segasonicexe
Member
- Aug 20, 2024
- 16
i absolutely hate my life. fucking despise my empty existence. i send my days feeling sick to the stomach an dysphoric to hell and back. There's just something in me that isn't willing to give up and i don't know why. I've attempted so many times but god were they unsuccessful. Frankly, im not sure where to go from here. I could try put my life back together, again but thats been my life for the past 6 or 7 years. being 18 thats not a small amount of time. i dont understand how i could still have some kind of SI but i do. Maybe i could do something with my life before i just toss it away. After all, my wretched mother got away with everything she did to all her children and it would bring me joy to give her even a taste of all the awful things she did to us. I have an opportunity to move back in with her too, so that'll just make things more fun.
I've been able to fool the world again. They all think im back to normal. no longer screaming for my own death, but oh how they're wrong. How it boils my blood watching them all from afar. I don't have to put up with this very long though. For all that my life is, i CAN just try end it again. I just don't see it going anywhere anymore. I'm certainly a far cry from the person i was before and i'm not sure if things can get better. i used to do well in school but now i just can't. i used to get up every day and declare my name with gusto but now thats something i see as merely afforded to me. like it's a privilege. I didn't even plan for getting as far as i did. now i have to decide on colleges and shit and all I'm thinking about is the fact that i never wanted to be alive in the first place.
oh how it fills me with rage watching other fellow transgenders. accepting parents or not i fucking hate them. Look at them. So hopeful, so themselves. So proud to simply be. I know it's not easy for them but it still makes me go insane knowing that whatever they're going through didn't destroy them like it destroyed me. Theres one i met not so long ago that drives me absolutely insane. Her parents just love her for it. Within the bloody week they'd made appointments for her. How many years have i waited for that? Her mind appears absent of all the rot that fills the average of our kind at her age. do you know how much I've torn apart my own skin over this? The blood thats seeped down my legs? The sheer amount of times I've tried to CTB because of it? I have been in the position where i tried multiple times in one night. I've lost all fire i used to have, i lost my whits and I've lost my sanity. Others at school think im a lunatic because my mind has, for lack of a better term, rotted. My family is in shambles, frankly just me being trans turned my house into a fucking war zone for actual years. I feel so sick, i feel so dirty and whats worse i know for a fact that if i don't seek treatment soon, I'll never be afforded the luxury of my own face again. I can't take it. Enough of the last chances, i just want to die.
so to put a long story short, i want advice. How do i make sure i actually follow through with my CTB plans? Every time i get real scared of what happens after death and such, plus i get upset thinking about my friends reactions to my death. what do you guys suggest? Should i even CTB?
I've been able to fool the world again. They all think im back to normal. no longer screaming for my own death, but oh how they're wrong. How it boils my blood watching them all from afar. I don't have to put up with this very long though. For all that my life is, i CAN just try end it again. I just don't see it going anywhere anymore. I'm certainly a far cry from the person i was before and i'm not sure if things can get better. i used to do well in school but now i just can't. i used to get up every day and declare my name with gusto but now thats something i see as merely afforded to me. like it's a privilege. I didn't even plan for getting as far as i did. now i have to decide on colleges and shit and all I'm thinking about is the fact that i never wanted to be alive in the first place.
oh how it fills me with rage watching other fellow transgenders. accepting parents or not i fucking hate them. Look at them. So hopeful, so themselves. So proud to simply be. I know it's not easy for them but it still makes me go insane knowing that whatever they're going through didn't destroy them like it destroyed me. Theres one i met not so long ago that drives me absolutely insane. Her parents just love her for it. Within the bloody week they'd made appointments for her. How many years have i waited for that? Her mind appears absent of all the rot that fills the average of our kind at her age. do you know how much I've torn apart my own skin over this? The blood thats seeped down my legs? The sheer amount of times I've tried to CTB because of it? I have been in the position where i tried multiple times in one night. I've lost all fire i used to have, i lost my whits and I've lost my sanity. Others at school think im a lunatic because my mind has, for lack of a better term, rotted. My family is in shambles, frankly just me being trans turned my house into a fucking war zone for actual years. I feel so sick, i feel so dirty and whats worse i know for a fact that if i don't seek treatment soon, I'll never be afforded the luxury of my own face again. I can't take it. Enough of the last chances, i just want to die.
so to put a long story short, i want advice. How do i make sure i actually follow through with my CTB plans? Every time i get real scared of what happens after death and such, plus i get upset thinking about my friends reactions to my death. what do you guys suggest? Should i even CTB?
