Venting I don't feel human

[fleshgarden]

for a very long time I've felt very out of place with "normal" people.. when I was young I would try very hard to fit in with them but I still felt like I couldn't connect to them at all
for a while now, I've felt that I am just not human and I yearn to feel like myself, crawl out of my body, live in the forest.. I don't know how to explain it, but I know I am not any of these people around me, I feel a deep connection to being an animal, a cryptid, an unknowable creature
I don't know if this is just how I am or if it's connected to my cptsd and autism.. (I think it is) there is a lot of things that my trauma did to me that made me feel less than human, though I feel like it's more of my body's reaction to it than what happened.. my unavoidable nature to fawn and lurk in the shadows, I dissociate out of my body and my feelings and I do not feel any connection to my body whatsoever. I feel as if I'm burdened with the heaviness of living in a body and life that's not mine. I also have a lot of I guess emotional or mental defects that just makes me feel like I don't really feel qualified as a human either.. I don;t really feel like talking about them
it's not really just that either, I'm also more comfortable being seen as a cat or other animal personally just by my girlfriend.. no this is not something I just tell people.. just like her and my friend. I feel like the only things that bring me comfort are things that distract me from knowing I have this body and live in a place that is not where my brain tells me I am..
I have a lot of weird thoughts about this, and I don't want people to think I am weird, I just want someone to understand and I wonder if anyone else feels the same way

 

[darkenmydoorstep]

Don't know if similar but when I feel very bad, I often want to shrink myself, to get smaller and smaller so I cannot be seen. Like screening myself out of a situation so yes I get that.

 

[neverwashere]

I mostly get what you're feeling, especially with the "not feeling normal" bit, also because of my autism and cptsd. I don't feel comfortable in my own skin and I feel trapped by it if that makes sense lol

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

for a very long time I've felt very out of place with "normal" people.. when I was young I would try very hard to fit in with them but I still felt like I couldn't connect to them at all
for a while now, I've felt that I am just not human and I yearn to feel like myself, crawl out of my body, live in the forest.. I don't know how to explain it, but I know I am not any of these people around me, I feel a deep connection to being an animal, a cryptid, an unknowable creature
I don't know if this is just how I am or if it's connected to my cptsd and autism.. (I think it is) there is a lot of things that my trauma did to me that made me feel less than human, though I feel like it's more of my body's reaction to it than what happened.. my unavoidable nature to fawn and lurk in the shadows, I dissociate out of my body and my feelings and I do not feel any connection to my body whatsoever. I feel as if I'm burdened with the heaviness of living in a body and life that's not mine. I also have a lot of I guess emotional or mental defects that just makes me feel like I don't really feel qualified as a human either.. I don;t really feel like talking about them
it's not really just that either, I'm also more comfortable being seen as a cat or other animal personally just by my girlfriend.. no this is not something I just tell people.. just like her and my friend. I feel like the only things that bring me comfort are things that distract me from knowing I have this body and live in a place that is not where my brain tells me I am..
I have a lot of weird thoughts about this, and I don't want people to think I am weird, I just want someone to understand and I wonder if anyone else feels the same way

I've felt the same way as you do since I was 6 years old. I was abused by my so-called parents and also inherited my Father's mental illness.
As a result of this I grew up to be a loner and could never relate to other people. I lived in a fantasy world because the real world seemed such a bizarre and frightening place to exist in.
Even now as an adult, I shun human interactions because I cannot read other people and social cues mainly because I have symptoms of aspergers and autism. But more than anything, I feel alienated from from the human race in general because I just don't fit into society and never have done. I am also becoming more misanthropic with the passage of time.
I am happiest when alone and have experienced some very weird phenomena, especially when I used to meditate. I know that there is much more to us than we imagine, and that the human body is not the real me. The body is just a flesh prison for the consciousness.

 

[angel444]

yeah i kind of get this, i have asd aswell. i often feel like im not human at all, infact i kind of feel like im nothing, something that cant even be identified. its like i was put in the completely wrong universe or something, or maybe im just not even meant to exist at this point...,

 

[Winterreise]

You write pretty well. I was looking forward today to re-read your post.