Venting I don't know how to hold on (NSFW)

[darkhorse256]

I'm a survivor of sexual assault (that's putting it lightly). I find myself crying every night because I wish my abuser had killed me instead of threatening to kill me. He choked me multiple times but never actually went far enough to kill me. He beat me, but not enough to kill me. My parents are forcing me to go back to university (I go to one of the world's best unis so it was already stressful to begin with) as though everything is normal and they blame me for getting sexually assaulted to begin with. They say I'm wasting their money (on therapy and meds to deal with the PTSD) and that it's my mistake I trusted that person. My psychiatrist is my mom's best friend and he agrees with whatever she says, so his own medical opinion gets discredited most of the time. He wanted me to take time off school, but my parents convinced me to go (and they won't let him write to the uni and ask them to drop some of the modules for me) and I can't study properly because I'm on 5 different medications. I told the uni about my situation and they said they couldn't do much without a doctor's letter, which my psychiatrist won't write because my mom won't let him. The dean's office wrote to my profs to ask them to be more lenient and maybe give me some extensions but most of my profs didn't even reply. I can't even do the one thing I'm supposed to be doing (aka studying) and I feel like a failure. I always got good grades in uni, and I had really good job opportunities because of those grades but now, I can't even read properly because of my brain fog.

I've cut almost everyone out from my life but my boyfriend. He's the only one who loves me and he keeps trying to make me happy. He knows I want to die but he keeps talking me out of it. If anything, I want him to stop caring just so I'd have the guts to go through with it. I literally haven't killed myself out of guilt. And now, I don't know how to hold on. My parents keep reminding me of how much of a failure I am and how I'll never do anything with my life, and how I'm not resilient. They like doing this after I've had mental breakdowns, just to really drive home the point that I'm worthless. They say it's been 6 months, so I should be better by now. I just cry every night and wish that my abuser had the guts to kill me instead of taking everything I once loved away from me and leaving me as an emotional husk.

 

[faust]

Every time I read the story like this, I regret I am still living in such a world.
Sorry for everything you are dealing with right now...
I think a bit of communication here can make you feel a little bit better.
Considering your mom and psychiatrist, that's such a shame he listens to your mom instead of you.
The thing you can do is go to another psychiatrist and after a while ask for that letter to University.
The situation is horrible itself because studying will make you feel weaker and more depressed.
No more deals with present psychiatrist. If everything is like you are telling us, then that person is just a cunt. Sorry for being straightforward.
I hate when Hippocratic Oath is used as a toilet paper. Doctors like these should forget about their license...
K, so don't play with your mom and current psychiatrist - go to another one and don't say anything to your parents/current psych-ist.
Otherwise we are just continuing the cycle of abuse.
Sending you a peaceful hug, take care

 

[Ghost2211]

It's disgusting people around you are so awful about this. Sexual assault is never your fault. if you want mental health services please find them not connected to the people that are making things worse. if you need a break from school go to the administrators and talk to them about it.

 

[Cutepoison]

I'm so so sorry to hear this. I wish I could take your pain away.

 

[jgm63]

So very sorry.
Somehow I feel as though there may be a way to heal yourself, although no doubt it will take everything you have, and it will be an epic journey. I hope you can somehow find the strength to do that.
If we can help you somehow then please let us know.

Of course, we are pro-choice, so we will support you in whatever your wishes are.....

 

[akrasia]

Welcome to the forum! I'm sorry for the pain and suffering that you're going through. I know it's tough hearing that's it's your fault from the 2 people (your parents) that's supposed to love you and support you endlessly. It's NEVER your fault and it would never be. Your parents don't understand what you went through. No one really understand what a person went thought, unless they went through it themselves.
The world is so cruel, you trusted that person because you're a nice caring person but that person took advantage of that. It's a sad that one person can change a entire person, and its a deep reality.
About your psychiatrist, do you think you could talk to him more? And try to explain your situation or maybe seek a new psychiatrist. Only you know what's best for you.
Take come time off of uni, take some time to heal and become stronger. I know it's hard but we believe in you. In the mean while, we are here to listen to you and support you. :)

Take care. -hugs-

 

[autumnal]

[...]
My psychiatrist is my mom's best friend and he agrees with whatever she says, so his own medical opinion gets discredited most of the time. He wanted me to take time off school, but my parents convinced me to go (and they won't let him write to the uni and ask them to drop some of the modules for me) and I can't study properly because I'm on 5 different medications. I told the uni about my situation and they said they couldn't do much without a doctor's letter, which my psychiatrist won't write because my mom won't let him.
[...]

You definitely need to get a psychiatrist who doesn't have that kind of dual relationship with your mother. It is a major ethical conflict of interest. They should have known better than to take you on in the first place, and certainly not kept seeing you once they realised they were being steered by the mother rather than what was best for you clinically.

 

[benjaminbusdriver]

Your parents are control freaks in denial. You're going through hell and they sound incapable of accepting that reality. I assume you're over 18? You are an adult, so you parents have no say in anything you do in life at this point. Unless you want to stay tied to their purse strings, you need to break away. I would suggest these steps:

1- Go to a new doctor. Explain the abuse, mental health issues, etc... Do NOT talk about your ongoing issues with your current Psychiatrist. Do NOT tell your parents or anyone else. Explain you need a year off uni. Get that letter.

2- Find a job asap. You will need income without your parents' support. I assume you already have a place to live. Take care of all those basic needs BEFORE you do anything drastic that could backfire and cause more stress.

3- Once you are somewhat stabilized in work life, submit the letter to your uni administrators and take some time off. Give yourself 2 semesters for now. Maybe take one part time course to keep your brain active.

4- Only after all that is confirmed, tell your parents you're an adult and that you are taking a year off, for yourself, with or without their support. They won't understand, but if you have your own authority, your own doctor, and your own income, they can't control you.

You're not their child any longer. Stand up to them and take care of yourself.

My psychiatrist is my mom's best friend and he agrees with whatever she says, so his own medical opinion gets discredited most of the time. He wanted me to take time off school, but my parents convinced me to go (and they won't let him write to the uni and ask them to drop some of the modules for me) and I can't study properly because I'm on 5 different medications. I told the uni about my situation and they said they couldn't do much without a doctor's letter, which my psychiatrist won't write because my mom won't let him.

One more thought... You could also contact your local governing body for psychiatry and ask about conflict of interest. Without giving away detail, you should lay out the scenario for them and ask if this family friend is being ethical. You could also mention this to the psychiatrist as a few innocent questions about patient confidentiality, ethics re: parental involvement, etc.. Give him a little scare and shake it up. Take control.

 

[darkhorse256]

Thank you everyone for your positive messages. I have a few things to add, that unfortunately makes my own situation much worse.

1) My parents are influential (politically and economically). They would never let me go without a fight, and even the school finds it difficult to believe me over them. They have the support of politicians and whatever, who always stand up for them.

2) My parents are paying for my university and I live with them now.

3) I have no skills outside of studying and only have an A level certificate, so I don't really know what kind of job I could get.

4) If I were to see a new psychiatrist, I'd have to take money out of my bank account, which is unfortunately linked to my parents'.

5) My mom said she would drain my bank account if I dared to drop modules.

6) The only safe place I have is my boyfriend's place. I can't find another house because my country focuses on "family values", and you can really only get subsidies for government housing if you're married.

7) I'm not considered an adult in my country, though I will be in 6 months. It's because you have to be 21 to be considered an adult.