I don't belong anywhere anymore. I am sorry

[Water-Lily]

I will keep away from everyone. My actions got me in far worse trouble. I don't have any friends anymore. No amount of apologizing will change anything. I am officially a bad person. I no longer have friends on this site, nor am I allowed to talk to anyone in chat. I am sorry to everyone I hurt.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

If you do not mind this being asked: what have you done that makes you feel as if you do not belong here? Have you been banned from the chat for something?

 

[Water-Lily]

If you do not mind this being asked: what have you done that makes you feel as if you do not belong here? Have you been banned from the chat for something?

I lashed out at someone just giving me good advice. I did it on purpose. I pick fights with people intentionally as a way of coping with my issues. I am aware this is incredibly toxic and even abusive. I realized what I did (again) and spiraled on myself. I wanted to kill myself yesterday to make up for it. As to make things better I banned myself from chat and from creating relationships with people here in general.

 

[Life_and_Death]

I lashed out at someone just giving me good advice. I did it on purpose. I pick fights with people intentionally as a way of coping with my issues. I am aware this is incredibly toxic and even abusive. I realized what I did (again) and spiraled on myself. I wanted to kill myself yesterday to make up for it. As to make things better I banned myself from chat and from creating relationships with people here in general.

i understand that. ill use an unnecessarily harsh tone with my husband and hate myself for it

 

[Water-Lily]

i understand that. ill use an unnecessarily harsh tone with my husband and hate myself for it

It reminds me that I am a monster like my mom who was my abuser. I am just like her and I always told myself that if I became her I would kill myself

 

[Life_and_Death]

It reminds me that I am a monster like my mom who was my abuser. I am just like her and I always told myself that if I became her I would kill myself

you can always recognize your actions and change them. a more minor example, take my cats. i was too cuddly and because of that they wouldnt come around me very much. i couldnt help it, i just wanted to cuddle them so much. but i knew they didnt like it so i knew if i wanted them to come around me i had to stop. it took a little while but i dont do it as much now and theyre around me almost all the time now.

if you change your actions then you can say youre better then your mom, and that would have to feel better then killing yourself

 

[Water-Lily]

you can always recognize your actions and change them. a more minor example, take my cats. i was too cuddly and because of that they wouldnt come around me very much. i couldnt help it, i just wanted to cuddle them so much. but i knew they didnt like it so i knew if i wanted them to come around me i had to stop. it took a little while but i dont do it as much now and theyre around me almost all the time now.

that's super sweet
These days I just see myself as an abuser/monster. I always told myself if I became one that there was no way to change. Once I lose everybody in my actions suicide is next. I can't get "better" from here

 

[Sprite_Geist]

I lashed out at someone just giving me good advice. I did it on purpose. I pick fights with people intentionally as a way of coping with my issues. I am aware this is incredibly toxic and even abusive. I realized what I did (again) and spiraled on myself. I wanted to kill myself yesterday to make up for it. As to make things better I banned myself from chat and from creating relationships with people here in general.

Would it be possible to talk to that person and say sorry, if you feel up to it? They might appreciate it.

Is there a more constructive way that you could use to cope - like a hobby? I do not want to call you toxic or abusive myself, because I was not there and it would not be fair, so I will use quote marks. You say that you are aware of your "toxic" behaviour, but this means that you must have at least some good character within you; since a person who is irredeemably bad would either not care or just not be honest about it. Plus you also said that you have self-banned from the chat to avoid, what you perceive, as hurting others even more - this could suggest that you have empathy.

It reminds me that I am a monster like my mom who was my abuser. I am just like her and I always told myself that if I became her I would kill myself

No. I do not believe that you are a "monster" given the previous part of this post. If you dislike your mothers behaviour then you do not have to be like her. Yes genetic code certainly does influence the development of a human being, but it is not all completely pre-programmed. In fact it is theorised that much of our behaviour is learned and also malleable, so there is the possibility of trying to forge your own personality.

 

[Life_and_Death]

that's super sweet
These days I just see myself as an abuser/monster. I always told myself if I became one that there was no way to change. Once I lose everybody in my actions suicide is next. I can't get "better" from here

you said

As to make things better I banned myself from chat and from creating relationships with people here in general.

that doesnt sound like you lost everyone, that sounds like you pushed everyone away. i can be mean to my husband at times but he understands that its because of my disorders so he tries to not take it too personally. have you tried to change? or instead of going straight to "i have to kill myself" maybe try saying "sorry and that you didnt mean it" if youre honestly doing it because of your disorders and you cant help it, i dont think you should be held over the fire for that. (sorry if im misunderstanding how this works but..) if someone has tourette's youre not going to blame them for that are you?

(i figured it was better to google it and just refer to below)

• Complex vocal tics may include repeating one's own words or phrases, repeating others' words or phrases (called echolalia), or more rarely, using vulgar, obscene, or swear words (called coprolalia).

 

[Water-Lily]

Would it be possible to talk to that person and say sorry, if you feel up to it? They might appreciate it.

Is there a more constructive way that you could use to cope - like a hobby? I do not want to call you toxic or abusive myself, because I was not there and it would not be fair, so I will use quote marks. You say that you are aware of your "toxic" behaviour, but this means that you must have at least some good character within you; since a person who is irredeemably bad would either not care or just not be honest about it. Plus you also said that you have self-banned from the chat to avoid, what you perceive, as hurting others even more - this could suggest that you have empathy.


No. I do not believe that you are a "monster" given the previous part of this post. If you dislike your mothers behaviour then you do not have to be like her. Yes genetic code certainly does influence the development of a human being, but it is not all completely pre-programmed. In fact it is theorised that much of our behaviour is learned and also malleable, so there is the possibility of trying to forge your own personality.

My mom has died 3 yeas ago from cancer. Weird experience seeing her try to be nice after ruining my life for so many years.
As for the apology, I have apologized to them before and I doubt they will accept my apology this time. I am fearful of a "I don't forgive you leave me alone" so I haven't said anything

 

[Sprite_Geist]

My mom has died 3 yeas ago from cancer. Weird experience seeing her try to be nice after ruining my life for so many years.

There are many reasons why her behaviour might have changed - possibly fear or regret? But that is probably not for me to say.

"You see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are." - Edgy Joker quote (The Dark Knight).

 

[Water-Lily]

you said

that doesnt sound like you lost everyone, that sounds like you pushed everyone away. i can be mean to my husband at times but he understands that its because of my disorders so he tries to not take it too personally. have you tried to change? or instead of going straight to "i have to kill myself" maybe try saying "sorry and that you didnt mean it" if youre honestly doing it because of your disorders and you cant help it, i dont think you should be held over the fire for that. (sorry if im misunderstanding how this works but..) if someone has tourette's youre not going to blame them for that are you?

(i figured it was better to google it and just refer to below)

• Complex vocal tics may include repeating one's own words or phrases, repeating others' words or phrases (called echolalia), or more rarely, using vulgar, obscene, or swear words (called coprolalia).

I don't have Tourettes but I am aware of it. If a person, for example, made many verbal ticks it would not make sense to blame them as it is out of their control. In my case, I was aware of what I was doing. Though having BPD is a reason it isn't an excuse. Regardless I know what I was doing and how manipulative I was. Makes me think I have ASPD instead tbh
As for change I am in therapy. But I do nothing with it. But in my case I feel pushing everyone away is better. They won't have to deal with my toxic behavior that I likely won't change

There are many reasons why her behaviour might have changed - possibly fear or regret? But that is probably not for me to say.

"You see, in their last moments, people show you who they really are." - Edgy Joker quote (The Dark Knight).

I believe this. When you are dying and you are forced to face death you realize you can't run. Some still try but at that point everything comes out. I think, in her own messed up way, she cared. But she was too mentally ill/traumatized to be there for me

 

[Life_and_Death]

Though having BPD is a reason it isn't an excuse.

while it might not be an excuse it is a reason, and you cant be expected to fix things over night. just because you recognize it as wrong doesnt mean youre magically going to be able to stop. it takes time. what matters is that you recognize it and each time you correct it, its something i do with a lot of my problems as i have BPD. "i shouldnt have done this" is the first step to not doing it

 

[Water-Lily]

while it might not be an excuse it is a reason, and you cant be expected to fix things over night. just because you recognize it as wrong doesnt mean youre magically going to be able to stop. it takes time. what matters is that you recognize it and each time you correct it, its something i do with a lot of my problems as i have BPD. "i shouldnt have done this" is the first step to not doing it

I always feel so bad when I screw up. I try to be this bad bitch and threaten suicide, and then I feel like a bitch when I am unable to kill myself because im scared. So I feel I am the ultimate coward and fuck up

 

[Life_and_Death]

I always feel so bad when I screw up. I try to be this bad bitch and threaten suicide,

everyone makes mistakes, especially when theres things going on in our brain to make it happen.

and then I feel like a bitch when I am unable to kill myself because im scared. So I feel I am the ultimate coward and fuck up

suicide is a difficult thing for anyone, you shouldnt beat yourself up over that

 

[Water-Lily]

everyone makes mistakes, especially when theres things going on in our brain to make it happen.



suicide is a difficult thing for anyone, you shouldnt beat yourself up over that

Indeed. SI is a bitch. It's like when I feel I am ready to take the plunge I just can't. And then I think of myself as a manipulator and a faker.

Anyways, maybe this is better. I almost feel that not being around people is better for them than it is for me.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Indeed. SI is a bitch. It's like when I feel I am ready to take the plunge I just can't. And then I think of myself as a manipulator and a faker.

Anyways, maybe this is better. I almost feel that not being around people is better for them than it is for me.

knowing and understanding your situation if you ever want to message me ill be your friend and i wont hate you for what you might do. i honestly believe you dont mean to

 

[Water-Lily]

knowing and understanding your situation if you ever want to message me ill be your friend and i wont hate you for what you might do. i honestly believe you dont mean to

Thank you. You are so sweet. I just don't want to hurt someone else

 

[Life_and_Death]

Thank you. You are so sweet. I just don't want to hurt someone else

you wont hurt me, ill understand you wont mean to

 

[Symbiote]

I feel ya, sometimes when I feel a bit irritated, I lash out at people. It's an accident but my mouth and brain works faster than my logic so it comes out mean and aggressive. When I feel like I'm on a "high", I tend to be a bit hostile. So I try to lower my mood down into a low so I stop hurting people. I stopped being "happy" out of choice because I can't control what I might do when I'm in a happy state. From an outside perspective it looks like we're assholes when we didn't mean to be in the first place. It's not our fault that we act like this, it's our illness that takes over our brains and wires it differently for different reactions. I don't think negative of your character because it's not you, that aggressive stance or "bad girl" effect you sometimes do is a product of your illness. It doesn't define who you are.

 

[Dreams and Visions]

When I am stressed about things in my life I also lash out at people. You aren't a bad person.

 

[Water-Lily]

Wow thank you all. you are all so kind. I really don't deserve it though

 

[Life_and_Death]

Wow thank you all. you are all so kind. I really don't deserve it though

one of the things i have in my signature is "- its not the action, its the motive that matters". in this case, while the action is harmful what matters is that you didnt really mean it and for that, from my perspective, it is forgiven

 

[Water-Lily]

one of the things i have in my signature is "- its not the action, its the motive that matters". in this case, while the action is harmful what matters is that you didnt really mean it and for that, from my perspective, it is forgiven

Thank you. Unfortunately I don't think the person I hurt will forgive me

 

[Life_and_Death]

Thank you. Unfortunately I don't think the person I hurt will forgive me

this reminds me of what i told my friend earlier. "people feel the way they are going to feel". judging by your comment earlier, im guessing you havent tried to apologize. is impossible to know what they really feel unless you try. if they dont forgive you, well theyre hurt you cant exactly blame them, however it can still be used as a learning experience to help prevent it in the future

 

[Water-Lily]

this reminds me of what i told my friend earlier. "people feel the way they are going to feel". judging by your comment earlier, im guessing you havent tried to apologize. is impossible to know what they really feel unless you try. if they dont forgive you, well theyre hurt you cant exactly blame them, however it can still be used as a learning experience to help prevent it in the future

Yeah I haven't apologized because I am anticipating a negative response. However that isn't really fair to them isn't it.

 

[Life_and_Death]

However that isn't really fair to them isn't it.

with the possibility that they might understand considering this site is filled with people that have mental disorders and hate themselves, i think you might know the answer to this

 

[Water-Lily]

with the possibility that they might understand considering this site is filled with people that have mental disorders and hate themselves, i think you might know the answer to this

I see. I'll come up with an apology. Actually is it ok if I run it by you first via message? I wanna make sure its not super drawn out or anything before I send it

 

[Life_and_Death]

I see. I'll come up with an apology. Actually is it ok if I run it by you first via message? I wanna make sure its not super drawn out or anything before I send it

yes of course