Venting I don't know anything anymore

[ZomGuy]

Ok guys sooo, these days I was supposed to ctb using the SN method. But for some reason I haven't. It's not that I don't want to, there's nothing I desire more than dying. It's just that I don't know what to believe anymore. I believed there's a god but now when I think of my death I'm sure there will be nothing, like the days before being born. I don't know what caused this. Maybe it's because the last months have shown me that there's no reason to believe in god, an afterlife, a second chance to live or whatever..Why should there be one single thing to give me hope, because life can't offer me one damn positive thing. Maybe that's why I'm starting to believe even death can't offer something positive. I mean if death just means nothingness, fair enough. I don't think nothingness is that bad because there is nothing to experience anyway. However, the hardest part for me is expecting nothingness and still ctb because right now nothingness is a problem for my head, since I'm still breathing. Experiencing nothingness itself won't be the problem. The last months have shown me that I can't trust anyone and that promises are just a mirage, and that there will never be one person who will be my friend. Every friendship I build up is destined to fall apart in the end. I'm so confused that I can't take the damn SN because I know I'm going to freak out, being unable to sleep, maybe dying a long and painful death. I need to be calm to ctb which I'm not at all right now. I'm afraid not even benzos can keep me calm for a few minutes. It's so messed up. I'm starting to believe my only option is hiring someone to just shoot me but I don't have the money. If there hadn't been this change of mind regarding what's after death, I would have ctb'd by now. Anyway, I apologize for this nonsense but I just had to vent.

 

[SinisterKid]

Having been clinically dead, one thing I am 100% convinced about is, it is not the end when we leave this mortal coil. I experienced a total peace and the sense of belonging to a consciousness so vast we cannot even begin to quantify it. I was not a person in the sense we know and understand and neither was anyone/anything else, more of a being, just being. It is certainly nothing that I am afraid of and in its own way is extremely seductive.

I am beginning to believe that the more we think and obsess about suicide the harder the act becomes. Just posted a thread about it earlier on before reading this. I think its perfectly natural to feel all the confusion and emotions you are feeling. Ending a life when we are instilled otherwise is not going to be a easy task to complete.

The finality of death is not something that comes easily to any of us. Maybe [if you believe in Karma] its not your time as life conspires to prevent you catching that bus?

 

[Empty Smile]

there will never be one person who will be my friend

Wrong. Believe it or not, you have some here. We may not ever speak to each other, but we'll be there when you need that shoulder to lean on. I've made more friends here, than I have in real life in the past 5 years.

 

[「 」]

Having been clinically dead, one thing I am 100% convinced about is, it is not the end when we leave this mortal coil. I experienced a total peace and the sense of belonging to a consciousness so vast we cannot even begin to quantify it. I was not a person in the sense we know and understand and neither was anyone/anything else, more of a being, just being. It is certainly nothing that I am afraid of and in its own way is extremely seductive.

this is very encouraging to read because I experienced something like this while doing salvia. thank you!

 

[ZomGuy]

Having been clinically dead, one thing I am 100% convinced about is, it is not the end when we leave this mortal coil. I experienced a total peace and the sense of belonging to a consciousness so vast we cannot even begin to quantify it. I was not a person in the sense we know and understand and neither was anyone/anything else, more of a being, just being. It is certainly nothing that I am afraid of and in its own way is extremely seductive.

I am beginning to believe that the more we think and obsess about suicide the harder the act becomes. Just posted a thread about it earlier on before reading this. I think its perfectly natural to feel all the confusion and emotions you are feeling. Ending a life when we are instilled otherwise is not going to be a easy task to complete.

The finality of death is not something that comes easily to any of us. Maybe [if you believe in Karma] its not your time as life conspires to prevent you catching that bus?

Thank you su much for answering, what you said really helped me to regain my belief in an afterlife. It helps because I don't think I'll be able to ctb thinking of the nothingness which awaits me. It'll be much easier if I at least believe that there's something after death. I believe in karma but I'm sure it's time for me to go. The only thing that I need to do before I ctb soon is just calming down a bit, to be mentally ready to do this.

Wrong. Believe it or not, you have some here. We may not ever speak to each other, but we'll be there when you need that shoulder to lean on. I've made more friends here, than I have in real life in the past 5 years.

Thank you so much! That's true, I'm glad to have been part of this community, because it's the only place I can find people like me.

 

[BipolarExpat]

I mentioned elsewhere a theory on the afterlife that I'd read in a new agey, spiritual guidebook that resonates with me (for obvious reasons),....

Suicide, homicide, tragedy, drama, natural or not, the viewpoint in this book was that we're all actors on this earth, in this level of physical existence, without even knowing it.

{The book also operates on the premise that judgement does not exist.}

Yes, our death(s) will change some things.

There's (more often than not) a great deal of anxiety leading up to death. The pressure is so heavy, it's almost unendurable, in many cases.

To use a very heavy example, consider a major airliner going down where everyone dies.
Imagine the intensity as it drops towards the freezing ocean. 250 people aboard.

Surely a few passengers are (were) suicidal under the surface. There could easily be a murderer on board, rapist(s), thieves, abusers, smugglers, traffickers, etc.
Essentially (out of 250 + crew) there's most likely a sprinkling of people guilty of causing some harm to others. (Not saying it's "Con Air"). ;)

Overwhelmingly there are a large amount of gentle, genuine, warm souls. There are couples in love, couples on the brink of divorce, cheaters, people with good and bad news, someone who just found out they have 3 weeks to live. You get the picture.

What's a flight beyond a cross section of society?

All together speeding towards certain death, all (or mostly) afraid and many in sheer terror.

Then,....the plane explodes on impact into a fiery ball that proceeds to sink.

click the curtain drops.

On the other side, each and every soul embraces, congratulates and laughs together....

they laugh about that earth-intensity - knowing (realizing once again) that death is....just death.

It's as natural as life, taking a piss, having sex or breathing.

It's not nearly as significant as humans often hold it up to be.

If life was truly sacred, something to always be protected, why would death even exist in the first place?

The standpoint of the writer's view on death is difficult to explain here, but it could singlehandedly destroy all thought of war, if it were truly understood.



And if one does need a solid reason to ctB (in order to not be punished), where's the yardstick?

Surely we each have our own threshold. And we wouldn't be showing up on the other side if we didn't feel we reached that line...

Death is all about change - change the only one, single thing you can count on in this world.

Sorry for the ramble.

 

[bluesky1972-2019]

I mentioned elsewhere a theory on the afterlife that I'd read in a new agey, spiritual guidebook that resonates with me (for obvious reasons),....

Suicide, homicide, tragedy, drama, natural or not, the viewpoint in this book was that we're all actors on this earth, in this level of physical existence, without even knowing it.

{The book also operates on the premise that judgement does not exist.}

Yes, our death(s) will change some things.

There's (more often than not) a great deal of anxiety leading up to death. The pressure is so heavy, it's almost unendurable, in many cases.

To use a very heavy example, consider a major airliner going down where everyone dies.
Imagine the intensity as it drops towards the freezing ocean. 250 people aboard.

Surely a few passengers are (were) suicidal under the surface. There could easily be a murderer on board, rapist(s), thieves, abusers, smugglers, traffickers, etc.
Essentially (out of 250 + crew) there's most likely a sprinkling of people guilty of causing some harm to others. (Not saying it's "Con Air"). ;)

Overwhelmingly there are a large amount of gentle, genuine, warm souls. There are couples in love, couples on the brink of divorce, cheaters, people with good and bad news, someone who just found out they have 3 weeks to live. You get the picture.

What's a flight beyond a cross section of society?

All together speeding towards certain death, all (or mostly) afraid and many in sheer terror.

Then,....the plane explodes on impact into a fiery ball that proceeds to sink.

click the curtain drops.

On the other side, each and every soul embraces, congratulates and laughs together....

they laugh about that earth-intensity - knowing (realizing once again) that death is....just death.

It's as natural as life, taking a piss, having sex or breathing.

It's not nearly as significant as humans often hold it up to be.

If life was truly sacred, something to always be protected, why would death even exist in the first place?

The standpoint of the writer's view on death is difficult to explain here, but it could singlehandedly destroy all thought of war, if it were truly understood.



And if one does need a solid reason to ctB (in order to not be punished), where's the yardstick?

Surely we each have our own threshold. And we wouldn't be showing up on the other side if we didn't feel we reached that line...

Death is all about change - change the only one, single thing you can count on in this world.

Sorry for the ramble.

Maybe that's why we have the prolifer types? They work for the Director of the show that is called "life". We are all actors and the show must go on! If everyone ctb then we would all be sat in the audience with show to watch?

When you think about life, what is it? I think the Matrix film has it right. Life is just a series of electrical impulses to the brain. Everything you see, touch, smell, feel etc...... is just an electrical signal telling your brain that's what it is.

The life long question will always be what is the meaning of life? There is no answer because nobody knows.

 

[BipolarExpat]

The life long question will always be what is the meaning of life?

To me the meaning of life is continual growth. Once that is not possible, may as well ctb.

 

[JoeFailure]

Yeah, I think it's growth and helping other people. And saving money. The last of which I learned too late and will likely have to ctb because of.