I do not deserve anything

[FloridaWorthless]

I messed up community college due to severe depression twice. Once was an abusive relationship when I was 18/19 and the next was depression. I've had four jobs which are just retail. I want to go back to community college as my parents are both university professors, but they weren't always the best, they were still good parents. I need to prove myself to them. How am I supposed to like myself? I have been to the psych ward eleven times in my life, some voluntarily and some unvoluntarily. Techs told me I was too "pretty" to be suicidal, that doesn't fucking matter. In middle school I was bullied for being ugly as fuck anyway, they told me to kill myself because of it, then in highschool I guess I looked better and as an adult even better but I don't give a fuck.

I have trauma from being sexually assaulted at six, my mom threatening me and my dad with a knife when I was four, my mom constantly threatening suicide since I was three, being choked out in kindergarten by a crazy ass kid, being beaten to shit in middle school, taking care of my mom's emotions whatever etc. On my eighteenth birthday my mom threatened to kill herself with liquor while driving me to the psych unit because I told her I felt bad because she kept threatening suicide (turned out to be a bad UTI), I Baker Acted my own mother. My entire life I was suicidal, but now I want to live. I am a crippling alcoholic as my father and mother were when I was little. I used to want to kill myself more between ages 10 to 20 but now I just want to exist.

I am now 21. I don't deserve anything. My mom said I was narcissistic for most of my life and she's right, but she was also projecting because I was raised as an only child, just like her mom, and she brought up how her mother turned out and that being an only child in my grandmother's case turned her into a narcissist; yet my mother told me how much of a miracle and a blessing to her I was many times.

I'm disgusting. I am a disgusting person.
I edited this shit because I can't sort of my stupid thoughts properly. I am tipsy.
It's mainly depression for me now. I feel like a burden, but I cannot die because I have seen my dad's reaction to me nearly dying. That broke my heart.

I want to live. I don't want to commit suicide but it feels like the only option now.

 

[a_carbon_based_life]

I messed up community college due to severe depression twice. Once was an abusive relationship when I was 18/19 and the next was depression. I've had four jobs which are just retail. I want to go back to community college as my parents are both university professors, but they weren't always the best, they were still good parents. I need to prove myself to them. How am I supposed to like myself? I have been to the psych ward eleven times in my life, some voluntarily and some unvoluntarily. Techs told me I was too "pretty" to be suicidal, that doesn't fucking matter. In middle school I was bullied for being ugly as fuck anyway, they told me to kill myself because of it, then in highschool I guess I looked better and as an adult even better but I don't give a fuck.

I have trauma from being sexually assaulted at six, my mom threatening me and my dad with a knife when I was four, my mom constantly threatening suicide since I was three, being choked out in kindergarten by a crazy ass kid, being beaten to shit in middle school, taking care of my mom's emotions whatever etc. On my eighteenth birthday my mom threatened to kill herself with liquor while driving me to the psych unit because I told her I felt bad because she kept threatening suicide (turned out to be a bad UTI), I Baker Acted my own mother. My entire life I was suicidal, but now I want to live. I am a crippling alcoholic as my father and mother were when I was little. I used to want to kill myself more between ages 10 to 20 but now I just want to exist.

I am now 21. I don't deserve anything. My mom said I was narcissistic for most of my life and she's right, but she was also projecting because I was raised as an only child, just like her mom, and she brought up how her mother turned out and that being an only child in my grandmother's case turned her into a narcissist; yet my mother told me how much of a miracle and a blessing to her I was many times.

I'm disgusting. I am a disgusting person.
I edited this shit because I can't sort of my stupid thoughts properly. I am tipsy.
It's mainly depression for me now. I feel like a burden, but I cannot die because I have seen my dad's reaction to me nearly dying. That broke my heart.

I want to live. I don't want to commit suicide but it feels like the only option now.

You are not a disgusting person. The fact that you can still have so much compassion for your parents after everything they've put you through more than proves that. Though you are as worthy of a person as anyone else regardless of your relationship to either your parents or anyone else. You didn't deserve any of the things that you've listed, none of them are a reflection of you as a person or your worth. Your desire to want to continue living shows just how brave you are. Being depressed doesn't make you a bad person, struggling with community college doesn't make you a bad person. You're only 21, you have so much time to explore and learn. My dad didn't start college until he was 28 and now has a PhD in business, there's no time limit for what you want to accomplish. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone, your existence is enough

 

[Enlighten]

I messed up community college due to severe depression twice. Once was an abusive relationship when I was 18/19 and the next was depression. I've had four jobs which are just retail. I want to go back to community college as my parents are both university professors, but they weren't always the best, they were still good parents. I need to prove myself to them. How am I supposed to like myself? I have been to the psych ward eleven times in my life, some voluntarily and some unvoluntarily. Techs told me I was too "pretty" to be suicidal, that doesn't fucking matter. In middle school I was bullied for being ugly as fuck anyway, they told me to kill myself because of it, then in highschool I guess I looked better and as an adult even better but I don't give a fuck.

I have trauma from being sexually assaulted at six, my mom threatening me and my dad with a knife when I was four, my mom constantly threatening suicide since I was three, being choked out in kindergarten by a crazy ass kid, being beaten to shit in middle school, taking care of my mom's emotions whatever etc. On my eighteenth birthday my mom threatened to kill herself with liquor while driving me to the psych unit because I told her I felt bad because she kept threatening suicide (turned out to be a bad UTI), I Baker Acted my own mother. My entire life I was suicidal, but now I want to live. I am a crippling alcoholic as my father and mother were when I was little. I used to want to kill myself more between ages 10 to 20 but now I just want to exist.

I am now 21. I don't deserve anything. My mom said I was narcissistic for most of my life and she's right, but she was also projecting because I was raised as an only child, just like her mom, and she brought up how her mother turned out and that being an only child in my grandmother's case turned her into a narcissist; yet my mother told me how much of a miracle and a blessing to her I was many times.

I'm disgusting. I am a disgusting person.
I edited this shit because I can't sort of my stupid thoughts properly. I am tipsy.
It's mainly depression for me now. I feel like a burden, but I cannot die because I have seen my dad's reaction to me nearly dying. That broke my heart.

I want to live. I don't want to commit suicide but it feels like the only option now.

I'm proud of you for your mental resilience. Going through all that and still find the courage to go on is admirable.
You are not disgusting and don't need to prove yourself to anyone. Finding your own peace should be your #1 priority.

 

[steppenwolf]

My experience is very similar to yours.

Your biggest problem seems to be your parents, particularly your mother. Instinctively as a child, you expect your parents to love you and be interested to know the brave new little person you are becoming. But parents have struggles of their own, and often see their children as nothing more than a misfortune that fell upon them whilst they were busy getting pissed and screwing, to try to forget about the same struggle that you now find yourself in. It gets easier once you accept that they are never going to love you, no matter how pretty you are or how beautiful a mind you cultivate for yourself. If they don't want you to just get out of their lives so that they can go back to being young and getting pissed and screwing, they just want you to make money for them instead of costing them money. They call it 'being happy'. But it's not happiness, as you plainly have already worked out, it's anything but. You just need to liberate yourself from the tyranny of 'being happy', not end yourself altogether. You've already recognized there's a big problem with your parents, so you're already in the process of becoming free of them. It's like being born. It's traumatic and agonizing and there's lots of blood and snot.

I could tell you all about my own parents, and you would find it all compellingly very relatable. But I don't like to speak ill of them as I fear that would reflect badly on me. So if anyone asks me about my mother, I tell them she died in a traffic accident many years ago and was the sweetest kindest woman who ever lived. But between you and me, the truth is that she is probably alive and well and I have only spoken to her once since she kicked me out of the house, and that was at my grandfather's funeral many years ago when she laughed at me and told me to 'fuck off'. But my father really did die, at the age of 52. I hadn't seen him for many years before then since I was wee, and only found out about it many years later.

Many people lose their parents early on one way or another. It's sad, and more difficult than losing them later on, but everybody who survives does lose them in the end.

The abuse you've suffered is pretty typical. It's not just you. I have some quite sexy scars from the abuses I've suffered. That doesn't mean to say you should have to put up with it though. You learn how to avoid being targeted. It helps to bear in mind that abusive people have always been victims of abuse themselves in the past; that's how they're able to normalize it in their own minds, for them it's just what normal people do.

As for the psychiatrists, well psychiatry as a science is in its Mediæval Dark Ages infancy, and psychs may as well prescribe putting on leeches or getting a puppy, as taking Prozac or anything else. It was invented in the nineteenth century by academic types paid very well by the Austrian Empire, to explain why their subject peoples were unhappy with the Imperialist regime. And why would anyone be unhappy with the Imperialist regime, if they weren't suffering from some sort of psychiatric disorder? Psychiatrists can't help you; there's nothing wrong with you. It's the world we all live in.

Pursuing an academic career is pointless unless you're studying in a field which you're passionate about. You don't go to school to prove anything to anyone, you go to school to do what you love doing, and avoid having to do some shit-sucking job you hate doing, like working in fucking retail, with no one at home - not even a puppy - to light up your life and make that shit-sucking job seem worthwhile. Fuck that. Work will blight your existence, sister. What do you love doing? What is it you love doing that no one else does? What is your thing that you always do no matter what anyone else makes you do? Can you turn that into a degree course? Can you con your parents or your bank or the state into paying for it?