Venting i don't even really know WHY i'm suicidal. struggling to get diagnosed.

[endofeverything]

yeah, what the title says. i feel like most people can somewhat describe why they wanna CTB, be it something that happened or some disease they have.

for what it's worth, on the surface, my life is going alright. i have friends, a really easy job, cheap rent, living in a safe and rich 1st world country, average normal childhood, and things to look forward to in my future. i'm smart and can do most things i put my mind to. i'm single only by choice. of course bad things happen to me sometimes, and my health isn't great either, but it's nothing that should make me want to die so badly.

it's so, so exhausting to not really understand what is wrong. the doctors im seeing about it haven't been much help either, their diagnosis always lands on "depression" and nothing else. none of the meds work. whenever i try to explain that my struggles go deeper than simply "not feelin it", they get really angry or dismissive with me, because they think i'm trying to self-diagnose. sometimes, it feels like i'm being accused of lying for attention or something. honestly feels like i'm getting punished for being able to cope on a surface level with my mental issues. i don't *appear* insane, and my life hasn't fallen apart *yet*, so if i simply say how my mind works, they don't believe me.

all i want is an explanation, a word, literally anything that makes me understand myself better, but, tough fuckin luck!! i know deep inside that my depression is a symptom of something else, and not a disease in itself. but i can't seem to get the right help. i'm so tired. i just want out of this fever dream of a life, hit the reset button and try again. and i don't even know why.

i guess this is sorta my introduction? thanks for reading. feeling really stupid to be posting all this.​

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

Suicidality is not always a symptom of a mental illness or disorder, nor is it even an indication that there is anything wrong at all. If you've done a lot of self-reflection and seen "professionals" and are still coming up empty, I would say it's likely that you've arrived at suicidality through logical/philosophical means, ie. the belief that life is not innately valuable or meaningful, and on balance, there's more bad things in life than good things, so it makes sense to kill yourself. Nothing stupid at all about this, it's just not well-understood or even acknowledged outside pro-choice circles.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Why do you believe that your depression is a symptom of something else? I'm asking to be rude, I'm just curious.

 

[niki wonoto]

I'm from Indonesia (42/M). Yeah, I can deeply relate with your post & what you've said. On the surface level, my life might seems good, perhaps even much better than most people. I'm quite privileged, & even spoiled & pampered too much. Especially when I was a lot much younger, at least I've already enjoyed many things that even a lot of people in my country could not even have. I often feel guilty, ashamed, pathetic, when especially my parents keep telling me that I should really be grateful (well, I AM grateful!), & stop complaining etc2.

But, my life is still not perfect either. I don't know. I guess the problem is me myself. Despite I'm being quite talented in music (yes I'm a musician, although sadly a failed & not successful/famous one), but I feel like my personality feels more like a 'curse', rather than a 'blessing/gift', because I seem to have so many flaws. I'm a NEET, which means I basically haven't really worked for a long time, & still live with my parents. Right now, I'm still single at my middle-age (42), even despite I'm physically quite good (a lot of people said), & still privileged enough to drive cars, quite big house, eat good plenty of foods, still living quite comfortably, still quite healthy, studied & traveled overseas, used to be in four relationships, performed in quite okay orchestra, events, stages, etc2. I was diagnosed with Major Depression back in 2020. But I seriously think/feel that my 'mental health' issues/problems are a LOT much more than just only depression, ie: I probably belong to neurodivergent, autism/autistic spectrum, OCD, ADHD, & now even social anxiety. And I also have what's called the existential depression, also for a long time, & sadly it's just getting a lot worse now as I've got much older.

People underestimate & downplayed all my problems, because they think (& see) that my life already looks good. Even all my problems are usually just dismissed. This makes me feel even more like a sad, pathetic loser, & especially I feel like I'm just a waste of space & oxygen that should not exist in this world, yet here I am, still just existing, & just rotting away basically.

Sorry this get too long. But, if you've seen my posts, threads, & comments, you'll know what I mean. See, even I'm making a long-winded comment like this is already not 'normal'. But anyway, I guess I just want to say again that I can relate with your post. Thank you for posting.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

I really relate to this. So frustrating and isolating.

 

[endofeverything]

suicidality through logical/philosophical means, ie. the belief that life is not innately valuable or meaningful, and on balance, there's more bad things in life than good things, so it makes sense to kill yourself.

i see what you mean, and i just spent a long time thinking about this because i've never really asked myself any of these questions, and a lot of my thoughts turned out to be contradicting themselves.... it's been tough trying to write something comprehensive. but, bottom line, i don't think that's what is happening to me. i grew up christian, and when i eventually escaped it, i never felt like i had lost a meaning or a reason to keep going in life. i'm fine with meaninglessness.

i discovered this for myself when i first tried to CTB some years back. it's probably what has carried me this far without being more actively suicidal. i rather just wish i could disappear without a trace, or try life again, or something like that. or at least not be under this incomprehensible mental anguish that makes it really hard to do anything. i want to live, just not like this.

Why do you believe that your depression is a symptom of something else? I'm asking to be rude, I'm just curious.

you ARE asking to be rude? damn, at least you're honest

typo jokes aside, since i'm unable to get a diagnosis for anything else, i can only really call it a hunch. i'm not a professional and i don't trust online self-help quizzes. but i know there's something else that doesn't make sense about how i think and perceive the world. it's wrong, and it causes me to struggle with everything so so much more than any other normal person. i don't have a lack of energy from a depression, i'm just constantly spending so much energy on managing everything else in my life that i'm just exhausted by the end of a day. this is the key difference, in my mind.

 

[976mera]

as I read through your post and reply, I felt more seen than I ever have before. I relate so much to your train of thought and your experiences. sometimes, I wish so hard that I had a reason to feel this way, so that I may have somewhere to direct my frustrations at the very least. but without even that grace, what are we supposed to do? I agree that its frustrating and extremely debilitating to our daily lives, and I'm genuinely sorry that someone like you, who seems to be kind and levelheaded, has to feel this way in silent.
I find that to cope in the meantime, I lose myself in things I love, be it music, my work, or writing. but what else is there to do than distract us from what we really want?

 

[endofeverything]

as I read through your post and reply, I felt more seen than I ever have before. I relate so much to your train of thought and your experiences. sometimes, I wish so hard that I had a reason to feel this way, so that I may have somewhere to direct my frustrations at the very least. but without even that grace, what are we supposed to do? I agree that its frustrating and extremely debilitating to our daily lives, and I'm genuinely sorry that someone like you, who seems to be kind and levelheaded, has to feel this way in silent.
I find that to cope in the meantime, I lose myself in things I love, be it music, my work, or writing. but what else is there to do than distract us from what we really want?

i think it's interesting that you would see me as kind and levelheaded, even though i don't remember writing anything that would suggest so - out of curiosity, what makes you think so?

i see myself as the dead opposite of kind or levelheaded, im super judgemental and opinionated, but i try my hardest not to show that side in real life interactions.