Venting I don't know how to function anymore.

[Homulily]

I barely can function as a living person anymore, I'm plagued by frequent intrusive thoughts causing me to flinch or scream.
I am haunted by things I did wrong in the past all the time, small mistakes, big mistakes.
I want love more then anything but I've failed so many relationships and been hurt or abused that all I can think of when I imagine a romantic relationship is one where I am abused.
I actually really want to be abused more, I've been actively seeking out people who will hurt me or push me further down. I feel as if I deserve to suffer more and more and more. the only reason I have yet to ctb is because I feel like I need to be suffering, If I ctb my suffering would end sooner then it should of. I'm so tired of everything I'm so tired of isolation I'd be so happy if one of my abusive ex's would take me back, I don't want to be alone anymore but the only kind of companionship I am good enough for is one where I am being hurt.

I love being hurt, it feels like it redeems me of what I've done wrong. I want the intrusive thoughts to go away but I know I deserve them, I have them because I did things wrong and need to be reminded of how I hurt other people or times I messed up basic things, I need to be reminded why people I love left me. I want to be forgiven so badly, I want to just be told I did nothing wrong and that its okay but that won't happen because I'm a bad person and I deserve where I am at now.
I struggle to eat, I've had an ed for around 7 years now, being around food makes me terrified, I get thoughts often of needing to starve myself to be good enough to not be thrown aside anymore but I keep failing to starve enough its never enough I'm always thrown aside.
I impulsively harm myself, on one of my dates with my ex when we were together they ditched me to go take selfies and I ended up scratching myself for 2 hours in the bathroom, I got a few new scars from that I'm genuinely really happy I have these scars, it feels like a gift from my ex and reminds me of that date whenever I look at it.

I deserve my intrusive thoughts I deserve my anxiety I deserve my eating disorder, I deserve to be abused more, I deserve to suffer more.

If nothings changed by my birthday this year I'm gonna ctb. all my friends are going to Comicon on my birthday this year but I'm not invited since I live to far away. I was alone last year on my birthday while my best friend was with her boyfriend. I don't want to be alone this year again while all my friends all do stuff without me again. I want to be included in stuff but I know I don't deserve inclusion, I'm a bad person I deserve this all im so happy everything has ended up like this, because soon hopefully I'll be able to ctb. thats gonna be my gift to myself if nothing gets better before then, i'm going to do my best until then, but I have a method in place and I have everything I need to do it.
if i did something wrong posting this please tell me and I can delete it, i'm sorry if I bothered anyone or did something wrong, I don't think I did but I probably did so please let me know if I did something wrong im so sorry

 

[UnlimitedPain]

What's your method?

 

[Homulily]

What's your method?

2 parts to it.
I'm too scared to do anything that doesn't have a backup in case one part fails.
lots and lots and lots of cutting first off, I really like seeing my own blood. I've cut a lot before already so its nothing new to me.
2nd part is hanging myself.
if hanging myself fails then maybe I'll bleed to death
or if I didn't cut enough then maybe the rope will do me in.

edit- im sorry if these are stupid im really sorry, please don't be mad

 

[soft-flower345]

I think I understand how you feel, you don't need to apologize you didn't do anything wrong Your friends don't sound like the best if they wouldn't invite you, especially on your birthday. You seem like a very very deeply wounded person and I'm so sorry you've been hurt so much by others close to you time and again, you don't deserve to be treated like that or to have to hurt like this. If you do ctb, I hope you find peace and cease to hurt, you deserve to stop hurting.

Do you have a plan in reguards to where you'll cut? There are specific arteries that are much easier to reach than others and having an understanding beforehand of how to cut to die, rather than just hurt, is important if you want to ctb successfully and minimize complications if you fail or decide to turn back in the act. Your method is pretty much the same as mine, bleed then hang.
hugs

 

[purity]

your life sounds excruciatingly painful. you most certainly deserve forgiveness. hell, you deserve compensation! i hope you find peace somehow.

 

[jaxxon_sunn]

I feel for you. I seek out people and things that will make me feel worse. I'll listen to music that triggers me and makes me sh. You don't deserve pain, alright. Your brain is fighting against you, but you've actually made it this far. I self sabotage myself. Thats what I call it. I've constantly ruined friendships and relationships by being my dumb self. Maybe because of my mental illnesses. I don't want to be a bad person, I'm just so against myself, I want other to be against me too.

I am going to a comiccon this year, but the thing is I ruined my friendship with the people Im going with. So now I'm going alone. Cosplay is one thing that makes me happy so I'm not going to give them a win over me. I don't want to be miserable. It'll be a lot more expensive since its just me now, getting a single hotel and traveling alone, but I'm going for myself.

You deserve to be included in plans. I also feel the same way in that I don't feel like I deserve any kindness, to be included in things. But in my mind, you deserve to be treated nice. You have been through a lot. You deserve lots of rest. You deserve forgiveness and a second chance. Not trying to change your mind or be pro life.

 

[slapppy]

Try a new relationship, it may fill the void in your soul even if just temporarily.

 

[The anhedonic one]

You never deserved to suffer like that, or deserve any future suffering.
You deserve love and understanding.
I'm so sorry you have gone through so much emotional pain.
I hope you find peace in whatever you decide to do.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds so horrible what you've been through, there certainly is too much suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[Homulily]

I think I understand how you feel, you don't need to apologize you didn't do anything wrong Your friends don't sound like the best if they wouldn't invite you, especially on your birthday. You seem like a very very deeply wounded person and I'm so sorry you've been hurt so much by others close to you time and again, you don't deserve to be treated like that or to have to hurt like this. If you do ctb, I hope you find peace and cease to hurt, you deserve to stop hurting.

Do you have a plan in reguards to where you'll cut? There are specific arteries that are much easier to reach than others and having an understanding beforehand of how to cut to die, rather than just hurt, is important if you want to ctb successfully and minimize complications if you fail or decide to turn back in the act. Your method is pretty much the same as mine, bleed then hang.
hugs

What are the specific arteries? I was planning on just slashing my wrists thighs and all over my body until the pain was too much and then hanging myself.
My friends live very far away, so I don't hold it against them for not inviting me. I don't have a lot of money and wouldn't want to burden them. They probably didn't know my birthday is then, but hearing them talk about how they're gonna be doing stuff on the 29th of October just made me feel all the anxiety of knowing im going to be alone on the day even though its so far away.

 

[Homulily]

your life sounds excruciatingly painful. you most certainly deserve forgiveness. hell, you deserve compensation! i hope you find peace somehow.

I want forgiveness so badly. i dont think i deserve compensation i wouldn't want anyone to need to do something they wouldn't want to for my sake.
I hope i can find peace too, and that you can too

 

[soft-flower345]

What are the specific arteries? I was planning on just slashing my wrists thighs and all over my body until the pain was too much and then hanging myself.
My friends live very far away, so I don't hold it against them for not inviting me. I don't have a lot of money and wouldn't want to burden them. They probably didn't know my birthday is then, but hearing them talk about how they're gonna be doing stuff on the 29th of October just made me feel all the anxiety of knowing im going to be alone on the day even though its so far away.

The radial on your wrist and brachial up by your elbow would be 2 good ones that will produce a lot of blood if cut and aren't buried behind muscle and tendons in their respective locations, the ones in your thighs are really hard to reach. If you slash your wrists deeply horizontally you could cut the tendons that allow your hands to function and that will make it much more difficult to hang yourself unless you set up to do so beforehand so please be careful.

The anxiety of being excluded by your friends due to distance sounds painful, no one should be alone on their birthday and I'm sorry

 

[Homulily]

I feel for you. I seek out people and things that will make me feel worse. I'll listen to music that triggers me and makes me sh. You don't deserve pain, alright. Your brain is fighting against you, but you've actually made it this far. I self sabotage myself. Thats what I call it. I've constantly ruined friendships and relationships by being my dumb self. Maybe because of my mental illnesses. I don't want to be a bad person, I'm just so against myself, I want other to be against me too.

I am going to a comiccon this year, but the thing is I ruined my friendship with the people Im going with. So now I'm going alone. Cosplay is one thing that makes me happy so I'm not going to give them a win over me. I don't want to be miserable. It'll be a lot more expensive since its just me now, getting a single hotel and traveling alone, but I'm going for myself.

You deserve to be included in plans. I also feel the same way in that I don't feel like I deserve any kindness, to be included in things. But in my mind, you deserve to be treated nice. You have been through a lot. You deserve lots of rest. You deserve forgiveness and a second chance. Not trying to change your mind or be pro life.

I like doing cosplay too but my body is bad, i'm covered in scars from getting rotten blood out, nobody should have to see me.
I want rest so badly, or to be saved, but i know that wont happen so to ctb is all i really have to look forward to. i'm going to do my best to fix things before the day I have in mind, but if things aren't better by then i'm gonna get the rest I need.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm very sorry that life is so horrible and painful for you and you have such bad friends who exclude you. They are not friends at all. You don't deserve more harm and pain, nobody does!! Rethink your plan about sh and probably you go only for hanging.

I wish you all the best may you find peace and freedom!

 

[Homulily]

The radial on your wrist and brachial up by your elbow would be 2 good ones that will produce a lot of blood if cut and aren't buried behind muscle and tendons in their respective locations, the ones in your thighs are really hard to reach. If you slash your wrists deeply horizontally you could cut the tendons that allow your hands to function and that will make it much more difficult to hang yourself unless you set up to do so beforehand so please be careful.

The anxiety of being excluded by your friends due to distance sounds painful, no one should be alone on their birthday and I'm sorry

i'm usually alone on mine.
I went to visit my girlfriend at the time (ex now) for her birthday 2 years ago, traveled across the continent to see her., seeing her happy made me really happy. but now i'm a little glad that nobody does the same to me. it shows me that I'm not good enough to be treated the same way, and it motivates me further.
I want to get as much rotten blood out as I can.

So making sure i'm prepared to hang myself before making the cuts would be the best way to do it? so i wouldn't need to use my hands since that part would already be ready.

I'm very sorry that life is so horrible and painful for you and you have such bad friends who exclude you. They are not friends at all. You don't deserve more harm and pain, nobody does!! Rethink your plan about sh and probably you go only for hanging.

I wish you all the best may you find peace and freedom!

Im too scared to with only one method, I need there to be a backup incase one fails. plus I like pain, I really like pain. I like to imagine that the people I loved are the ones who cut me, and that makes me happy it gives me the same feeling as if I got a hug or something.

Try a new relationship, it may fill the void in your soul even if just temporarily.

I have tried this. a few weeks after my ex broke up with me, another girl confessed to me and we dated for awhile. but it turned out she lied about her age so I had to break up with her. it was really really stressful. that was the final like, nail in the coffin for my attempts for a healthy relationship.
It hurt me a lot when she told me the truth. I felt like i was betrayed, that every hope I had of getting over my ex with a new relationship was destroyed. I knew i had to break up with her because I needed to be a responsible adult.
I don't want to be hurt by another partner leaving me. or being forced into a situation where I need to break it up again.