I dont know how to get better

[a_carbon_based_life]

I'm 19, have had anxiety as long as I can remember, depression since 8, chronic dp/dr since 10, cptsd since at least 11, and am strongly suspected of having autism. I've always struggles with severe burnout (sleeping 15 hours daily and still feeling Exaushsted, loosing weight quickly due to being too burned out to eat, etc). Late 2019 I had a mental breakdown that forced me to drop out of high school and I'm still in the process of recovering. I still don't have the energy to regularly shower / take care of basic needs, much less hold a job or be in any sort of education. I am also stuck in an abusive household and would eventually like to gain some independence sooner rather than later if I choose to stay on the recovery path. I'm not entirely sure what to do. I used to make a checklist of the very basic things I'd need to do to maintain basic things but it feels like there's no end, just constantly fighting to not even keep my head above water but to keep it from touching the ocean floor. I don't leave my house unless I have to. I miss human connection and long to be able to use what little energy I have to care about someone but the last time I tried that I ended up getting sa'd and now my social anxiety is through the roof. Idk. Also I'd like to be able to contribute positively to this site instead of just constantly venting but idk how

 

[uniqueusername39]

it feels hypocritical for me to give advice when im going through this same problem. i need a checklist to keep functioning too, because i would neglect to do them otherwise.... i even have to put basic stuff like "eat dinner. brush your teeth. take a bath. set the alarm. put on music. open google docs. finish X." it keeps me going for a while, and then i burn out... im tired of maintaining a life that i'm hard-pressed to love. :(

do you think it'd be possible for you to bring someone you know to have coffee one of these days? i did that before. it wasn't bad.

 

[a_carbon_based_life]

it feels hypocritical for me to give advice when im going through this same problem. i need a checklist to keep functioning too, because i would neglect to do them otherwise.... i even have to put basic stuff like "eat dinner. brush your teeth. take a bath. set the alarm. put on music. open google docs. finish X." it keeps me going for a while, and then i burn out... im tired of maintaining a life that i'm hard-pressed to love. :(

do you think it'd be possible for you to bring someone you know to have coffee one of these days? i did that before. it wasn't bad.

I think technically there are a few people who would be up for meeting me in person but I've noticed that that few times I have met people in person or gone outside since, sometimes even just talking to new people, makes some not so pleasent memories pop up. I hope things get less exhausting for you, I hope you find the love that that you feel expected to have

 

[Weltall]

I'm 19, have had anxiety as long as I can remember, depression since 8, chronic dp/dr since 10, cptsd since at least 11, and am strongly suspected of having autism. I've always struggles with severe burnout (sleeping 15 hours daily and still feeling Exaushsted, loosing weight quickly due to being too burned out to eat, etc). Late 2019 I had a mental breakdown that forced me to drop out of high school and I'm still in the process of recovering. I still don't have the energy to regularly shower / take care of basic needs, much less hold a job or be in any sort of education. I am also stuck in an abusive household and would eventually like to gain some independence sooner rather than later if I choose to stay on the recovery path. I'm not entirely sure what to do. I used to make a checklist of the very basic things I'd need to do to maintain basic things but it feels like there's no end, just constantly fighting to not even keep my head above water but to keep it from touching the ocean floor. I don't leave my house unless I have to. I miss human connection and long to be able to use what little energy I have to care about someone but the last time I tried that I ended up getting sa'd and now my social anxiety is through the roof. Idk. Also I'd like to be able to contribute positively to this site instead of just constantly venting but idk how

You are still very young, and there are still plenty of opportunities for you.

Do you have any hobbies?
Have you considered looking for Discord/forum groups related to those hobbies?
There are so many people that are also wanting to make connections, just like you.

Consider making an appointment with a doctor to determine methods of what can be done to reduce the exhaustion you feel.
Whether that's through medication, or a lifestyle adjustment.
You want to find a doctor that will listen to you with sincerity and respect.

Checklists are boring, but they help build discipline.
And from discipline, eventually comes second nature.
Once you do it enough, it will hopefully be something that you do just naturally.

I wish you luck on your journey friend.

 

[a_carbon_based_life]

You are still very young, and there are still plenty of opportunities for you.

Do you have any hobbies?
Have you considered looking for Discord/forum groups related to those hobbies?
There are so many people that are also wanting to make connections, just like you.

Consider making an appointment with a doctor to determine methods of what can be done to reduce the exhaustion you feel.
Whether that's through medication, or a lifestyle adjustment.
You want to find a doctor that will listen to you with sincerity and respect.

Checklists are boring, but they help build discipline.
And from discipline, eventually comes second nature.
Once you do it enough, it will hopefully be something that you do just naturally.

I wish you luck on your journey friend.

Yes, I've tried many types of social media and servers etc. I've gone to psychiatrists, gotten brain scans, seen endocrinologists, tried both cognitive behavioral therapy and EMDR therapy, etc. As for things becoming second nature, I feel that if that were going to happen it wouldnt be taking 4+ years. I appreciate your help and I hope I don't sound too pessimistic or unappreciative but it does end up feeling like running in circles after a while.

 

[Weltall]

Yes, I've tried many types of social media and servers etc. I've gone to psychiatrists, gotten brain scans, seen endocrinologists, tried both cognitive behavioral therapy and EMDR therapy, etc. As for things becoming second nature, I feel that if that were going to happen it wouldnt be taking 4+ years. I appreciate your help and I hope I don't sound too pessimistic or unappreciative but it does end up feeling like running in circles after a while.

I would say a good majority of the community here embraces pessimism, as our confidence in the world and its affairs are poor.

I'll be getting off soon, but I want to try and continue with this (as long as you're comfortable).

• When it comes to making connections with people, what is the most difficult part about it?
  • Are there any actions that trigger your memories?
  • Anxiety is blocking you?
• Do you feel the connections fail on your end, or the other person?

 

[carac]

Have you thought about about what could be the root causes of all this? It sounds very much like the abusive household you say you live in. Could be other trauma that you experiencd as a child or when very young. You could try and look at strategies to help you cope with this situation until you are able to move out.

You can take part in my weekly challenge thread if you want to take part more and get involved here!

 

[a_carbon_based_life]

I would say a good majority of the community here embraces pessimism, as our confidence in the world and its affairs are poor.

I'll be getting off soon, but I want to try and continue with this (as long as you're comfortable).

• When it comes to making connections with people, what is the most difficult part about it?
  • Are there any actions that trigger your memories?
  • Anxiety is blocking you?
• Do you feel the connections fail on your end, or the other person?

There aren't any specific actions that trigger me. I think that part of my brain views trying to create a new connection as an invitation for abuse or being used since that's what most of my friendships have led to. As for connection, I feel like I have only ever had 1 friendship where i wasnt the one who always had to be accommodating, forgiving, supportive, being the one to not only communicate my needs but having to reverse engineering theirs and account for that too, and not receiving nearly the same amount of effort in return. Most of my friendships have ended due to lying, manipulation, or in the words of some of my ex friends ,because they "started hating themselves so they took their insecurities out on me and actively tried to make me feel bad about myself". And thank you for talking with me ☺

Have you thought about about what could be the root causes of all this? It sounds very much like the abusive household you say you live in. Could be other trauma that you experiencd as a child or when very young. You could try and look at strategies to help you cope with this situation until you are able to move out.

You can take part in my weekly challenge thread if you want to take part more and get involved here!

I agree that a lot of this, if not all of this is due to trauma. I have learned to cope better over the years but there's def a limit to how painless healing from trauma can get. In addition it seems that whenever I start to get my footing something happens that puts me right back at square one. This time being the SA that I mentioned. That's actually why I made an account here. And thank you for the thread recommendation, I'll be sure to check it out (ʘᴗʘ✿)