I dont know how I can survive. All I can say is that I wish I killed myself when I was 13

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

My brother lashed out at me....again. I almost had a horrible mental breakdown. I was going to ignore him all day till he came out me about his depression after our moms passing

But....I dont care. I just dont care. I am tired of being taken for granted and then begin a bullshit sap story about why that person hurt me. Fuck them all. Fuck my family

If suicide is my only way to....have a semblance of respect then I would rather do it for that reason alone. Also to escape and for revenge.

But I am scared. I am scared of pain. I am scared of abuse. I am scared of not being able to come back to this life once it is all over.

I am scared of dying. I want to die, but knowing that it is the end scares me the most. Its why even though I want ot throw myself offa bridge every fucking day, I never do it. What if I fail and become a vegetable? What if I die and leave my family behind?

My thoughts are all over the place. I sound crazy dont I

 

[theguineapigking]

Your thoughts are all over the place. It's not because you're crazy though! It's because too much is happening to you. Abuse and depression go badly together! Especially if you feel conflicted between life and death.

One of the hardest things that you can do is to kill yourself, thanks to si. Family can hold you back too, which it sounds like is part of the reason why you are struggling to ctb. Yes, the thought of becoming a vegetable is TERRIFYING! It's scary to imagine that you can be worse off than you are now. That's why I think sn is good, because it's less likely to cause any major permanent damage.


You say you're scared of not being able to come back to this life once it's all over..do you mean once you die? Or did you mean if it fails, you fear you'll be harshly judged? Also, does your brother physically hurt you, or verbally abuse you?

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Is there anywhere that you can go to escape for a while, such as a park or a long walk(yes, I know covid limits options)?

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Your thoughts are all over the place. It's not because you're crazy though! It's because too much is happening to you. Abuse and depression go badly together! Especially if you feel conflicted between life and death.

One of the hardest things that you can do is to kill yourself, thanks to si. Family can hold you back too, which it sounds like is part of the reason why you are struggling to ctb. Yes, the thought of becoming a vegetable is TERRIFYING! It's scary to imagine that you can be worse off than you are now. That's why I think sn is good, because it's less likely to cause any major permanent damage.


You say you're scared of not being able to come back to this life once it's all over..do you mean once you die? Or did you mean if it fails, you fear you'll be harshly judged? Also, does your brother physically hurt you, or verbally abuse you?

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Is there anywhere that you can go to escape for a while, such as a park or a long walk(yes, I know covid limits options)?

He can be physical but mostly verbal. He abuses my dad too (they both abuse each other though its bad) anyways, I feel nobody cares and secretly they want me dead. Though I feel I should die just to mentally fuck with them

 

[Ghost2211]

That's such a toxic environment. Is it possible to look into public help resources in your area and see if you can find a small place alone and a service job? It obviously wouldn't be much but when I left my abusive family life alone was a lot better. It might be worth seeing if life is less painful away from them.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

That's such a toxic environment. Is it possible to look into public help resources in your area and see if you can find a small place alone and a service job? It obviously wouldn't be much but when I left my abusive family life alone was a lot better. It might be worth seeing if life is less painful away from them.

I think I'd rather have SN and just die. I am too weak for life

 

[Ghost2211]

I think I'd rather have SN and just die. I am too weak for life

I can respect that. I know how it feels to get too tired to care or try anymore. It was mostly just a thought. Sending you hugs.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I can respect that. I know how it feels to get too tired to care or try anymore. It was mostly just a thought. Sending you hugs.

I know I appreciate it. Though abuse is all I know. I dont trust the outside world. All I know is that I will die unloved

 

[Ghost2211]

I know I appreciate it. Though abuse is all I know. I dont trust the outside world. All I know is that I will die unloved

You are loved. I know it's not the same, but you do matter me and the group. You will be missend, and you are cared about. Nobody deserves to grow up in such an abusive environment.

 

[Wayfaerer]

I dont know how I can survive. All I can say is that I wish I killed myself when I was 13

Took the words right out of my mouth.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

You are loved. I know it's not the same, but you do matter me and the group. You will be missend, and you are cared about. Nobody deserves to grow up in such an abusive environment.

I think I do. otherwise why wasn't I given a better life?

I am also thinking of having SN on hand when I am ready to die. Heh

Dying now I would have never had a boyfriend, any genuine friend, or any form of in person love. Miserable short life

 

[RedDEE]

I've had a genuine friend, and a person in love. It all crashed and burned, and sunk my ship of life.

Not trying to dissuade you from living. They say 'it's better to love and to have lost than to never have loved at all'. It seems like a 'catch 22' to me. When you haven't had loved, you yearn for it more than anything. But if you're like me, and you had it, you wish you never had it in the first place.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't, seems to be the situation we're in, all around. I'm sorry.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

I've had a genuine friend, and a person in love. It all crashed and burned, and sunk my ship of life.

Not trying to dissuade you from living. They say 'it's better to love and to have lost than to never have loved at all'. It seems like a 'catch 22' to me. When you haven't had loved, you yearn for it more than anything. But if you're like me, and you had it, you wish you never had it in the first place.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't, seems to be the situation we're in, all around. I'm sorry.

Yeah. Sometimes I wish I never had love in the first place. I wish I was hated on maybe it would have been easier if I had no love. Love hurts

 

[Michaelwaev]

Eh, situations like that are tough. Ahoy. Take your time away, from the house it could send a 'spiral' of I can't even live in my own house type of thing, idk I had that a while back. But to be honest it's perfectly worth taking your time away from your apartment of.. uh, ludicrous attitude.

 

[DeathIsTheWayOut99]

Eh, situations like that are tough. Ahoy. Take your time away, from the house it could send a 'spiral' of I can't even live in my own house type of thing, idk I had that a while back. But to be honest it's perfectly worth taking your time away from your apartment of.. uh, ludicrous attitude.

Yeah, I wish I had a place to escape to

though if I left unannounced my fam would have a search party after me lol

 

[Michaelwaev]

Fuck. I felt that...:/ keep knocking the way to your fresh life, you deserve better. I got a song that may still you a little bit if you wanna hear it.

You may wanna check out what so not, music's the healer, buddy :')

 

[Tigeress Lost]

I've had a genuine friend, and a person in love. It all crashed and burned, and sunk my ship of life.

Not trying to dissuade you from living. They say 'it's better to love and to have lost than to never have loved at all'. It seems like a 'catch 22' to me. When you haven't had loved, you yearn for it more than anything. But if you're like me, and you had it, you wish you never had it in the first place.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't, seems to be the situation we're in, all around. I'm sorry.

Dear Friend

I Feel Exactly Like That I Love I Really Love But I Lost It Forever & It's Never Coming Back But Your Words
It's Better To Have Loved & Been Loved Than Not At All Reminds Me Of 2018 We Only Broke Up Forever This Year 2020
But I Would Give Anything To Be In 2018 Again
At Least When I CTB I Know My Heart Soul & Body Had Love's Last Touch
I Want Him On The Phone When I CTB Taking SN But I'm Scared He Will Call For Help I Want To Die In His Arms Even If It's Via FB Messenger
But I Don't Want To Be Saved
Peace & Hugs To You