There was once a very compassionate psychiatrist in a clinic I went to. Even though assisted suicide was illegal in my country to that time she argumented a little bit in favor of assisted suicide in my case. She quit the job at this special acute clinic. I know she changed the work space. There is another case of someone innocent who probably kills herself who frequently is in that clinic. I think she worried a lot about these cases (also about mine) I saw it in her face. The way she looked at me. She looked like she did not sleep well for a long while.
Before I left the clinic I was severely suicidal to that time she told me something like: Do you feel comfortable in your skin? And she added some sentences which I can't quote anymore. But it sounded like she wanted to say maybe I just can't reach peace while I am alive. That my development was just destroyed due to child abuse and that this is irreversible. That I just don't fit into life. I am not made for it. I always will be at war while I am alive.
Another staff from that clinic also hinted that he thinks assisted suicide would be right in my case. I liked both a lot. In contrast to the religious staff from that clinic they did not treat me as insane for wanting to die.
I have the following feeling which I expressed a lot. I think my nervous system is not working correctly. My brain is not wired correctly. It is hyperactive and often thinks as if I was in a life-threatning situation. This stems from my abuse which caused that. There is something very wrong with my brain. I would not say that there was not anything which could help me to see the positive in life. If I found a girlfriend maybe I could enjoy that. But I seem to ill for getting one. I might could survive if I had a stable income. Though I seem to be too ill to hold a job.
It is pretty pretty hopeless. And my life demonstrated that myriads of times. It is only a matter of time when I have to kill myself. I know that and I try to be prepared for it.
Before I left the clinic I was severely suicidal to that time she told me something like: Do you feel comfortable in your skin? And she added some sentences which I can't quote anymore. But it sounded like she wanted to say maybe I just can't reach peace while I am alive. That my development was just destroyed due to child abuse and that this is irreversible. That I just don't fit into life. I am not made for it. I always will be at war while I am alive.
Another staff from that clinic also hinted that he thinks assisted suicide would be right in my case. I liked both a lot. In contrast to the religious staff from that clinic they did not treat me as insane for wanting to die.
I have the following feeling which I expressed a lot. I think my nervous system is not working correctly. My brain is not wired correctly. It is hyperactive and often thinks as if I was in a life-threatning situation. This stems from my abuse which caused that. There is something very wrong with my brain. I would not say that there was not anything which could help me to see the positive in life. If I found a girlfriend maybe I could enjoy that. But I seem to ill for getting one. I might could survive if I had a stable income. Though I seem to be too ill to hold a job.
It is pretty pretty hopeless. And my life demonstrated that myriads of times. It is only a matter of time when I have to kill myself. I know that and I try to be prepared for it.
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