I don't actually WANT to do this!

[BipolarGuy]

So I don't actually want to end my life at all.

This obviously isn't the direction in which I ever wanted my life to go.

But I feel my life won't get better.
So much potential (even though I say so myself) torn apart by circumstances and depression.

Anyone else feel the same?

I've thought about how I could make a statement with my suicide.
I've decided against taking my life on the grounds of the head office of mental health services, or outside the home of the people involved in my 'care'.

Instead, I've written an email to EVERYONE involved in my mental health care, and copied in members of parliament, the chief operating officer of the mental health trust (very senior manager), an inspector at the Care Quality Commission, and the chief editors of local newspapers to put pressure on people to give me help.

I have hinted in the emails that this won't end well if I don't get help, but I haven't said enough to give them authority to detain me.

They won't be able to wriggle out of this very easily...

 

[LostAllHope7651]

Well don't then ... work hard to make it work, you have the ability to do that if you don't not want to be here x

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

If you value your life, then maybe let's talk about possible paths to success for you. What needs to happen for you to change course? What would bring you hope?

 

[BPD Barbie]

I get this feeling. I think a lot of people you will find also feel the same, but we feel like there are no other options and circumstances have pushed us into a corner. I have bipolar as well as borderline personality disorder so I can sympathise with you when it comes to getting help as so many of us are failed by the system. I was incredibly lucky with my mental health team and I feel grateful after reading some horror stories on here, but sadly, it's not always enough to stop us from doing what we end up doing.

 

[BipolarGuy]

Well don't then ... work hard to make it work, you have the ability to do that if you don't not want to be here x

But my situation won't get better.
It's purely circumstantial.

Emotionally abused as a kid.
Family don't care - they bluntly admit it
Financial and employment issues
Housing issues
People being crap
Mental health

I don't have the fire in me anymore that U used to have.

I guess what I'm saying is that I wish things were different.

 

[falloutcarter13]

It's not for me to judge, and I'm not...but it sounds to me, from this post and others you've made, that you're planning to take your own life at least partially out of spite and anger. Its still your decision, whatever your motivation...I would just want to urge you to wait to make a decision this final when your negative emotions aren't running so high. Again, zero judgment and its your life, your choice. I hope you find what's best for you, whatever that is, my friend

 

[BipolarGuy]

It's not for me to judge, and I'm not...but it sounds to me, from this post and others you've made, that you're planning to take your own life at least partially out of spite and anger. Its still your decision, whatever your motivation...I would just want to urge you to wait to make a decision this final when your negative emotions aren't running so high. Again, zero judgment and its your life, your choice. I hope you find what's best for you, whatever that is, my friend

I wouldn't say spite, but definitely a lot of anger that I've been let down by family and health services.

This isn't why I'd actually take my life though.
My references to family/health services is because I'd kind of want people to know that I'd been failed if things came to that.

If you value your life, then maybe let's talk about possible paths to success for you. What needs to happen for you to change course? What would bring you hope?

Quite a lot actually.

Nothing makes me happy anymore.
I used to have such a fire within me but now I don't.

So I'd need to reignite that somehow!

I'd need to find my life's calling too, and earn decent money.
I'd need to find a place of my own, and some kind of stability in my life.
If need to get help from mental health services too.

 

[LostAllHope7651]

I totally get you honestly I do... I've been there before and it not nice.... but if you don't want to die then change the stuff that's making you feel like you have no option...
housing... go to your council
Job.. sign up to agency's
Mental health.... get your doctor to refer you
Family ... you can't change but you can chose a new one,
Abuse as a kid... that's a hard one I myself went threw something similar and there isn't much you can do about that... apart from not let them win, be a better person and stick fingers up at them letting them know you made something of your life, don't let other dull your sparkly hard at time's I know....
People been crap... people are crap if they don't feel what we feel or understand it's not that there bad ithings a just they don't get it
upy sound like a smart guy... you can make
It believe in yourself and give yourself the chance to prove the idiots wrong xx

 

[falloutcarter13]

Family ... you can't change but you can chose a new one,

Truer words were never spoken. That's basically what we've all done by coming here. Its not limited to the internet, if you need family, get out there and try to find your tribe!

 

[BipolarGuy]

I totally get you honestly I do... I've been there before and it not nice.... but if you don't want to die then change the stuff that's making you feel like you have no option...
housing... go to your council
Job.. sign up to agency's
Mental health.... get your doctor to refer you
Family ... you can't change but you can chose a new one,
Abuse as a kid... that's a hard one I myself went threw something similar and there isn't much you can do about that... apart from not let them win, be a better person and stick fingers up at them letting them know you made something of your life, don't let other dull your sparkly hard at time's I know....
People been crap... people are crap if they don't feel what we feel or understand it's not that there bad ithings a just they don't get it
upy sound like a smart guy... you can make
It believe in yourself and give yourself the chance to prove the idiots wrong xx

I guess that I'm saying that if I end my life (which I plan to) that it will be circumstantial.

Housing - I've gone to the council, no help!

Job - applied for plenty and hear nothing back. I used to run my own small business.

Mental health - I've been referred years ago. Still waiting to access decent help. I have a care coordinator, but there's nothing to coordinate!

True about family!

I feel weird and I don't feel that I've explained it well.

 

[LostAllHope7651]

My family isn't great I've not spoke to my dad for a while or he's not had anything properly to do with us ever.... it's all about making new friends and family...
People move away and start over loads with no one

 

[BipolarGuy]

My family isn't great I've not spoke to my dad for a while or he's not had anything properly to do with us ever.... it's all about making new friends and family...
People move away and start over loads with no one

I phoned the Samaritans today and during the conversation I told the person all the things going on in my life.
She said that she can't believe what I'm dealing with at the moment.

When someone who works/volunteers at a suicide hotline says you've got it tough...you know things 'aint good :(

 

[LostAllHope7651]

Sounds like you spoke to someone who cares about helping people and there job xx

 

[CatabolicSeed]

The option of ctb will always be there, but once you ctb you can't go back. Don'f do it unless you're sure. Demand thd help you deserve.

 

[BipolarGuy]

The option of ctb will always be there, but once you ctb you can't go back. Don'f do it unless you're sure. Demand thd help you deserve.

You are of course correct.

This of course applies to everybody: nobody should end their life unless they have absolutely exhausted every possible avenue and explored every potential solution.

It's ok, I have never intended to end my life before doing exactly that.
Having said this, after 11 years of trying and watching my life fall apart before my eyes, I'm not holding out much hope in all honesty.

 

[BipolarGuy]

Sounds like you spoke to someone who cares about helping people and there job xx

I'm going to speak to them again tomorrow.

They've actually been really slow at making progress.
If the call doesn't go well tomorrow then I'll start to take action...