Venting i dont know how to die

[h4nah4ki]

a few months ago my dad was really drunk. he started to cry to me, apologizing for not being a good father. he told me that he feels like everyone is going to leave him.
he made me promise to him that i would never leave him. and i think that making that promise hurt a lot, because i am planning to leave him and everyone.
the only time he acknowledges my existence is when everyone around him leaves. i cant deal with the guilt of leaving him alone.
i know a lot of people who would kill themselves if i left. i hate caring about other people, its such a burden. i just want to be free.
today one of my closest online friends confessed their love for me. to note, i have supposedly saved this friend from committing suicide many times in the past. if i were to leave them, especially after finding out that they had feelings for me, i wouldnt know how to deal with the guilt.
every day i cant find a reason to wake up. i only live so people dont deal with the burden of me not existing. they'll only really care once i'm dead.
i want to die. i want to be free from this endless pain. i have no hope for the future, ive never dated before, i dont have any real friends, im sick and tired of it all.
i dont want to grow up anymore. i just want to die without guilt.
how can i do that?

 

[Arahant]

If a person is trapped on a roof of a burning building, they have been known to jump off it, even if it's way too high to survive.
They are not wicked or spontaneously committing suicide, they are desperately trying to escape the seething pain of the flames.

In my experience, clinical/major/severe depression is similar to that situation.
Your average normie is blessed with lottery ticket winner luck, since they never will have to understand that fact like we do.
The terrifying thing is, under that kind of pain, suicide makes so much sense, and there is no way of telling them this.

You do what you have got to do to take care of yourself - not them.
They are their own persons with their own life and responsibility thereof.

For what it's worth, I wish for you to be absolved from all guilt, past present and future.

 

[FallingGrace]

You've made multiple contradictory statements so I'm a little confused. You said you have no real friends, but then said you have multiple close friends who would follow you in death. You say you've never dated but have people confessing their love to you so why not pursue that? And what do you mean by growing up, how old are you?

 

[h4nah4ki]

You've made multiple contradictory statements so I'm a little confused. You said you have no real friends, but then said you have multiple close friends who would follow you in death. You say you've never dated but have people confessing their love to you so why not pursue that? And what do you mean by growing up, how old are you?

it may have been hard to notice but i've mentioned that my closest friend was an online friend so i dont know them in real life.
and by dating, i've never fell in love with anyone.
i am 19.

 

[FallingGrace]

it may have been hard to notice but i've mentioned that my closest friend was an online friend so i dont know them in real life.
and by dating, i've never fell in love with anyone.
i am 19.

Online friends that you don't even know IRL who are either directly or indirectly threatening to kill themselves if you yourself kill or hurt yourself sound like a really intense and toxic bunch of people to be around

 

[h4nah4ki]

Online friends that you don't even know IRL who are either directly or indirectly threatening to kill themselves if you yourself kill your self sound like a really toxic bunch of people to be around

it might be that way but i dont really have friends outside of the internet and i dont know how to surround myself with different people. i also have really bad social anxiety and i work at home.