Venting I don't have the courage to go from passive suicidality to active suicidality

[ijustwishtodie]

I just don't. I like to fantasise about death a lot but I don't think that I have the courage or endurance to actually kill myself. With every passing moment, I feel a desperate urge to be dead as I can feel more and more responsibilities piling up on me. Gradually, my parents want me to be more responsible and to be more active. Gradually, society wants me to be responsible and to be a wage slave. I can't take it anymore. I'm going insane from having to tackle with so much. Due to my autism, I'm extremely sensitive to suffering, pain and pressure so I can't handle much on my plate. My head feels dizzy from just washing the dishes.

I need to kill myself sooner or later as I'm going to go insane from all of the responsibilities piling up on me. I hate that life requires so much effort. Because I get worn down easily from having to deal with life related shit, I know that I'm also going to get worn down easily from having to deal with a suicide attempt.

In truth, the most comfortable thing for me to do is to avoid suicide and avoid responsibilities as much as I can. However, I can't avoid responsibilities if I don't die. I need to go against my "path of least resistance" mindset if I'm going to actually kill myself but... I just can't. I hate this. I'm forced to survive against my will because I don't have the courage to end it all.

I'm going insane. I feel like I'm going to have a meltdown soon from having to deal with so much in life. I get extreme headaches almost everyday from just being stressed at the thought of dealing with being an adult. I don't know how to go from passive suicidality to active suicidality. I don't want to be forced to survive through my life for as long as possible. I want it to end early so that I can be freed from the cruel fate of being a human. I think that it's unethical to force me to stay alive when I get so easily overwhelmed at life.

I wish I had the courage to end it all but I know I don't and that makes me so depressed and stressed

 

[tsykoais]

I wish I had the courage to end it all but I know I don't and that makes me so depressed and stressed

it truly sucks, being so tired yet not being able to sleep when you didn't ask to be woken up in the first place. sending you love <3

 

[drag201]

This is exactly what I've been feeling! You worded it perfectly. I don't have the courage to do it either. I have the resources and knowledge but everytime I think about it it fills me with anxiety and stress. But not as much as living does, I relate to being so sensitive about all these responsibilities pile on you and just feeling cornered by everything. I don't wanna deal with any of them either. But I know I can't just continue to be alive and avoid them, the only way I can avoid all of life is well, by ending it. But I can't. I don't know whats holding me back. Best wishes to you, and I hope you're doing well.

 

[CantDoIt]

I am going thru the same thing. I know I won't be happy but I can't stop prolonging my existence. I have a lot of fear of dying but living is 100 percent going to be worse. I hate it so much.