Story I didn’t have any SI during my attempt

[tieiwi]

I've read a bunch of posts on here about other's ctb attempts. That's where I learned what SI was. Survival instinct, it's something that gets in the way of you trying to ctb. It's what I factored in when I was planning my own attempt. I was expecting that at the last moment something in me would cause me to back out. On the night of my attempt, after I ingested my SN, I waited for the SI to kick in. I waited for the panic and regret to 'wake me up'. The realization that I didn't want to die and actually have something to live for.

It never came.

I remember feeling sad, sad that I really had nothing to live for. That there was nothing and no one that could inspire me to live again. That I had truly lost it all. I remember trying to think of people and things that could make my SI kick in. None of it worked.

It was a bittersweet feeling. Knowing that I've accepted death, but that meant I had nothing to live for.

I failed that attempt, obviously. Waking up the next day was the hardest moment of my life. Not physically, but mentally. I had given up on everything, realized that nothing in my life mattered to me. Just to go back to it all like nothing happened. It's hard surviving an attempt. Once you've given up on something, especially as big as life, it's hard committing to it again.

My heart goes out to anyone who has survived an attempt, I know it's not easy. Wishing you all peace.

 

[TheMetalhead]

I've attempted a couple of times, the only time I didn't feel the SI kicking in was my last one, when I stabbed myself a numerous times.

Surviving an attempt never comes easy, at least for me, it always feels like a kick to the guts knowing that you've failed to get peace.

 

[edu0z]

I've read a bunch of posts on here about other's ctb attempts. That's where I learned what SI was. Survival instinct, it's something that gets in the way of you trying to ctb. It's what I factored in when I was planning my own attempt. I was expecting that at the last moment something in me would cause me to back out. On the night of my attempt, after I ingested my SN, I waited for the SI to kick in. I waited for the panic and regret to 'wake me up'. The realization that I didn't want to die and actually have something to live for.

It never came.

I remember feeling sad, sad that I really had nothing to live for. That there was nothing and no one that could inspire me to live again. That I had truly lost it all. I remember trying to think of people and things that could make my SI kick in. None of it worked.

It was a bittersweet feeling. Knowing that I've accepted death, but that meant I had nothing to live for.

I failed that attempt, obviously. Waking up the next day was the hardest moment of my life. Not physically, but mentally. I had given up on everything, realized that nothing in my life mattered to me. Just to go back to it all like nothing happened. It's hard surviving an attempt. Once you've given up on something, especially as big as life, it's hard committing to it again.

My heart goes out to anyone who has survived an attempt, I know it's not easy. Wishing you all peace.

It sounds difficult because of what you are going through. A CTB attempt is to have given up with life. Waking up from that is hard.

I've attempted a couple of times, the only time I didn't feel the SI kicking in was my last one, when I stabbed myself a numerous times.

Surviving an attempt never comes easy, at least for me, it always feels like a kick to the guts knowing that you've failed to get peace.

I hope that one day you can find that peace that you need.

 

[dggtscccvfd]

I've read a bunch of posts on here about other's ctb attempts. That's where I learned what SI was. Survival instinct, it's something that gets in the way of you trying to ctb. It's what I factored in when I was planning my own attempt. I was expecting that at the last moment something in me would cause me to back out. On the night of my attempt, after I ingested my SN, I waited for the SI to kick in. I waited for the panic and regret to 'wake me up'. The realization that I didn't want to die and actually have something to live for.

It never came.

I remember feeling sad, sad that I really had nothing to live for. That there was nothing and no one that could inspire me to live again. That I had truly lost it all. I remember trying to think of people and things that could make my SI kick in. None of it worked.

It was a bittersweet feeling. Knowing that I've accepted death, but that meant I had nothing to live for.

I failed that attempt, obviously. Waking up the next day was the hardest moment of my life. Not physically, but mentally. I had given up on everything, realized that nothing in my life mattered to me. Just to go back to it all like nothing happened. It's hard surviving an attempt. Once you've given up on something, especially as big as life, it's hard committing to it again.

My heart goes out to anyone who has survived an attempt, I know it's not easy. Wishing you all peace.

How much SN did you take? For such a deadly substance, it's surprising that you simply slept it off.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

First of all I'm very sorry you failed your attempt and it's so painful to realize this. I fully understand this. But what do you think went wrong? Only answer if u really want to ofc. I hope all is ok and you recover quickly. All the best!

 

[conarc]

How much SN did you take? For such a deadly substance, it's surprising that you simply slept it off.

Not only surprising but almost impossible if you did not vomit. Lethal dose is 5g, but even 1g might kill.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Not only surprising but almost impossible if you did not vomit. Lethal dose is 5g, but even 1g might kill.

Maybe it was a bad brand, expired, or 6% , or 25 mg SN , or nitrate ?

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really awful going through a failed attempt, it's exactly what I would fear and I hate how there isn't the option to just easily leave this world in peace in a guaranteed way, it's horrible how people even have to suffer from failed suicide attempts in the first place. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[dialogos]

You just slept? No vomiting? No side effects? Are you sure that's pure SN? Could it be curing salt instead? Did you test it with aquarium test strips?

 

[Anon7b8]

Iirc he posted on another thread. In which he explained that he didn't take enough sn. And vomitted for 4 hours before he slept.