I don't have the guts

[Oblivion Access]

To live or die. Even if I muster the courage to attempt again, I'll fuck it up like anything else. As much as I wish it was the depression talking, I do have a track record of being a passive and incompetent yet reckless and selfish (on rare occasion i do anything but stare at screen) individual. I really do feel like I'm missing some crucial inner component that lets people function at a minimal level, though I doubt my predicament is unique at all. Crushed by solitude, I long for human contact yet most interactions leave me feeling better off alone, extended solitude worsens my social skills leading to even worse interactions, so goes the vicious cycle. Why is any of this necessary? Why would I subject myself to this, were death within my grasp? What's it like to go a day without longing for death?

I'm stuck here, it would appear. Last year I got mad at a friend who revived me when I overdosed, saying she should have let me die. I didn't remember any of this later, so of course, I apologized for saying something so mean, though I still feel that way now. Not angry, just disappointed I lived. I'd have been spared many months of misery, including the worst physical pain I've ever felt (pro tip: don't blackout sitting in a chair, go lie down to not risk cutting off blood flow to legs. Nerve pain is hell). It's tolerable now but I can't even have moderate amounts of salt w/o making it worse, damage seems permanent. But more than physical pain, my soul is vacant. I feel like a walking corpse. Why did I post this in Recovery? I don't know. Some semblance of hope? Nobody but you can save you from yourself, but if that's really true, I might just be doomed. Press Yay! to laugh at the cruel absurdity of involuntary existence with me. Haha dopamine go brrr!

 

[Toxic Positivity]

That's the worst, isn't it? Feeling like one has lost the conviction to live well or die well. Just, floating, existing, being...what, exactly? Nothing, exactly, nothing particularly. Just being. Cells and oxygen transfer and the fluid dynamics of the heart. Light through the cornea into the optic nerve. What does what I see mean, when I don't mean anything? It's hell. I am getting out of that hell by the grace of my circumstances and my fortunate awareness of options available to me other than death, but I don't pretend for one second that I am any better off by sheer will. I am lucky not to feel this way anymore, or to feel this way only rarely.

I hope you have the guts to live well some day. I don't know how, but it's what, selfishly, I wish for you.

 

[whatevs]

I obey your commands. Yay emoji it is.

 

[myopybyproxy]

To live or die. Even if I muster the courage to attempt again, I'll fuck it up like anything else. As much as I wish it was the depression talking, I do have a track record of being a passive and incompetent yet reckless and selfish (on rare occasion i do anything but stare at screen) individual. I really do feel like I'm missing some crucial inner component that lets people function at a minimal level, though I doubt my predicament is unique at all. Crushed by solitude, I long for human contact yet most interactions leave me feeling better off alone, extended solitude worsens my social skills leading to even worse interactions, so goes the vicious cycle.

did i write this? because same.

 

[Siterfau]

Somebody actually put what I was hoping to post into words lmao.

It's a hollow existence, to know that the only reason you're still here is because you don't have a way to end it all. No reason to push myself to live, but I can't find it within myself to die.