afraid
I might just be able to feel pain the last time
- Aug 4, 2023
- 20
I guess I'll write a little story of my life so maybe some of you can give me motivation to ctb.
As far as i know i was hated since birth and nobody has told me otherwise. I was supposed to be a girl but instead of playing with dolls i played with animals (couldn't play with cars since nobody let me). As a baby i was very annoying. That's what my parents tell me constantly. I'm sorry that i was screaming and didn't sleep, i wish i didn't. I think about it very often and i still cannot go back in time. Growing up i was shy and my parents didn't like that either. In school i got bullied because i was shy and no teacher or parent cared about me. My first pet died, parents divorced, got chronic disease, bullying became worse, dog i just got a month ago got lost and a lot other shit. I was 12 and i wanted to die so bad. I stopped caring about school and my future. My mom ofc didn't like it and sent me to a psychologist so i could get diagnosed with a disability so that she has an excuse to why I'm failing in life (she doesn't believe in depression). I got that, she believed that i actually had an learning disability and my non existent willingness to live just got worse. I tried hanging myself but never found a good enough place so the furthest i got was just a rope around my neck and hanging painfully until i couldn't anymore and pulled myself up. At 15 i got medical trauma. I saw nightmares for half an year straight so my only escape, dreaming was gone. I wanted to jump off something tall but every place i found had borders to prevent exactly that. I had hit my lowest lows. After that life got a bit better because i moved away from my mother and started living alone. I found love, saw a real psychologist who listened to me instead of my mother and for a little while i lived the best life i ever had. Then it all went downhill. Got cheated on, found out that meds don't cure depression and overall i was in a pretty bad place again. Then something good happend, i got into a school i really wanted to get in. For the first time in my life i had a plan, i had a plan for my whole life. Everything was going so good. I made some of the best memories in that school, i felt like i was on top of the world. But then trauma hit. I couldn't relax, i had to get perfect grades. I did that and it consumed all my energy, i didn't have a single day to myself anymore since i had to get everything perfect. I gave up on everything in 6th grade so you can guess how much knowledge i had going to 10th grade. I couldn't take it anymore and left school. My one and only dream. I saw nightmares about missing school for about a year after that and each time i saw a nightmare i felt like living through the moment all over again. It hurt pretty bad. So i was in a state where i had no dreams, disappointed parents, no real friends, no energy to try to do anything, had a mental breakdown over everything. Now a few years later I'm going only downhill from there. I can't even imagine myself going to school anymore, i don't understand how i ever had such energy. I feel dead, worthless. I have a shit part time job just so i could live another day. I hate living, I'm so tired, i don't want to do anything. I don't have the energy to live. I have no dreams, i literally live every day being scared of the next. I don't enjoy anything, I'm constantly here researching ways to end it all. But then there's the catch, i fucking can't end it. I'm so fucking scared of failing because of my medical trauma that i don't know what to do. I would live if i had a million dollars and lived my dream life but since I won't get that money then my next best option is to die. I cannot see myself getting a job or finishing school. I don't have the energy. I've seen therapists and they are literal shit. Feels like they are reading some sort of answers from google. I don't feel like a living being. Every day of my life is suffering and pain. I fucking don't know what to do. I can't overcome the trauma to kill myself and i can't find any energy to get money. I'm scared of being alive. I really am.
As far as i know i was hated since birth and nobody has told me otherwise. I was supposed to be a girl but instead of playing with dolls i played with animals (couldn't play with cars since nobody let me). As a baby i was very annoying. That's what my parents tell me constantly. I'm sorry that i was screaming and didn't sleep, i wish i didn't. I think about it very often and i still cannot go back in time. Growing up i was shy and my parents didn't like that either. In school i got bullied because i was shy and no teacher or parent cared about me. My first pet died, parents divorced, got chronic disease, bullying became worse, dog i just got a month ago got lost and a lot other shit. I was 12 and i wanted to die so bad. I stopped caring about school and my future. My mom ofc didn't like it and sent me to a psychologist so i could get diagnosed with a disability so that she has an excuse to why I'm failing in life (she doesn't believe in depression). I got that, she believed that i actually had an learning disability and my non existent willingness to live just got worse. I tried hanging myself but never found a good enough place so the furthest i got was just a rope around my neck and hanging painfully until i couldn't anymore and pulled myself up. At 15 i got medical trauma. I saw nightmares for half an year straight so my only escape, dreaming was gone. I wanted to jump off something tall but every place i found had borders to prevent exactly that. I had hit my lowest lows. After that life got a bit better because i moved away from my mother and started living alone. I found love, saw a real psychologist who listened to me instead of my mother and for a little while i lived the best life i ever had. Then it all went downhill. Got cheated on, found out that meds don't cure depression and overall i was in a pretty bad place again. Then something good happend, i got into a school i really wanted to get in. For the first time in my life i had a plan, i had a plan for my whole life. Everything was going so good. I made some of the best memories in that school, i felt like i was on top of the world. But then trauma hit. I couldn't relax, i had to get perfect grades. I did that and it consumed all my energy, i didn't have a single day to myself anymore since i had to get everything perfect. I gave up on everything in 6th grade so you can guess how much knowledge i had going to 10th grade. I couldn't take it anymore and left school. My one and only dream. I saw nightmares about missing school for about a year after that and each time i saw a nightmare i felt like living through the moment all over again. It hurt pretty bad. So i was in a state where i had no dreams, disappointed parents, no real friends, no energy to try to do anything, had a mental breakdown over everything. Now a few years later I'm going only downhill from there. I can't even imagine myself going to school anymore, i don't understand how i ever had such energy. I feel dead, worthless. I have a shit part time job just so i could live another day. I hate living, I'm so tired, i don't want to do anything. I don't have the energy to live. I have no dreams, i literally live every day being scared of the next. I don't enjoy anything, I'm constantly here researching ways to end it all. But then there's the catch, i fucking can't end it. I'm so fucking scared of failing because of my medical trauma that i don't know what to do. I would live if i had a million dollars and lived my dream life but since I won't get that money then my next best option is to die. I cannot see myself getting a job or finishing school. I don't have the energy. I've seen therapists and they are literal shit. Feels like they are reading some sort of answers from google. I don't feel like a living being. Every day of my life is suffering and pain. I fucking don't know what to do. I can't overcome the trauma to kill myself and i can't find any energy to get money. I'm scared of being alive. I really am.
