I have met others from similar backgrounds, and they tend to become self sufficient and cold hearted(I mean this in a positive sense). They are strong and respectable people that are not taken advantage of. Someone can try to scare or manipulate them and they just get angry.
Meanwhile I was just rendered very fragile in my early adulthood. My early experiences working customer service I was a very hard worker, but I was unable to handle conflict. I would get shaken up and get overwhelmed just from someone raising their voice at me over something outside my control. I would hate myself for it and wonder why I couldn't handle it when other adults could so easily shrug it off or stand up for themselves. I apologized constantly too and I don't know why I said sorry so much, I just felt sorry everywhere I went. I had a difficult time grocery shopping because I was extremely afraid of cutting someone off or having to fight through a crowd to get where I needed to go.
I was growing frustrated that I just felt fear and anxiety when someone disagreed with me on anything. I would just apologize and shift my opinion or drop the subject out of discomfort with disagreement. I once told myself I needed to speak up like other people and learn to be able to debate like a normal adult, so I challenged this girl on something. I didn't really care about the subject itself, just that we were disagreeing on something. She ended up getting angry and going "Are you fucking retarded" and blowing up at me over chat. I started shaking in my chair and peed my pants and I was 24 years old. I hyper ventilated after peeing myself because this girl was shouting at me. The most bizarre thing is I was in an abusive relationship during this time, and I was more able to tolerate and accept getting beaten until I had a concussion than I was verbal conflict. Physical violence I would just go numb and shut down, verbal conflict would rattle my nerves and make me jumpy and terrified.
Due to my tendency to get overwhelmed over such minor things as someone yelling or getting mad at me, some internet friends tried to diagnose me with BPD. I believed them at the time, but later on I was diagnosed with PTSD instead. I never split on people or put them into black and white categories of saint and evil. My internal identity and values you were always consistent.
Later on when I finally got help with therapy and helpful internet friends, I realized that I wasn't "immature" but that I was just carrying some kind of trauma reaction to conflict. I've grown better able to handle these things and can better handle arguments now. It frustrates me that other people can become ruthless and powerful like a wolf, meanwhile I just became a skittish little mouse that flees everything. My biggest frustration with my personality is being weak but I cannot simply will myself into a powerful personality like theirs, I have to work with what I am.
Meanwhile I was just rendered very fragile in my early adulthood. My early experiences working customer service I was a very hard worker, but I was unable to handle conflict. I would get shaken up and get overwhelmed just from someone raising their voice at me over something outside my control. I would hate myself for it and wonder why I couldn't handle it when other adults could so easily shrug it off or stand up for themselves. I apologized constantly too and I don't know why I said sorry so much, I just felt sorry everywhere I went. I had a difficult time grocery shopping because I was extremely afraid of cutting someone off or having to fight through a crowd to get where I needed to go.
I was growing frustrated that I just felt fear and anxiety when someone disagreed with me on anything. I would just apologize and shift my opinion or drop the subject out of discomfort with disagreement. I once told myself I needed to speak up like other people and learn to be able to debate like a normal adult, so I challenged this girl on something. I didn't really care about the subject itself, just that we were disagreeing on something. She ended up getting angry and going "Are you fucking retarded" and blowing up at me over chat. I started shaking in my chair and peed my pants and I was 24 years old. I hyper ventilated after peeing myself because this girl was shouting at me. The most bizarre thing is I was in an abusive relationship during this time, and I was more able to tolerate and accept getting beaten until I had a concussion than I was verbal conflict. Physical violence I would just go numb and shut down, verbal conflict would rattle my nerves and make me jumpy and terrified.
Due to my tendency to get overwhelmed over such minor things as someone yelling or getting mad at me, some internet friends tried to diagnose me with BPD. I believed them at the time, but later on I was diagnosed with PTSD instead. I never split on people or put them into black and white categories of saint and evil. My internal identity and values you were always consistent.
Later on when I finally got help with therapy and helpful internet friends, I realized that I wasn't "immature" but that I was just carrying some kind of trauma reaction to conflict. I've grown better able to handle these things and can better handle arguments now. It frustrates me that other people can become ruthless and powerful like a wolf, meanwhile I just became a skittish little mouse that flees everything. My biggest frustration with my personality is being weak but I cannot simply will myself into a powerful personality like theirs, I have to work with what I am.
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