I'm so confused, I'm scared, I don't know what to do. Due to the illness of which I have been suffering for 5 years, I can neither learn nor work. For 3 years, I almost do not leave my house. It's physically hard for me to do everything, even go to the store. I have such a bad memory that it's very difficult for me to remember even what I ate for lunch, my brain's ability to think is very poor. I've been thinking about ctb for a long time, but I'm still here.
I was going to drink SN while my mother will be at work, but I changed my mind because it can be not enough time while she wil be absent.
Then I wanted to rent an apartment (not a hotel because I'm afraid that they will find me in it), but the postal service sent back the aquarium tests since I did not pick them up on time. I am really afraid to do an aquarium test, as I am afraid to drain the SN into the sewers. Also, for some reason, I am afraid of drink SN without a test, I am very very afraid to survive and get damaged. I'm lost. I found my "sweet spot", but I didn't finish the job, I was not sure that the pressure would be enough, the rope would be tense enough, and everything would go as it should. It's also very difficult not to get up when you start to feel tingling sensations all over your body and other sensations from partial hanging. Soon there will be my exams, which, I will fail, because as I said, my body is simply not capable of learning despite how hard I want or try. I was going to ctb before the exams. But I still here, I have only 3 days left. My mother thinks that I can pass them and study, thinks that I've got a little better, but it's not so. I did not tell her the truth, and for some reason she does not see.
I always haven't get along with this world, I am literally not designed for this world. I just want to feel nothing.
I was going to drink SN while my mother will be at work, but I changed my mind because it can be not enough time while she wil be absent.
Then I wanted to rent an apartment (not a hotel because I'm afraid that they will find me in it), but the postal service sent back the aquarium tests since I did not pick them up on time. I am really afraid to do an aquarium test, as I am afraid to drain the SN into the sewers. Also, for some reason, I am afraid of drink SN without a test, I am very very afraid to survive and get damaged. I'm lost. I found my "sweet spot", but I didn't finish the job, I was not sure that the pressure would be enough, the rope would be tense enough, and everything would go as it should. It's also very difficult not to get up when you start to feel tingling sensations all over your body and other sensations from partial hanging. Soon there will be my exams, which, I will fail, because as I said, my body is simply not capable of learning despite how hard I want or try. I was going to ctb before the exams. But I still here, I have only 3 days left. My mother thinks that I can pass them and study, thinks that I've got a little better, but it's not so. I did not tell her the truth, and for some reason she does not see.
I always haven't get along with this world, I am literally not designed for this world. I just want to feel nothing.
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