessarily hurt yourself. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/suicide-resource-compilation.3/

 

[virginiawoolf86]

It sounds like you're feeling indecisive. And that's normal for something as final as CTB.

My suggestion is that you take some time and really think about if this is something you want to do. Not to say that you haven't already, I'm just surmising based on what you've said so far. I hope you don't take that in offense.

Once you decide, there are a lot of great resources on here (aka: Megathreads) that'll guide you in your journey.

Whatever you decide, I hope that you find your peace.

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

Under no circumstances should you try to OD on any OTC medication. It just won't work but could leave you worse off than you were before.
That is true for other meds as well.

 

[Lazuli]

Not trying to encourage/discourage, just reckon I'd like to share my Benadryl OD experience. I didn't quite pay attention to the dose, just taking as many capsules as I could. I ended up in such a bad delirium for a whole week, fortunately I didn't have to be hospitalized.

 

[grungeCat]

There's no need to hurry in terms of ctb. Hesitating is something normal when you have to make such a serious decision as suicide. When I wish to go I want to be 100% sure. Half a month ago I got my SN and tested it. I thought I was very determined and it wass the right time but I started to hesitate. I gave myself 2 additional weeks and now I feel I'm ready to go away. I planned my farewell on Tuesday.