kohaku
Nonbinary Hysteric
- Mar 27, 2019
- 188
I hate being uncertain about death.
I feel so goddamn empty. Losing people over and over again. Now even as I have people who care, I wonder what's the point of it all. I don't know if I'm ever going to kill myself, but I've done so much research and written notes. I kind of don't want to. I want to live. But...
The satisfaction that people should feel when accomplishing things? Being themselves? I never really felt it. It's like I'm incapable of feeling satisfied with myself. I've always needed someone to do it for me. But people come and go. I can never keep friends for long because my mind just won't shut up. My parents and my environment growing up totally ruined my self-esteem and even though I'm aware of this I don't know if I'll ever get it back.
I'm feeling like I'm back in time again. Alone and lost in thought. I hate feeling empty like this but I have been for years now. I don't have it in me to be positive anymore since my last few relationships fell apart. I wish I could, because I really just want to make people happy... I feel like I only exist to make others happy, because I feel meaningless if I don't. I just don't care about myself as a person.
I'm a coward who can't make the big step. I have someone who's willing to help me financially, but I haven't gone through with it yet. I don't know if I will. I'm stuck.
I don't want advice. I guess I just wanted to vent.
I feel so goddamn empty. Losing people over and over again. Now even as I have people who care, I wonder what's the point of it all. I don't know if I'm ever going to kill myself, but I've done so much research and written notes. I kind of don't want to. I want to live. But...
The satisfaction that people should feel when accomplishing things? Being themselves? I never really felt it. It's like I'm incapable of feeling satisfied with myself. I've always needed someone to do it for me. But people come and go. I can never keep friends for long because my mind just won't shut up. My parents and my environment growing up totally ruined my self-esteem and even though I'm aware of this I don't know if I'll ever get it back.
I'm feeling like I'm back in time again. Alone and lost in thought. I hate feeling empty like this but I have been for years now. I don't have it in me to be positive anymore since my last few relationships fell apart. I wish I could, because I really just want to make people happy... I feel like I only exist to make others happy, because I feel meaningless if I don't. I just don't care about myself as a person.
I'm a coward who can't make the big step. I have someone who's willing to help me financially, but I haven't gone through with it yet. I don't know if I will. I'm stuck.
I don't want advice. I guess I just wanted to vent.