Venting I don't know anymore

[ForeverCaHa]

I was so set on this Saturday being my chosen date, it's the anniversary of the day I met my late partner. But today walking downstairs I walked past my little sister as she got back from school, and I don't know if I can do it to her. She's so soft spoken and innocent, I don't know how she'd react. The pain of losing my partner to suicide has been horrific, it's rotting me from the inside out, but I don't want my sister to have to carry the same pain throughout her life. She's still just a child.

I'm just so fucking scared (excuse my language). I'm scared of facing the anniversaries, scared of the memories, scared of seeing photos of him, scared of the daily breakdowns. I want to be with him so badly, but deep down I know that death is death, there's no utopia after it. That makes me feel even worse though. Knowing he's gone and gone for good. I'll never see him again. Just writing that is making me sob. There won't be anyone like him ever again. I was just too childish to see the life I could have had with him. If I knew this would happen I wouldn't have started that argument. I wouldn't have lashed out. Now if I cancel my CTB plans I'm going to have that night haunt me forever, and it hurts more than I can describe. I failed him, and that's that.

I lead a miserable life before him, and now I'll lead an even more miserable life after him. I won't sit here and say it's impossible for me to find love again, I'm old enough to know that the 'one true love' is only a thing in movies. But what happens if/when I meet someone new and they ask what happened in my previous relationship? How can I explain why I'm deathly afraid to upset anyone? Or why my mum scrambles to turn the TV off if the series or film has a depiction of suicide? Or why I wake up in the night crying? I thought I knew the depths of depression earlier in my life, but none of that compares to this.

I've lost so much weight these past two months. I've barely washed. I haven't brushed my teeth in God knows how long. I've fallen back into self-harm. My life has turned into a black mass. Nothing feels real. I don't remember anything of the last two months.

I was so certain that I was ready. Maybe I was. But having waited these weeks for the anniversary, maybe my mind has had time to calm itself.

I'm just so scared of the future. I'm scared of everything.

Just to wind things out on a haha funny: I wouldn't mind, but I booked a real fancy hotel, so that's £300 down the fucking drain if I don't go and bloody twatting poison myself for fucks sake why didn't I just get a cheap room

 

[hhtroc]

I cannot say if it is worth the fight but if you met someone like your previous partner again, do you think they really would mind and reject you for having to go through this? I don't think so. If they do they are not the one and I am starting to realize just how many people with trauma there are. The thought of a "pay off" not exisiting in the afterlife also really scares me. Whenever i shower or brush my teeth if i do, i start to think "wow, for who or what am i doing this".
I am 100 percent sure there is more than one great person out there for you, probably loads. But I know how hard it is to find that worth the struggle.
I have spoken to a lot of people who lost someone to suicide recently and everyone blames themselves always. I am overthinking every situation and every end to a conversation to make it so people don't think it was something they did that tipped me over the edge. But it will require so much time for you to believe it and it must be unbelievably hard to just be. I am happy to see you posting cause I think your otter picture is very cute.
This is probably advice you have been given before but there are groups for people who have lost someone to suicide. I guess at this point, it would not make it worse, would it? If there is anything I can help you with or take your mind off stuff, hmu. I am in a situation where living is also very difficult albeit for different reasons.

 

[Halfhourdays]

What would he say about all this?