Livingvsdying25
Enlightened
- Dec 8, 2019
- 1,188
I don't know how to manage the days until I can manage to CTB...
Like yeah, I can stay faded on some bullshit but it takes a lot...
On days like this where I'm just... existing... I'm not depressed/distraught etc. I'm just ok.
I know right now I don't have the means to CTB. I'm not going to have it to prepare for a bit. So, I don't know what to focus on. If anything...
Can only keep me so faded/so distracted...
I'm aching. I'm aching to die and I'm aching to plan but if I'm aiming for something immediate it'll be impulsive. I can't handle pain nor do I think I can hurt myself enough to die. Bridges aren't an option.
I feel like I trap myself constantly... I want to take my life like yesterday...
I'm honestly not waiting for anything... there is nothing keeping h me around. Even environment-wise... while difficult it's 100% possible to CTB...
I just need the mindset to cross over. I need my head to connect more things bc I can never figure out a method...
I just need a do the research. Not easy... to CTB isn't easy either.
I keep thinking and thinking... I cannot settle on a method. Except I have...
Life pushes and pushes me to live and I have to ke1ep pushing1 back. Barly has the energy to then keep pushing to death. Stuck in limbo.
I refuse to end up locked up by any kind of mental health "support" so reaching out isn't an option anymore.
I dunno day today is killing me. When I realize the answers are all in front of me... I just want to find one and CTB.
Like it is hard to plan and think of waiting when I know there are more immediate methods but, knowing I will never be able to go through with it.
If I could, would've jumped years ago...
I just feel the drag of having been forced to live for years...
Monday is tmrw. I Gotta get my head together so I can keep.. "living" enough to move... but I don't care either way.
Enough has been taken from me.
I'm ready to go but, when...
When will I create space and research and execute...
Tbh my timeline is March. I don't think I can hold on that long. I am dunno.
Other than failing there's nothing to fear. If I failed I'd try again. I'm completely sick of being alive. It's overwhelming to have to "live" with these feelings.
I don't have anyone that I can talk to. Staff go home. Have lives. Professional isn't the same as personal. I have neither.
So, I apologize for all the posts lately but realizing how little I have in life... I'm ok with finding a little relief here.
I cut last week sometime... First time in like 3 yrs. It felt ok and gave me a line of what I needed. I take pride in reclaiming my body.
As warped as that sounds. Been tricked into being a recovery-based person. Never got to feel the despair I was going through.
-I wish I had a way out immediately.
-I wish I could share my thoughts with someone in real life. I wish there was help available in the meantime.
-I wish there was something to keep me here in the meantime but support my exit.
(I wish I was dead :(
Like yeah, I can stay faded on some bullshit but it takes a lot...
On days like this where I'm just... existing... I'm not depressed/distraught etc. I'm just ok.
I know right now I don't have the means to CTB. I'm not going to have it to prepare for a bit. So, I don't know what to focus on. If anything...
Can only keep me so faded/so distracted...
I'm aching. I'm aching to die and I'm aching to plan but if I'm aiming for something immediate it'll be impulsive. I can't handle pain nor do I think I can hurt myself enough to die. Bridges aren't an option.
I feel like I trap myself constantly... I want to take my life like yesterday...
I'm honestly not waiting for anything... there is nothing keeping h me around. Even environment-wise... while difficult it's 100% possible to CTB...
I just need the mindset to cross over. I need my head to connect more things bc I can never figure out a method...
I just need a do the research. Not easy... to CTB isn't easy either.
I keep thinking and thinking... I cannot settle on a method. Except I have...
Life pushes and pushes me to live and I have to ke1ep pushing1 back. Barly has the energy to then keep pushing to death. Stuck in limbo.
I refuse to end up locked up by any kind of mental health "support" so reaching out isn't an option anymore.
I dunno day today is killing me. When I realize the answers are all in front of me... I just want to find one and CTB.
Like it is hard to plan and think of waiting when I know there are more immediate methods but, knowing I will never be able to go through with it.
If I could, would've jumped years ago...
I just feel the drag of having been forced to live for years...
Monday is tmrw. I Gotta get my head together so I can keep.. "living" enough to move... but I don't care either way.
Enough has been taken from me.
I'm ready to go but, when...
When will I create space and research and execute...
Tbh my timeline is March. I don't think I can hold on that long. I am dunno.
Other than failing there's nothing to fear. If I failed I'd try again. I'm completely sick of being alive. It's overwhelming to have to "live" with these feelings.
I don't have anyone that I can talk to. Staff go home. Have lives. Professional isn't the same as personal. I have neither.
So, I apologize for all the posts lately but realizing how little I have in life... I'm ok with finding a little relief here.
I cut last week sometime... First time in like 3 yrs. It felt ok and gave me a line of what I needed. I take pride in reclaiming my body.
As warped as that sounds. Been tricked into being a recovery-based person. Never got to feel the despair I was going through.
-I wish I had a way out immediately.
-I wish I could share my thoughts with someone in real life. I wish there was help available in the meantime.
-I wish there was something to keep me here in the meantime but support my exit.
(I wish I was dead :(
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