fuckthis
I've made up my mind.
- Sep 23, 2018
- 263
I spend so much time on here I often forget how I found this site to begin with. It's a great forum that provides the best sort of escapism but as soon as I look at the URL or banner I am instantly reminded of what I intend to do. I can enjoy so much with you guys that I question why I'm suicidal in the first place and I hate it. I hate the constant back and forth inside of my head. It doesn't help at all with my mental health. Sometimes I feel as if I'm going insane, I spend so much time in isolation that I feel really out of touch with society. I literally struggle to keep up with most trends. I'm 16 going on 60 at times. I don't even know how to operate Snapchat, but I once saw a group of 11 year old girls taking selfies with their iPhones. It's bizarre. I didn't even have a phone until I was 13 and even then it was only for emergencies. I'm not necessarily poor, I just live a completely different life to most people my age and it can really get to me when it hits hard.
I've never really fitted in, and I know that's ok. But it really sucks when it feels like it isn't. It really sucks when I've never had any messages from anyone where I've been invited to something, or someone wishing me a happy birthday over text. The worst feeling in the world isn't realizing that you're a loner, it's when people acknowledge that you're a loner and you instantly feel out of place and unusual. It's when things take a turn for me. There were people in school who treated me nicely and acted as if I was friends with them. But they did it out of pity, deep down I knew they all realized I was a loser with no friends. I know they poked fun of me behind closed doors. Some people will never experience that feeling. You don't appreciate something until you've lost it and that's exactly what happened with me and friendships. I had one friend in high school and the teacher once told us to get into pairs of 4. However there only ended up being 2 of us in our 'group'. The teacher then decided too say "can one person from another group please join theirs" and no one volunteered. That was when things clicked for me. When everyone started to laugh. I'm ashamed to admit this. At this moment I was not embarassed, or upset. I was empty. I just stared into space whilst everyone laughed. My friend was embarrassed, but I had experienced it so much at that point that I did not care.
I do not like being suicidal. I've met people who have made their thoughts and problems their personality, where they almost enjoy telling others that they're depressed. By no means does that invalidate how they feel but when you actually get to a stage where you feel as if suicide is the only solution it's a thought process I wouldn't wish on anyone. I find it really hard to describe this feeling, but I feel as if I am slowly killing myself anyways despite the methods I'm researching and attempting. Eventually I feel as if I'll just disintegrate into nothing as it is.
When I wake up from a night of self loathing and I walk over to my bathroom mirror to wipe the crust away from my eyes I see someone who is weak. I see someone who I struggle to look at. I see disappointment and failure. My hair is so long it covers my eyes, my shitty beard makes me look homeless and the idea of that I swim in bacon grease is humorous to me as I look at my acne. 5 years ago i was considered a role model at my old school, now I could be mistaken for a downtown junkie that experiments regularly.
I'm going off onto a tangent again. It's 1 am and I forgot what point I was trying to make. I'm going to bed. This is a terrible vent and it's badly written. I might delete this I don't know, it literally gets no message across..
I've never really fitted in, and I know that's ok. But it really sucks when it feels like it isn't. It really sucks when I've never had any messages from anyone where I've been invited to something, or someone wishing me a happy birthday over text. The worst feeling in the world isn't realizing that you're a loner, it's when people acknowledge that you're a loner and you instantly feel out of place and unusual. It's when things take a turn for me. There were people in school who treated me nicely and acted as if I was friends with them. But they did it out of pity, deep down I knew they all realized I was a loser with no friends. I know they poked fun of me behind closed doors. Some people will never experience that feeling. You don't appreciate something until you've lost it and that's exactly what happened with me and friendships. I had one friend in high school and the teacher once told us to get into pairs of 4. However there only ended up being 2 of us in our 'group'. The teacher then decided too say "can one person from another group please join theirs" and no one volunteered. That was when things clicked for me. When everyone started to laugh. I'm ashamed to admit this. At this moment I was not embarassed, or upset. I was empty. I just stared into space whilst everyone laughed. My friend was embarrassed, but I had experienced it so much at that point that I did not care.
I do not like being suicidal. I've met people who have made their thoughts and problems their personality, where they almost enjoy telling others that they're depressed. By no means does that invalidate how they feel but when you actually get to a stage where you feel as if suicide is the only solution it's a thought process I wouldn't wish on anyone. I find it really hard to describe this feeling, but I feel as if I am slowly killing myself anyways despite the methods I'm researching and attempting. Eventually I feel as if I'll just disintegrate into nothing as it is.
When I wake up from a night of self loathing and I walk over to my bathroom mirror to wipe the crust away from my eyes I see someone who is weak. I see someone who I struggle to look at. I see disappointment and failure. My hair is so long it covers my eyes, my shitty beard makes me look homeless and the idea of that I swim in bacon grease is humorous to me as I look at my acne. 5 years ago i was considered a role model at my old school, now I could be mistaken for a downtown junkie that experiments regularly.
I'm going off onto a tangent again. It's 1 am and I forgot what point I was trying to make. I'm going to bed. This is a terrible vent and it's badly written. I might delete this I don't know, it literally gets no message across..
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