needleinthehay
circling the drain
- Feb 9, 2023
- 11
I'm not a good friend, and I can't think of a time that I was truly, wholly, a good friend to anybody. I'm flaky, I miss the little things, I'm inconsiderate without even realizing it. I'm never in the right frame of mind to help people when they need it. This is something that has torn me up inside for as long as I can remember. I didn't have friends as a kid because I was weird, I was too distracted dealing with manic psychosis from early onset bipolar disorder (and then the heavy sedation from the meds to "fix" it) to have friends as a teenager, and somehow, some way, I ended up being a part of this big group of friends just by kind of stumbling into it on accident. I hate having this many people in my life for so many reasons, which makes me feel like an even bigger ungrateful piece of shit. It makes it that much harder to ctb, for starters. But because having friends comes with obligations, obligations that grow exponentially the more friends you have, and obligations that I am just not slated to deal with. Never have been.
This is one of the reasons I fucking hate myself and I know for a fact everyone would be better off without me. I've started losing more friends recently, either just by not hanging out with anyone anymore because I don't ever leave the fucking house, or other social gaffes that are beyond my grasp. I had no money for christmas gifts this year because I'm an unemployed leech on my fiancee, which I made sure to mention, and my friends all did a gift exchange and included me anyway, so I showed up empty handed and embarrassed. One of my closest friends told me it made them feel unappreciated and that I was a shit friend. I'm calling off plans again this weekend and I just know they're gonna be pissed off at me for that again but I'm just too disconnected to care at this point. I'm a shit friend, but I'll be out of all of your lives soon enough.
This is one of the reasons I fucking hate myself and I know for a fact everyone would be better off without me. I've started losing more friends recently, either just by not hanging out with anyone anymore because I don't ever leave the fucking house, or other social gaffes that are beyond my grasp. I had no money for christmas gifts this year because I'm an unemployed leech on my fiancee, which I made sure to mention, and my friends all did a gift exchange and included me anyway, so I showed up empty handed and embarrassed. One of my closest friends told me it made them feel unappreciated and that I was a shit friend. I'm calling off plans again this weekend and I just know they're gonna be pissed off at me for that again but I'm just too disconnected to care at this point. I'm a shit friend, but I'll be out of all of your lives soon enough.