iloveyouihateyou
probably die before it hurts
- Oct 23, 2024
- 61
recently i've been thinking alot, about everything in my life. i've been thinking of my friends and family, future career paths, my own ambitions, where the world is heading, i feel like i've had so much time to think about everything i've experienced in my life and in that time i came to the conclusion that, "i don't feel in control of my life anymore".
originally i was confused by myself but after deeper thought i feel like i just didn't want to accept this fact. i was thinking of what i'd be doing for school and this constant dread that comes with it, and i realized that if i had it my way i wouldn't be going, i'm only going because my parents keep pestering me about it when i don't feel like i'm ready yet. i'm only going because they want to pay for me and i'm seeing it as a free opportunity, but in reality i would not be going to school because i don't if i can handle it. but still i go along with these plans and meetings in hopes that my parents will finally give me some breathing room cause i did something that made them "happy". all of this at the cost of waking up early everyday for a whole year, at the cost of all my free time, at the cost of my mental health. i've always struggled in school and i dropped out of college once because i couldn't handle it but here we go again due to my parents... the pressure to perform, to pass, graduate, i'm fortunate it's only a year course but still if i could i would choose to not go in the first place.
at the same time i don't have a job right now, i've been looking regularly but the job market in canada is really shit right now. my parents don't seem to understand that at all. i used to percieve them as "cool young parents that understand" but over time they have just grown into these replicas of toxic adults that are so stuck in their own ways that they can't accept things have changed or can. i understand i need a job and i want one too, but despite having job experience already, they're just not coming to me. usually i just shrug it off and keep searching as one does, but my parents have been so persistent with annoying me or scolding me, i don't even know what the fuck they think they're helping with by doing this, but the only conversations i get with my mom and dad are about "how i need to get a job" or "i'm not looking hard enough" and they just keep repeating this shit every few days for MONTHS and we speak of nothing else but this. i just wonder what they think they're doing cause i don't feel more motivated, i just feel more let down by being turned down and more worried when i speak to them, cause i don't need this constant reminder, i need family. i need people who can still be there for me even when i'm not doing well. i have no clue what they think they are doing but they help nothing, they don't even believe me when i say i'm trying. i've literally spent days high off xanax applying to jobs in a blind haze just to get nothing, but of course my family will never know that and even if they did, they won't acknowledge any time i spend, they still think we live in the 90s or whatever. the disconnect is so mind boggling that i stop trying to reason and now i just feel like i'm saying the right things to get to the end of the conversation faster. i miss speaking to my parents, i still try to but all they ever talk about is jobs and school. i understand the benefits of both but i don't even feel like i'm striving for either, i just feel like i'm doing all this high commitment stuff just to appease my parents.
so yeah after this bullshit i go off to my "friends" trying to escape my home life, and we go out, smoke, drink, all the usual stuff which i enjoy. but something i've noticed with friends is that they've started trying to tell me what to do. i'm the youngest of my friend group (we're all in our 20s) so i can see why they might see me as a "little brother" sort of vibe but when did i become a person with no autonomy, like when did they start seeing me as someone who can't think for themselves? like they tell me to stop smoking cigarettes, or stop doing drugs, and sure i see where they're coming from but they also do drugs, drink everyday, they literally have the same problems but i swear they don't acknowledge their own faults... now i don't know if my friend is a narcissist but they make some passing jokes about it and i always give him the "ick" face cause come on bro, are you really proud of joking about being such a shitty personality? he even says that his crude jokes are a coping mechanism, which is fair but dragging others down to cope isn't cool at all. but regardless of that, it's so much easier to tell someone else to do something when you don't need to be there 24/7 to help that person accomplish what you want.
i feel like all these trusted figures in my life forget the effort it takes to actually do anything, but they keeping spouting their words as if they're making any difference in my life at all. all they have brought is alienation and stress to my life when i all i wanted was a place to go and share who i really am and what i really do. all people care about is.... i don't even fucking know. i don't why people are so content with sharing their rude unconstructive opinions, all i can imagine is that they feel some sort of righteousness or gratitude from talking their bullshit. like imagine someone you claim to care about is sharing their struggles, their hopes and dreams with you and the first thing you do is tell them what they're doing is wrong, or that they don't know what they're doing... like what position do you see yourself in to be saying such unhelpful things to someone? i'm not even calling for everyone to be a "yes man" but when everyone in life is telling you no, honestly it would be kind of nice...
even if i ignore all these people, i feel like the way the world runs forces me to do things i don't want to do. like we are all born into a world where the way to survive is to work for your whole life. i understand this is how society runs, how we exchange goods and all of that. but isn't it kind of sad to think that people have worked all their lives waiting for retirement, waiting for their 60s just to feel free? just to live freely? i get you can be your own boss and work your own schedule, make your own money, but even that comes with so much hours and times dedicated to a job. all pathways lead to me working some sort of job just to get anything out of life. i probably sound like captain obvious, but when i think of how i didn't even choose to be born, and how i'm forced to run this path with no other option.. it makes me feel so fucking hopeless. when i tell friends about this it seems everyone has just accepted it or they just tell me "it's life" and yeah i guess after a point you just accept it if you have no other choice but i can't believe this is what life really is at the bare minimum. you have to work to survive and it's always been like this and it always will.
but yeah i'm going way off track, to bring it all together, these interactions have brought me to this thought that i'm not in control of my life. i make decisions out of fear of other people, i listen to all these other people's opinions and try to change myself in hopes of making these people see better of me, making these people see me worthy of respect. i'm going to school, i'm tirelessly looking for work, i'm hiding my true thoughts and wearing my best mask as to not embarass or make people uncomfortable. i'm listening to others and actually remembering things that are said in hopes of being acknowledged, i'm changing the times i sleep and wake up for my family, i'm looking for work to contribute to society, but all i can think is "what am i actually doing of my own choice?"... i feel like i'm strapped to a rollercoaster, or on some sort on on rail shooter game, being carried on a set path and just doing whatever task i have in front of me. no choice but to figure out whatever situation comes next.
the worst part is is that life has always been like this but only recently have i been able to put it into words. the only thing that i do of my own choice, is play videogames, get high, get drunk, sleep in, stay out late... it may sound lame or simple but atleast it's stuff that i actually chose to do. i wonder how many other people are feeling this too, like i can imagine alot of people and hell i even know some people who are just doing things for their parents or their image for other people. and it's fucking sad man, like what happened to supporting eachother and accepting people's uniqueness? now even my so called "friends" are starting to do the same shit as my fucking parents... telling me what to do instead of asking "why do you do this" it's always "stop doing what you want and start doing what i'm doing".. what kind of life is this? this is how i've been living for all my life and it's honestly brought me to a halt. i don't have any ambition to carry on with anything, i don't want to be a puppet to other people. i don't need to be anything to anyone, i don't need to make anyone happy but myself.. but even as i say this, even as i come to the realization it's still so fucking difficult to break free from everything. what do i do? leave my home, leave everyone behind, move somewhere else, like what do i even do to escape this? well actually i know, i'm sure everyone here knows lol. i just wish there was an easier way to make people in my life accept and understand me. i feel like people are too busy thinking of their next response to even open their ears to a word i say. or maybe these people around me don't even listen to begin with, what do i know? trying to justify everyone's behaviour into a digestable idea is so tiresome. i would ask them why but genuinely these people i know, who used to be very thoughtful people aswell, have just lost their critical thinking or self awareness over the years and it's so sad to see people degrade like that. i try to empathize with them, maybe life was too much and they lost parts of themselves on the journey, but at the same time these people don't seem to think that way of me so why bother?
does anything i'm saying even make sense? as i come to the end of this rant i just wonder what's going to happen to me. how do i regain control of my life? how do i convince people to let me just live my life? i don't think it's possible. i want to believe i still have a chance for life, maybe if i disappeared and abandoned everyone i could do my own thing but i know i won't survive. i don't have any means of supporting myself, i don't have anywhere to go, i don't even want to be alone even if it means being surrounded by these people who don't even know me. i don't want to be alone, i don't want to die. i just want to be free from all of this suffering and uncertainty. sometimes it feels like dying is the only way to be free when fixing and changing everything seems impossible. i hope it's not true but maybe i already know the answer to my suffering and don't want to accept it. i don't know anymore i really fucking don't lol... i'm just trying to hang on for something. is being alive even my own choice? i genuinely have no clue what i'm doing anymore... all i know is how to get fucked up everyday and as sad as it sounds i'm just happy that it's something i choose to do, it's the only thing i can control with nobody to stop me. just like how i choose to drink at 4pm hahaaaaaa fuck my life :')
if you read all the way through, thank you for hearing me out. i had a point in there i hope it makes sense to others... i just started pouring out my grievances and kinda went off track. if you have any thoughts on the questions i ask in this post, i would appreciate hearing what you say. i hope you have a nice day <3
originally i was confused by myself but after deeper thought i feel like i just didn't want to accept this fact. i was thinking of what i'd be doing for school and this constant dread that comes with it, and i realized that if i had it my way i wouldn't be going, i'm only going because my parents keep pestering me about it when i don't feel like i'm ready yet. i'm only going because they want to pay for me and i'm seeing it as a free opportunity, but in reality i would not be going to school because i don't if i can handle it. but still i go along with these plans and meetings in hopes that my parents will finally give me some breathing room cause i did something that made them "happy". all of this at the cost of waking up early everyday for a whole year, at the cost of all my free time, at the cost of my mental health. i've always struggled in school and i dropped out of college once because i couldn't handle it but here we go again due to my parents... the pressure to perform, to pass, graduate, i'm fortunate it's only a year course but still if i could i would choose to not go in the first place.
at the same time i don't have a job right now, i've been looking regularly but the job market in canada is really shit right now. my parents don't seem to understand that at all. i used to percieve them as "cool young parents that understand" but over time they have just grown into these replicas of toxic adults that are so stuck in their own ways that they can't accept things have changed or can. i understand i need a job and i want one too, but despite having job experience already, they're just not coming to me. usually i just shrug it off and keep searching as one does, but my parents have been so persistent with annoying me or scolding me, i don't even know what the fuck they think they're helping with by doing this, but the only conversations i get with my mom and dad are about "how i need to get a job" or "i'm not looking hard enough" and they just keep repeating this shit every few days for MONTHS and we speak of nothing else but this. i just wonder what they think they're doing cause i don't feel more motivated, i just feel more let down by being turned down and more worried when i speak to them, cause i don't need this constant reminder, i need family. i need people who can still be there for me even when i'm not doing well. i have no clue what they think they are doing but they help nothing, they don't even believe me when i say i'm trying. i've literally spent days high off xanax applying to jobs in a blind haze just to get nothing, but of course my family will never know that and even if they did, they won't acknowledge any time i spend, they still think we live in the 90s or whatever. the disconnect is so mind boggling that i stop trying to reason and now i just feel like i'm saying the right things to get to the end of the conversation faster. i miss speaking to my parents, i still try to but all they ever talk about is jobs and school. i understand the benefits of both but i don't even feel like i'm striving for either, i just feel like i'm doing all this high commitment stuff just to appease my parents.
so yeah after this bullshit i go off to my "friends" trying to escape my home life, and we go out, smoke, drink, all the usual stuff which i enjoy. but something i've noticed with friends is that they've started trying to tell me what to do. i'm the youngest of my friend group (we're all in our 20s) so i can see why they might see me as a "little brother" sort of vibe but when did i become a person with no autonomy, like when did they start seeing me as someone who can't think for themselves? like they tell me to stop smoking cigarettes, or stop doing drugs, and sure i see where they're coming from but they also do drugs, drink everyday, they literally have the same problems but i swear they don't acknowledge their own faults... now i don't know if my friend is a narcissist but they make some passing jokes about it and i always give him the "ick" face cause come on bro, are you really proud of joking about being such a shitty personality? he even says that his crude jokes are a coping mechanism, which is fair but dragging others down to cope isn't cool at all. but regardless of that, it's so much easier to tell someone else to do something when you don't need to be there 24/7 to help that person accomplish what you want.
i feel like all these trusted figures in my life forget the effort it takes to actually do anything, but they keeping spouting their words as if they're making any difference in my life at all. all they have brought is alienation and stress to my life when i all i wanted was a place to go and share who i really am and what i really do. all people care about is.... i don't even fucking know. i don't why people are so content with sharing their rude unconstructive opinions, all i can imagine is that they feel some sort of righteousness or gratitude from talking their bullshit. like imagine someone you claim to care about is sharing their struggles, their hopes and dreams with you and the first thing you do is tell them what they're doing is wrong, or that they don't know what they're doing... like what position do you see yourself in to be saying such unhelpful things to someone? i'm not even calling for everyone to be a "yes man" but when everyone in life is telling you no, honestly it would be kind of nice...
even if i ignore all these people, i feel like the way the world runs forces me to do things i don't want to do. like we are all born into a world where the way to survive is to work for your whole life. i understand this is how society runs, how we exchange goods and all of that. but isn't it kind of sad to think that people have worked all their lives waiting for retirement, waiting for their 60s just to feel free? just to live freely? i get you can be your own boss and work your own schedule, make your own money, but even that comes with so much hours and times dedicated to a job. all pathways lead to me working some sort of job just to get anything out of life. i probably sound like captain obvious, but when i think of how i didn't even choose to be born, and how i'm forced to run this path with no other option.. it makes me feel so fucking hopeless. when i tell friends about this it seems everyone has just accepted it or they just tell me "it's life" and yeah i guess after a point you just accept it if you have no other choice but i can't believe this is what life really is at the bare minimum. you have to work to survive and it's always been like this and it always will.
but yeah i'm going way off track, to bring it all together, these interactions have brought me to this thought that i'm not in control of my life. i make decisions out of fear of other people, i listen to all these other people's opinions and try to change myself in hopes of making these people see better of me, making these people see me worthy of respect. i'm going to school, i'm tirelessly looking for work, i'm hiding my true thoughts and wearing my best mask as to not embarass or make people uncomfortable. i'm listening to others and actually remembering things that are said in hopes of being acknowledged, i'm changing the times i sleep and wake up for my family, i'm looking for work to contribute to society, but all i can think is "what am i actually doing of my own choice?"... i feel like i'm strapped to a rollercoaster, or on some sort on on rail shooter game, being carried on a set path and just doing whatever task i have in front of me. no choice but to figure out whatever situation comes next.
the worst part is is that life has always been like this but only recently have i been able to put it into words. the only thing that i do of my own choice, is play videogames, get high, get drunk, sleep in, stay out late... it may sound lame or simple but atleast it's stuff that i actually chose to do. i wonder how many other people are feeling this too, like i can imagine alot of people and hell i even know some people who are just doing things for their parents or their image for other people. and it's fucking sad man, like what happened to supporting eachother and accepting people's uniqueness? now even my so called "friends" are starting to do the same shit as my fucking parents... telling me what to do instead of asking "why do you do this" it's always "stop doing what you want and start doing what i'm doing".. what kind of life is this? this is how i've been living for all my life and it's honestly brought me to a halt. i don't have any ambition to carry on with anything, i don't want to be a puppet to other people. i don't need to be anything to anyone, i don't need to make anyone happy but myself.. but even as i say this, even as i come to the realization it's still so fucking difficult to break free from everything. what do i do? leave my home, leave everyone behind, move somewhere else, like what do i even do to escape this? well actually i know, i'm sure everyone here knows lol. i just wish there was an easier way to make people in my life accept and understand me. i feel like people are too busy thinking of their next response to even open their ears to a word i say. or maybe these people around me don't even listen to begin with, what do i know? trying to justify everyone's behaviour into a digestable idea is so tiresome. i would ask them why but genuinely these people i know, who used to be very thoughtful people aswell, have just lost their critical thinking or self awareness over the years and it's so sad to see people degrade like that. i try to empathize with them, maybe life was too much and they lost parts of themselves on the journey, but at the same time these people don't seem to think that way of me so why bother?
does anything i'm saying even make sense? as i come to the end of this rant i just wonder what's going to happen to me. how do i regain control of my life? how do i convince people to let me just live my life? i don't think it's possible. i want to believe i still have a chance for life, maybe if i disappeared and abandoned everyone i could do my own thing but i know i won't survive. i don't have any means of supporting myself, i don't have anywhere to go, i don't even want to be alone even if it means being surrounded by these people who don't even know me. i don't want to be alone, i don't want to die. i just want to be free from all of this suffering and uncertainty. sometimes it feels like dying is the only way to be free when fixing and changing everything seems impossible. i hope it's not true but maybe i already know the answer to my suffering and don't want to accept it. i don't know anymore i really fucking don't lol... i'm just trying to hang on for something. is being alive even my own choice? i genuinely have no clue what i'm doing anymore... all i know is how to get fucked up everyday and as sad as it sounds i'm just happy that it's something i choose to do, it's the only thing i can control with nobody to stop me. just like how i choose to drink at 4pm hahaaaaaa fuck my life :')
if you read all the way through, thank you for hearing me out. i had a point in there i hope it makes sense to others... i just started pouring out my grievances and kinda went off track. if you have any thoughts on the questions i ask in this post, i would appreciate hearing what you say. i hope you have a nice day <3
