Story I didn't choose depression. Depression chose me.

[Bardia]

I've been suffering from depression and suicidal ideation for pretty much my entire adult life, with only a few moments here and there of transient relief. I'm 49, and frankly can't take the pain. People who haven't experienced it really don't know what it's like, obsessing about suicide and mental anguish every day for weeks as they become months, years, decades. The pain is real. The wounds are not visible, but they are all too real, and I have little to no hope that they will ever heal.

I know you all get it; I'm glad I found this forum. Thanks for having me, and for reading this.

I've done everything right to fight this: therapy of various kinds, antidepressants, positive changes to life habits...Superficially, I'm highly successful.

But it always comes back, the rapacious self-hatred. I've just about given up completely. I'm even leaving my job of 16 years because the harm caused by my indifferent, openly suspicious, or even hostile coworkers has become too much to bear. I think I actually have cause to sue for discrimination, but that's another story. People just think I'm being dramatic, a diva, a prima donna. They won't accept the truth. They scorn my truth.

Friends and loved ones? I have some of those. Some of them understand, but they can't help, not really. Peace inside is always fleeting. Depression is a horribly lonely illness.

I don't really want to die, as such. But I feel I must. I need to. The universe does not want me in it.

It's just about time to flick that switch off.

 

[fastFWD]

welcome to the site and thanks for sharing your story; I feel your pain, for decades as well...

i hope u can find a way to defeat/thwart your coworkers' ill intentions :/

depression really is a horrible lonely illness...

 

[foreverbroken28]

Hello. Thank you for sharing..It just goes to show that superficial success and having a life is not always the remedy to Depression..as this superficial society thinks.

I am sad for you that you are going through that at work....16 years is a long time imo...People can be really inconsiderate and crappy at times.

Your last few words there resonate and are put beautifully. ..couldnt have described it better..

 

[Joannf]

I've been suffering from depression and suicidal ideation for pretty much my entire adult life, with only a few moments here and there of transient relief. I'm 49, and frankly can't take the pain. People who haven't experienced it really don't know what it's like, obsessing about suicide and mental anguish every day for weeks as they become months, years, decades. The pain is real. The wounds are not visible, but they are all too real, and I have little to no hope that they will ever heal.

I know you all get it; I'm glad I found this forum. Thanks for having me, and for reading this.

I've done everything right to fight this: therapy of various kinds, antidepressants, positive changes to life habits...Superficially, I'm highly successful.

But it always comes back, the rapacious self-hatred. I've just about given up completely. I'm even leaving my job of 16 years because the harm caused by my indifferent, openly suspicious, or even hostile coworkers has become too much to bear. I think I actually have cause to sue for discrimination, but that's another story. People just think I'm being dramatic, a diva, a prima donna. They won't accept the truth. They scorn my truth.

Friends and loved ones? I have some of those. Some of them understand, but they can't help, not really. Peace inside is always fleeting. Depression is a horribly lonely illness.

I don't really want to die, as such. But I feel I must. I need to. The universe does not want me in it.

It's just about time to flick that switch off.

I can only teach you about reality...
Humans are a bunch of scavenger apes who unsuccessfully leech off the remaining environment, as their psychopaths leech on their societies, deluding themselves that this could be in any way positive and constructive, or least lead to something "better."
Or even les-ser, to make their emotional neural setup send positive signals ("enjoy!").
So basically, we're all in this at the same level - there's just those who successfully manage to delude their limited consciousnesses from the utterly repetitive genetic senselessness of it, via wild primitive construes like "heaven," and there are those who intuitively see it soberly...
BUT CAN'T GET *the thing that i's all basically senseless SET ASIDE FOR 80-ODD YEARS, which makes them feel bad for a good reason.
Chemical level sort of thing. It's really pretty thimple, you can waste years complicating it by philosophizing, thereby fantasizing humanity is an "intelligent species."
That's a very funny joke - but only weird people like me manage to laugh about it repeatedly ;)
It is as is, if you cannot manage to enjoy it more tan 50% of the time, you may want to finish it prematurely.
Absolutely reasonable.