I don't deserve you guys

[BurningLights]

This whole thing has been a shit show, from determined to die to to being so conflicted I feel like I'm splitting in half mentally.
I'm on a nightmare roller coaster and have dragged others along with me,the compassion you guys have has shone through, to the point of it being blinding.
I can only apologise for the heart ache that I'm sure I have caused some of you.
It's not fair on anyone, we are here for a reason, because we are confused, vulnerable and scared among other things. I feel I have taken advantage of this community, and for that I am deeply sorry.
I wake up everyday not knowing who the fuck I'm going to be, or even each minute of the day. These withdrawals are fucking with me, I was panicking last night, I couldn't calm down, I jumped the gun, but then I'm desperate, I'm way out of my depth, I've dug this hole and now I can no longer see the opening.
I'm back on the fence, there's no point making a decision for the future, because I know my mind will change 100 times.
As someone said, there is never going to be a right time to ctb. Is there slightly better times to do it? Probably.
I've fucked my life beyond repair and now I'm fucking up my demise.
What ever I do I'm gonna leave a mess behind, one final massive shit cherry to go on my steaming shit cake.
The chances of actually getting sectioned or whatever for an extended are unknown, chances are, I'll just cause a fucking massive shit storm only to find myself back here again image couple days, in a worse position than I'm already in.
I will carry on with my plan, then when I'm ready, I will have one final moment to think about wether I phone someone.

Do I jump from this burning building or battle the flames? Ill have to wait to see how hot the flames get.
I'm fucking fed up with myself, and I'm sure others are as well. I'm asking myself why the fuck haven't I just done it yet.
Just shut the fuck up and do it already.
If only it was that simple. Oh how I fucking wish.

Right now, I got three films I'm gonna watch, the butterfly effect, enter the void and mystic River, selected from different threads on here. I'll see what happens once I'm done with them. (Trying to get in the right mood to ctb)

Peace love and hugs for now.

 

[TiredHorse]

Our hearts ache for the conflict we see in you, not for anything you have done to harm us.

I would like to point out that you have not fucked up your life so badly that you have alienated the friends you have here. I'm not sure what that counts for in your IRL world, but perhaps it might offer some solace? If you do decide to cross the Styx, there will be many of us on the shore to touch your hand as you board the boat, and to wish you safe passage --and we will none of us be disappointed if you turn back, for the long term or the short.

Burning buildings are pretty damned frightening. If you decide to jump, I understand. I expect we all of us here do. But it also sounds like there are a couple options yet to explore, and it seems sensible to do so. Frightening options, and uncertain options, and difficult options --but maybe better than jumping. Maybe. Sadly, no telling until you try. But if they don't work out... You can always come back and take your place on the precipice with the rest of us.

Peace and courage, BurningLights.

 

[No1SpecL2U]

I've been following your story and I'm sorry yourself and others have been put in the positions we are battling life and the end there of. You are deserving of much better regardless of what you create or the situational barriers instituted by the universe. This community will be here for you...ups...downs...and the in betweens. Expressing your sympathies, apologizing, and sharing your soul tell me you're a genuinely good person to be stuck at the bottom of this hole. I hope you find a will and way to build a ladder to the top of it, or further to free yourself one way or the other.

Keep your head up the best you can, try to maintain focus, and don't forget we're here.

 

[JazzyWolfWhistle]

You don't have to ctb just because you said you would. You post a lot and participate in discussions, so you pay for people's attention, if you can see what I mean.

 

[lv-gras]

This whole thing has been a shit show, from determined to die to to being so conflicted I feel like I'm splitting in half mentally.
I'm on a nightmare roller coaster and have dragged others along with me,the compassion you guys have has shone through, to the point of it being blinding.
I can only apologise for the heart ache that I'm sure I have caused some of you.
It's not fair on anyone, we are here for a reason, because we are confused, vulnerable and scared among other things. I feel I have taken advantage of this community, and for that I am deeply sorry.
I wake up everyday not knowing who the fuck I'm going to be, or even each minute of the day. These withdrawals are fucking with me, I was panicking last night, I couldn't calm down, I jumped the gun, but then I'm desperate, I'm way out of my depth, I've dug this hole and now I can no longer see the opening.
I'm back on the fence, there's no point making a decision for the future, because I know my mind will change 100 times.
As someone said, there is never going to be a right time to ctb. Is there slightly better times to do it? Probably.
I've fucked my life beyond repair and now I'm fucking up my demise.
What ever I do I'm gonna leave a mess behind, one final massive shit cherry to go on my steaming shit cake.
The chances of actually getting sectioned or whatever for an extended are unknown, chances are, I'll just cause a fucking massive shit storm only to find myself back here again image couple days, in a worse position than I'm already in.
I will carry on with my plan, then when I'm ready, I will have one final moment to think about wether I phone someone.

Do I jump from this burning building or battle the flames? Ill have to wait to see how hot the flames get.
I'm fucking fed up with myself, and I'm sure others are as well. I'm asking myself why the fuck haven't I just done it yet.
Just shut the fuck up and do it already.
If only it was that simple. Oh how I fucking wish.

Right now, I got three films I'm gonna watch, the butterfly effect, enter the void and mystic River, selected from different threads on here. I'll see what happens once I'm done with them. (Trying to get in the right mood to ctb)

Peace love and hugs for now.

deserving or not deserving..... shrugs

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

We're all on a rollercoaster here, brother. But the point is, you don't owe us anything. Consistency, following through, nothing. You don't have to justify shit. Be you, be human. We all enjoy having you here, and nobody in their right mind would want to see you ctb. But if you do, we get it.

Regardless, it's fine to change your mind at any point, and failing an attempt is more the norm than the exception. Either way, it helps keep us up to date on your situation, and to better educate ourselves should we want to develop foolproof methods of our own. So it's all useful and welcome information. Love and peace to you.

 

[Eden2k]

You deserve us all and then some x

 

[Lara Francis]

Please know we are here for you.
We choose to ride with you and you have caused no harm whatso ever.
We may not know each other in our daily life' but but are your virtual friends that care.
Maybe just try to take a step back for a breather.
Thinking of you,hugs xx

 

[TAW122]

I'm really sorry to hear about your hurt. The survival instinct is a real bitch and I wished I had a good answer, but I don't. I believe that it is ultimately up to you to decide when is the best time to go through. The preparations and methods will all vary with everyone, but ultimately, it comes to down to either go through with it 100% or don't go at all because half-assing a decision is likely to end up in a failed attempt.

I don't think you've done anything wrong at all and ctb is the hardest decision any individual can make, never minding overcoming the SI (while hiding from others and covertly planning your exit).

 

[Fucking loving it]

I don't think you've taken advantage of the community. I'm split in two as well. Constant struggle. ♡♡♡♡♡

 

[Trashcan]

A lot of us are split in two as well (I know I am) and are on an emotional roller coaster. You didn't do anything wrong and we support you and have your back.

 

[iHeartRockArt]

Don't ever feel like you don't deserve us or this community. You are going through some really tough shit, and I feel really bad for you cause I have been there. Been conflicted, not knowing what to do or where to turn. We support you whichever way you go. CTB is not easy and very emotionally draining. Be gentle with yourself, you deserve the best and to have peace. I'm on your side, big hugs to you.

 

[Angel]

What a lovely guy you are .:)

 

[Miss clefable]

Cuddles

 

[Angel]

Hope you're okay, been on here but only just signed up today xxx

 

[Lara Francis]

Hope you're okay, been on here but only just signed up today xxx

Welcome to our family Angel

 

[Angel]

Thankyou so much think I will like it here!

 

[BurningLights]

Thank you all, you know me, I hate myself and assume everyone else does, that's just me, it is its own battle. I'm not sure which ones worse, losing your emotions or losing control of your emotions....
Anyway, you have all said your goodbyes to me in the past, and I have taken them all to heart, along with everything you guys have said, from the beginning to now.
I am doing things completely differently this time, and that includes the time I spend on here coming up to my (I'll call it) attempt. I hope you understand.
I have nothing but gratitude and respect for you all. So unless I buckle, I shall see you all on the other side.
Peace love and hugs.

 

[TiredHorse]

Just don't feel that if you "buckle" you have to stay away. I, for one, would welcome you back with open arms.

That said, I wish you success in whichever way you define that important concept.

 

[Angel]

Thank you all, you know me, I hate myself and assume everyone else does, that's just me, it is its own battle. I'm not sure which ones worse, losing your emotions or losing control of your emotions....
Anyway, you have all said your goodbyes to me in the past, and I have taken them all to heart, along with everything you guys have said, from the beginning to now.
I am doing things completely differently this time, and that includes the time I spend on here coming up to my (I'll call it) attempt. I hope you understand.
I have nothing but gratitude and respect for you all. So unless I buckle, I shall see you all on the other side.
Peace love and hugs.

How can anyone hate you! You're so sweet , loved reading your post, very interesting and intelligent. Xx

 

[Anyara]

I loved talking to you, you will be missed and welcomed back with open arms if you choose to come back.
I never felt taken advantage off or whatever I always looked forward to your message.
For now once again safe travels friend. God speed and I am sure you will find the peace you deserve.

 

[Lara Francis]

Thank you all, you know me, I hate myself and assume everyone else does, that's just me, it is its own battle. I'm not sure which ones worse, losing your emotions or losing control of your emotions....
Anyway, you have all said your goodbyes to me in the past, and I have taken them all to heart, along with everything you guys have said, from the beginning to now.
I am doing things completely differently this time, and that includes the time I spend on here coming up to my (I'll call it) attempt. I hope you understand.
I have nothing but gratitude and respect for you all. So unless I buckle, I shall see you all on the other side.
Peace love and hugs.

Safe travels xx

 

[Fucking loving it]

Eternal peace ♡♡♡

 

[Mljonzy]

We are all one huge fucked up family here that understand each other and accept each other no matter what. Hope you find that peace if not we can all suffer together.

 

[GhostedToast]

You dont have anything to be sorry for. I feel bad you seem torn, all the times that we've talked a bit you seem like a really nice person. You have become someone who i consider a friend and in a way family. I hope you'll be able to find the peace you're looking for whether it's to ctb or not. Just because you said you were going to doesn't mean you need to. You're an amazing person and you have a good personality. You deserve to be in this community as much as anyone else. This place is where people come where they feel they have no one and we get the oppertunity to talk to amazing people. I'm glad to have had the oppertunity to talk to you. We're all here to help each other whether it's to get better or find eternal peace. You have the strength in you to find what you feel is right and i hope you know in the time what it is.

 

[Fucking loving it]

Peaceful sleep. Goodnight ♡

 

[Crazy I]

Its okay brother, we are all on the same rollercoaster ride, we will bid you goodbye and safe journey when you decide to jump off the ride and also hold you when you decided to change your mind. Dont feel sorry for that you are not forcing anyone here.

 

[1234dave]

I hope he's at peace

 

[checking out]

Hey mate no judgement here. You don't owe us anything. Your life, you decision. I hope you find clarity

 

[1234dave]

Lights sent me a goodbye message last night so I assume he made it.

R.I.P