I didnt know someone could despise themselves as much as I do now

[hopelessdreams]

I sometimes write in a journal to put my feelings down and have some breathing room in my own brain. Today I wrote an entry, and I wanted to share a passage of it with you guys. Maybe someone can relate. maybe someone can take comfort in my words. feel free to write something of your own in here. I love reading someone else's thoughts. either way, here it is:

"i didnt know someone could despise themselves as much as I do now, but I guess you learn something new everyday right? I can't stand myself; this person that I am. not the person that I've become, because I've always been like this. I just cared to hide it and coped with academic succes and friends. but now the blinders are gone, and im exposed to the world as the person I truly am: bitter, aggressive, disappointing, unlovable, empty. what the fuck do I deserve? nothing. I don't deserve to eat, drink, sleep, love, laugh, learn. even if I did, it would be all for nothing, because ill fuck it up anyway at some point. everything I touch gets burned to the ground."

"I don't deserve the people around me. they're trying to help a person that Is long gone. the facade that I've put up my whole life. the thing is: you can't help a person that doesn't want to be helped. you think I haven't told myself a million times to just suck it up and just live my life? I've tried. I've failed. it doesn't work. something snapped in me. something irreversible that lets me see the whole purpose of life: there's no fucking purpose! if you're good, you'll go to heaven. if you kill yourself you'll rot in hell. well, id rather rot in hell and hear the stories of people who have suffered in their life then be in heaven because I fit in the mold that society and religion wanted me to fit in."

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Trust me, I despise myself so much, the thought of someone being in a romantic relationship with me makes me cringe.... I relate 100%

 

[whatevs]

Do you believe in Heaven and Hell?

 

[hopelessdreams]

Do you believe in Heaven and Hell?

i do. ive been raised in a religious household and have been on and off it the past few months. tho i hate the situation i'm in and don't wish it upon anyone else (why do people deserve this) i still believe there is a afterlife waiting for us. the world didn't simply exist for it to just cease into existence when we die. there's something more to it.

 

[whatevs]

Yeah I have a similar general belief system. But I don't subscribe to traditional notions borrowed from Christianity or whatever it might be when it comes to 'Hell'. To me hell is a state of mind, or of the psyche (soul), not a place. I'm currently in some layer of hell, like everyone in the forum.

I don't think you're gonna pop into a place significantly worse than this if you kill yourself. Just a continuation of your state. You will be where your mind was when you died. And certainly hell isn't eternal, that's just sadistic and impossible.

 

[hopelessdreams]

Yeah I have a similar general belief system. But I don't subscribe to traditional notions borrowed from Christianity or whatever it might be when it comes to 'Hell'. To me hell is a state of mind, or of the psyche (soul), not a place. I'm currently in some layer of hell, like everyone in the forum.

I don't think you're gonna pop into a place significantly worse than this if you kill yourself. Just a continuation of your state. You will be where your mind was when you died. And certainly hell isn't eternal, that's just sadistic and impossible.

i understand what you're describing, it does feel like we're all living some kind of hell right now. everyone had their own truth that they believe in. sure, he'll won't be any worse then the prison that is called my own mind, but i do think it's a place. where everyone will be. if i'd end up there, i'd like to ask hitler what his motives were for wanting to kill all those jews. id like to ask all of the people who catched the bus what their life story is. it gives me some peace of mind, hoping i'll see the people i leave behind while they live their lives. id be quite corpus as to how some people would react to my death.

Trust me, I despise myself so much, the thought of someone being in a romantic relationship with me makes me cringe.... I relate 100%

i relate to your words. even if someone would be willing to spend their time with me, i know i'll fuck it up somehow and they'll feel worse then when they started dating me.

 

[whatevs]

Genocide isn't mysterious, when you do it 'really well' you end up with... The United States of America. Hitler wanted to kill all Jews in Europe or whatever because he thought they stood in the way of the world he wanted. In the USA, they killed all these natives because they stood in their way when it came to creating their country.