neverwashere
Self sabotaging to cope with it all
- Apr 25, 2023
- 73
My best friend just got into a relationship with someone they've liked for well over a year. I'm happy for them and all, but I feel like it's important to note that this person is my ex. It's been about three years since we broke up and it wasn't super serious or anything-- only lasted about a month or so, and yet my best friend still decided to go after them, completely forgetting about "bro code".
Anyways, they forgot about "bro code" so much that they completely ditched me. We had plans to hang out on halloween that I was really looking forward to because I almost never go out with friends (I don't have very many) and despite my mental health getting worse and worse by the day, I saw this outing as a reason to hold on.
Fast forward to a few hours ago. My best friend COMPLETELY flaked on me because their new partner "wanted to have a movie date". A fucking. Movie date. This friend knew just how excited I was for this and how much I love halloween, and yet they still did this. They did apologize after I expressed how upset I was, but they didn't change their plan.
They ditched me for someone they've been with for a few days. They cut one of their childhood best friends off because of this person back in February, and now they're completely disregarding me and my feelings because "hehe they're dating :3"
I'm not someone who gets angry easily. I'm depressed and unstable, yes, but I'm not an angry person. But I am absolutely fucking livid right now. I get that they're excited they have another partner to fool around with (mind you, this is their 4th or 5th "love interest" since June) but that shouldn't give them an excuse to just cut me off like that, knowing how fragile I am and how terrified I am of abandonment. We talked and they don't seem to understand just how upset I am. I want to scream and cry and never talk to them again, even if that means almost total social isolation.
So yeah. I don't have anything to look forward to anymore. No far-off date that I force myself to live for until it happens, hoping that I find more reasons as I wait for the time to come.
Right now I don't have any reasons. I relapsed on SH on sunday night, and it isn't an understatement to say that it was worst I've ever cut myself in all five years that I've been actively cutting. Planning to break that record tonight. I know I won't bleed out or die, but I know it'll help me feel better, if only for a few minutes while I'm cutting. I know I'll feel worse after I cut. But I also know that I deserve it.
Maybe pain is the reason I live. Maybe if I endure enough of it, I'll gain some sort of insight into the world that will make it all make sense. But I doubt it.
Although now that I think about it, I could set a date to kill myself on and look forward to that. Maybe dying will be what I live for, at least for the next month.
Anyways, they forgot about "bro code" so much that they completely ditched me. We had plans to hang out on halloween that I was really looking forward to because I almost never go out with friends (I don't have very many) and despite my mental health getting worse and worse by the day, I saw this outing as a reason to hold on.
Fast forward to a few hours ago. My best friend COMPLETELY flaked on me because their new partner "wanted to have a movie date". A fucking. Movie date. This friend knew just how excited I was for this and how much I love halloween, and yet they still did this. They did apologize after I expressed how upset I was, but they didn't change their plan.
They ditched me for someone they've been with for a few days. They cut one of their childhood best friends off because of this person back in February, and now they're completely disregarding me and my feelings because "hehe they're dating :3"
I'm not someone who gets angry easily. I'm depressed and unstable, yes, but I'm not an angry person. But I am absolutely fucking livid right now. I get that they're excited they have another partner to fool around with (mind you, this is their 4th or 5th "love interest" since June) but that shouldn't give them an excuse to just cut me off like that, knowing how fragile I am and how terrified I am of abandonment. We talked and they don't seem to understand just how upset I am. I want to scream and cry and never talk to them again, even if that means almost total social isolation.
So yeah. I don't have anything to look forward to anymore. No far-off date that I force myself to live for until it happens, hoping that I find more reasons as I wait for the time to come.
Right now I don't have any reasons. I relapsed on SH on sunday night, and it isn't an understatement to say that it was worst I've ever cut myself in all five years that I've been actively cutting. Planning to break that record tonight. I know I won't bleed out or die, but I know it'll help me feel better, if only for a few minutes while I'm cutting. I know I'll feel worse after I cut. But I also know that I deserve it.
Maybe pain is the reason I live. Maybe if I endure enough of it, I'll gain some sort of insight into the world that will make it all make sense. But I doubt it.
Although now that I think about it, I could set a date to kill myself on and look forward to that. Maybe dying will be what I live for, at least for the next month.
