Help I don’t know how I feel at all

[dra1ncoreslwt]

hi, it's been a while.

3 months after I cowered and didn't go through my suicide plan, things had been getting better as im focusing on myself and things I like, taking a more positive view and perspective on life, but I kind of feel im living in a fantasy or a dream built by myself. psychologists will say it's a defense mechanism of past trauma telling me that all this is unknown and I should go back to my comfort space which unfortunately was a loop of depression and finding security or stability in it, right?
so Im trying not to overthink it and let myself feel and experiment with how things may just get better for me, but within that I've also developed some kind of emotional behavior that cries all the time and turns vulnerable when i probably shouldn't, and now I feel insensitive and no longer scared about my want for suicide, kind of numb about it. but I feel sad and unfulfilled, things truly have not changed for the better just my attitude towards it, which is making me reconsider all my pathways. I don't really want to live but I don't totally want to die, I know I'm not the only one feeling like this, but I'm pretty sure suicide is individual for us all. I wish I could settle down on to something, and it pains me no matter how hard I try to get better there's no certainty or stability for me to find a way out of this loophole. I like to think things get better but my body and heart is in so much pain it wants no more, thus I want to end my life. Hopefully I'll find the answer soon.

 

[day]

Wanting to CTB is confusing because at very surface level it doesn't make sense biologically. We were meant to live and our bodies drive us towards survival but because of our conscious and this horrible world we live in we're so compelled to CTB.

I'm sorry you're in a weird loop mentally and I truthfully hope you manage to find peace any which way OP.

The world is truly so insufferable..

 

[Slark]

hi, it's been a while.

3 months after I cowered and didn't go through my suicide plan, things had been getting better as im focusing on myself and things I like, taking a more positive view and perspective on life, but I kind of feel im living in a fantasy or a dream built by myself. psychologists will say it's a defense mechanism of past trauma telling me that all this is unknown and I should go back to my comfort space which unfortunately was a loop of depression and finding security or stability in it, right?
so Im trying not to overthink it and let myself feel and experiment with how things may just get better for me, but within that I've also developed some kind of emotional behavior that cries all the time and turns vulnerable when i probably shouldn't, and now I feel insensitive and no longer scared about my want for suicide, kind of numb about it. but I feel sad and unfulfilled, things truly have not changed for the better just my attitude towards it, which is making me reconsider all my pathways. I don't really want to live but I don't totally want to die, I know I'm not the only one feeling like this, but I'm pretty sure suicide is individual for us all. I wish I could settle down on to something, and it pains me no matter how hard I try to get better there's no certainty or stability for me to find a way out of this loophole. I like to think things get better but my body and heart is in so much pain it wants no more, thus I want to end my life. Hopefully I'll find the answer soon.

I hope you are fine, and that things really get better for you. Keep doing things you like, I think it's the best thing to do at the moment. be happy!!

 

[Baron]

I feel like everytime I'm invested in something, I'm distracting myself from my true goal. Death is the thing I want most. Everytime I do something, that's not connected with me killing myself, I feel so weak and pathetic.

 

[wagner2029]

hi, it's been a while.

3 months after I cowered and didn't go through my suicide plan, things had been getting better as im focusing on myself and things I like, taking a more positive view and perspective on life, but I kind of feel im living in a fantasy or a dream built by myself. psychologists will say it's a defense mechanism of past trauma telling me that all this is unknown and I should go back to my comfort space which unfortunately was a loop of depression and finding security or stability in it, right?
so Im trying not to overthink it and let myself feel and experiment with how things may just get better for me, but within that I've also developed some kind of emotional behavior that cries all the time and turns vulnerable when i probably shouldn't, and now I feel insensitive and no longer scared about my want for suicide, kind of numb about it. but I feel sad and unfulfilled, things truly have not changed for the better just my attitude towards it, which is making me reconsider all my pathways. I don't really want to live but I don't totally want to die, I know I'm not the only one feeling like this, but I'm pretty sure suicide is individual for us all. I wish I could settle down on to something, and it pains me no matter how hard I try to get better there's no certainty or stability for me to find a way out of this loophole. I like to think things get better but my body and heart is in so much pain it wants no more, thus I want to end my life. Hopefully I'll find the answer soon.

the hardest thing to deal with is this feeling of emptiness and uselessness.
If your life is stable, work and family, postpone your CTB, you can do it whenever you want, there's no need to rush.
But since you said you were progressing, you probably had a relapse, maybe it's just the situation of waiting to pass.

 

[dra1ncoreslwt]

the hardest thing to deal with is this feeling of emptiness and uselessness.
If your life is stable, work and family, postpone your CTB, you can do it whenever you want, there's no need to rush.
But since you said you were progressing, you probably had a relapse, maybe it's just the situation of waiting to pass.

my life isn't stable in the slightest but I'm trying to push through… however I lowkey feel hope in waiting so it's kinda what I've been doing, it just doesnt feel like any change is happening whatsoever

 

[WhenTheSunHits95]

There's a certain comfort that comes with depression, because its always there unlike happiness. Its reliable. I empathize with that feeling deeply. Additionally, theres this not-so-fun thing called the suicide paradox. Which basically describes the limbo of not wanint to be alive, but not wanting to die either. Its arguable more painful than being set on CTB. Because you're stuck in this weird space of pain and suffering, but something in your brain is keeping you here, while another part wants you to go. Its agony. I hear you.

 

[dra1ncoreslwt]

There's a certain comfort that comes with depression, because its always there unlike happiness. Its reliable. I empathize with that feeling deeply. Additionally, theres this not-so-fun thing called the suicide paradox. Which basically describes the limbo of not wanint to be alive, but not wanting to die either. Its arguable more painful than being set on CTB. Because you're stuck in this weird space of pain and suffering, but something in your brain is keeping you here, while another part wants you to go. Its agony. I hear you.

thank you for this