Story I didnt know i was ill

[Lifeisbutadream777]

Hello...after 53 years, i realise im super timid and shy..messing up my entire life.i didnt even know social anxiety was a thing until recently....i dont even want to talk on here ..its so bad
i feel im too old for this. Im feeling worse knowing how entrenched my habits are..school and work made non productive..im useless! I have nothing
my dad is 96 with creeping dementia and the last year hes made death seem real to me cos i never knew my grandparents..i dont wanna be that old getting nappies ,hardly walking , and spoonfed.
Ive been on site since november but there seems to be neverending occasions putting off my planning to ctb..xmas ..birthdays etc...
I have my primperan and sn in the cupboard but ive never seriously realised how strong si would be . I tried night night method before and managed to faint first time but woke on the floor it was only a test ....sn seems so much better...my best bet is just to not write notes or acknowledge the pain of others cos i will back out
Hopefully this weekend i will book a hotel and move on

 

[Iloveyouall]

You don't even want to talk on here but you did, you had the strength to do it. You didn't even had any question, you just opened up to us despite your shyness and you did that on your own. You're stronger than you think.
You're 53, it's not that old. You have time before getting bedridden. I can imagine how trap you feel inside your habits but even if you feel worse about them at least you acknowledge them and that's the first step for working on them. Of course the choice is yours but even if you feel you're too old for this, that it's going to be too hard, just know that we are here to help and support you no matter your choice in the end. There may even be other supportive person around you too, IRL I mean. I may sound dull but it's never too late.
I wish you to find peace in life or in death. The choice is only yours, yours only.

 

[faust]

Well, that's very bad you realized that only after so many years...
I didn't know I have something serious before 21 (now I am 22) and I simply missed a chance when it was possible to do something.
My mom was very abusive, so it was unlikely she could take me to psychiatrist. She was thinking I am lazy and everything is because of my looser's character. But things got real. Now it's too late to fix my mental illness.
I would not like to live until I am very old and have lots of health issues, so I clearly understand your position.
Even though we are so different, I wish you a good luck in everything you do!

 

[Lifeisbutadream777]

Thanks for the replies..this place is so sweet with beautiful people....
I feel luckier than many.. im healthy and young looking for my age.. .but mayb pretending to be younger to myself for yrs fooled myself and living with my parents still ..is ridiculous..
I guess im just a coward and lazy ...i hate the thought of anybody suffering or in pain...
And i struggle to live ..its so much work

 

[faust]

Thanks for the replies..this place is so sweet with beautiful people....
I feel luckier than many.. im healthy and young looking for my age.. .but mayb pretending to be younger to myself for yrs fooled myself and living with my parents still ..is ridiculous..
I guess im just a coward and lazy ...i hate the thought of anybody suffering or in pain...
And i struggle to live ..its so much work

Noone is supposed to be hard-working and brave! Just do what you feel is yours.

 

[Dear Flabby]

Hi @Lifeisbutadream777.
Welcome!
Your courage in posting despite your anxiety is admirable. Bravo!
I am close to you in age, and none of my psychological "stuff" was diagnosed until age 51.
The things that cause physical pain have been with me for decades.

My thought is that our generation was raised to hide our fears, never show any weakness, and also that jobs and education would simply fall into our laps. Simply bollocks!

As I age, I see adverts of happy prosperous looking "oldsters" zooming into their golden years. Again, bollocks!

So you are not alone in your fears and in your thoughts how social anxiety has limited you.

You may want to explore the Recovery Forum, as it is good for coping with new diagnoses.

Continue to post your thoughts, questions and concerns as needed. We care about the pain that has sadly brought you here.

Peace and hugs,
Flabs

 

[Lifeisbutadream777]

Thanks flabs and faust... ive only tried ssri tablets twice and i only managed a week they made me feel terrible and the side effects list frightens me..ive always avoided doctors medication ...dont trust it
I have felt better when i had a decent job and was driving but was attracted to drugs cos they gave me the illusion i was normal..but social life is zero i just cant talk....
i always studied conspiracy theories and all the doom and gloom and the lies is quite upsetting... now i dont know whats going on in the world..i dont like the way im distancing myself away from people close...even my family.
funny thing is... ive always been into alternative medicine and health..but now im into the reverse...

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I managed to dodge the system till I was 44 and fell ill then my anxiety sky rocketed.
It's so tough to forge on with anxiety sapping your strength.
Ssris may help but they do have short term and long term metabolic consequences.
Eating well, exercise and being outside can all help more in the long term but it's an uphill struggle and one we always have to face.
I managed to cope by acting. I would fake being okay and copy other people's social behaviour and learned how to fit in. Bloody hard though and fake too. I also drank which is really bad in the long term.
But my most successful strategy was to watch others and fake it until eventually it became second nature. By my forties my social anxiety had gone.
I haven't really got any sage advice just my own experience to compare if that is of any help.