I Didn't Ask For This

[foreverbroken28]

I have mental problems that have caused me too much heartache for way too long. BPD is an incurable disease that eats away at you, slowly through the years without treatment.

If the world were caring enough, proper therapy would not be so expensive. I cannot afford any mental health assistance.

For 2 years, I have had to deal with an intense heartbreak and I cannot go on like this. I attempted to CTB when I was 13 and ever since, I've been told "Things get better."

Ages later, it has become clear to me that sometimes they don't. I am tired, overwhelmed, and my soul has turned completely blue.

People try to make me feel guilty or dumb for my problems but I did not ask for this. I did not ask to have a mental problem that makes me feel too intensely.

I did not ask to have abandonment issues. I didn't ask to be abused as a kid. I didn't ask to be here on this planet.

I am tired of crying in the middle of the night..yet I cannot stop. I can't seem to shake this antagonizing feeling from my heart and I did not ask for it.

didn't ask for any this shit. None of us did. If I could snap my fingers and take myself back to childhood to fix my issues, I would catch myself..but time travel does not exist as of yet. It is only a fairytale for now.

I have no choice but to get away. I am tired. That is all.

 

[blanketyblk]

Hugs, i so sorry you feel like this and i wish i had the words to make you feel better. all i can say is hugs and welcome to the place of broken dreams. this website you find just about everyone in some situations like your going though. so your not alone on here..

Hugs!

 

[cryptic_cynic]

I relate so much to this. I hate how people make me feel like I'm defective and stupid for feeling the way I feel. It's not like I chose that for myself.
Welcome. I'm new here as well.

 

[foreverbroken28]

Hey you guys...I'm not that "new" here..I just recently had my name changed..I joined last month I think with a dumb name...

I hope this didn't come across as a poor me thread because I don't necessarily feel like poor me but the facts are people like "us" who are often looked at as a burden and enemy of society didn't choose to go down this road for nothing.

I used to cry out to God or angels in hopes one would hear and feel my pain and nothing happened for 16 years. 16 years I have waited for help and change. People are full of empty cliches.

Yesterday, I saw a video of the most precious little girl hang herself...and now I realize there is no God or angels and if there are they don't give a rats ass about any of us.


Nothing matters.. We live, we die and the world keeps turning. I am nothing special enough where any being would consider saving me..They didnt save that little girl. So why would they save me? Life is cold and spares nobody's feelings.

I've gone from intensely spiritual to completely believing all of life is a pointless lie.

I know people here can understand and I wish I could help everyone here too..I will be around if anyone needs to vent or whatever.. That is all I will be good for until I am gone. One thing I do enjoy and always have was reading people's stories and being an ear... Thank you all and thank the creators and admins of this forum for understanding this side of life.

 

[ProlongedSentence]

I have mental problems that have caused me too much heartache for way too long. BPD is an incurable disease that eats away at you, slowly through the years without treatment.

If the world were caring enough, proper therapy would not be so expensive. I cannot afford any mental health assistance.

For 2 years, I have had to deal with an intense heartbreak and I cannot go on like this. I attempted to CTB when I was 13 and ever since, I've been told "Things get better."

Ages later, it has become clear to me that sometimes they don't. I am tired, overwhelmed, and my soul has turned completely blue.

People try to make me feel guilty or dumb for my problems but I did not ask for this. I did not ask to have a mental problem that makes me feel too intensely.

I did not ask to have abandonment issues. I didn't ask to be abused as a kid. I didn't ask to be here on this planet.

I am tired of crying in the middle of the night..yet I cannot stop. I can't seem to shake this antagonizing feeling from my heart and I did not ask for it.

didn't ask for any this shit. None of us did. If I could snap my fingers and take myself back to childhood to fix my issues, I would catch myself..but time travel does not exist as of yet. It is only a fairytale for now.

I have no choice but to get away. I am tired. That is all.

I don't know what to say. Can I hug you?
guh That is a horrible hug emoticon. Words can not express. * hugs *

 

[deathenvoy]

Therapy has limited effectiveness for personality disorders. I have been diagnosed by different doctors with different personality disorders (including BPD), I was on 6 months everyday stationary therapy and it hasn't helped much. My colleague also with BPD has suicide attempt 2 months after leaving therapy. All what you can do is just to learn cope with your illness. And I am tired of coping.

 

[throwaway123]

hey man I know exactly how you feel. I can relate with everything you said. To be honest most of it could've been written by me.
My life has always been a total desaster. I understand why people chose to believe in God etc. but to me I've seen enough pointless suffering to know God is not real.

I know what's it like to be forever broken, to have your soul shattered.

What I learned after years of being suicidal is that most things are predetermined and we have actually very little control over our lives. I also believe our deaths are set in stone. Some of us just live on borrowed time.
Life is like a game of cards. You try to do your best with the hand that is dealt to you but sometimes its just not enough. We can try to bluff but at some point we have to reveal our cards and admit defeat. There's no point in continuing with a set of bad cards.

 

[foreverbroken28]

Therapy has limited effectiveness for personality disorders. I have been diagnosed by different doctors with different personality disorders (including BPD), I was on 6 months everyday stationary therapy and it hasn't helped much. My colleague also with BPD has suicide attempt 2 months after leaving therapy. All what you can do is just to learn cope with your illness. And I am tired of coping.

I thought about this too but I do think I could be helped by therapy, maybe. Too bad I can't afford to get it. I'm in the same boat as you. I am tired of coping. It really makes no sense to me anymore.

hey man I know exactly how you feel. I can relate with everything you said. To be honest most of it could've been written by me.
My life has always been a total desaster. I understand why people chose to believe in God etc. but to me I've seen enough pointless suffering to know God is not real.

I know what's it like to be forever broken, to have your soul shattered.

What I learned after years of being suicidal is that most things are predetermined and we have actually very little control over our lives. I also believe our deaths are set in stone. Some of us just live on borrowed time.
Life is like a game of cards. You try to do your best with the hand that is dealt to you but sometimes its just not enough. We can try to bluff but at some point we have to reveal our cards and admit defeat. There's no point in continuing with a set of bad cards.

I actually share your viewpoints about predetermination. I used to have dreams as a small child that I was jumping from a balcony...over and over again... the dream would come... People look at suicide as something to groan at but they don't realize that all humans must die. Whether it is a disease that kills you, another human, a car wreck, plane crash or whatever.. You MUST die. Some of us may have been the ones put in place to take ourselves out. I don't know.. It's just a theory in my mind that comes and goes..

I agree with you re: bad set of cards. People expect you to stay at the poker table when you've got an Ace High while everyone else has a 5 of a Kind. It's like a slow and painful way to get to where we are all going anyways. What's the point? My feelings and my logic are in harmony about death.

 

[ad3a]

I can relate, I never know how to explain BPD to people. I feel like my brain is trapped in a constant emotional pinball game.

 

[HGL91]

Hey you guys...I'm not that "new" here..I just recently had my name changed..I joined last month I think with a dumb name...

I hope this didn't come across as a poor me thread because I don't necessarily feel like poor me but the facts are people like "us" who are often looked at as a burden and enemy of society didn't choose to go down this road for nothing.

I used to cry out to God or angels in hopes one would hear and feel my pain and nothing happened for 16 years. 16 years I have waited for help and change. People are full of empty cliches.

Yesterday, I saw a video of the most precious little girl hang herself...and now I realize there is no God or angels and if there are they don't give a rats ass about any of us.


Nothing matters.. We live, we die and the world keeps turning. I am nothing special enough where any being would consider saving me..They didnt save that little girl. So why would they save me? Life is cold and spares nobody's feelings.

I've gone from intensely spiritual to completely believing all of life is a pointless lie.

I know people here can understand and I wish I could help everyone here too..I will be around if anyone needs to vent or whatever.. That is all I will be good for until I am gone. One thing I do enjoy and always have was reading people's stories and being an ear... Thank you all and thank the creators and admins of this forum for understanding this side of life.

I know that feeling during the transition of very spiritual to believing life is a pointless lie. It is crushing. I went from thinking that I was protected to realizing how dangerous the world is when I was 18.

Then like a lot of adults, I decided to just continue to brainwash myself into believing in spirituality and spending time with other people that did, so I could at least live a superficially happy life. But honestly, even that can take a toll on your mental and physical health because you know you're living a lie.

 

[foreverbroken28]

I know that feeling during the transition of very spiritual to believing life is a pointless lie. It is crushing. I went from thinking that I was protected to realizing how dangerous the world is when I was 18.

Then like a lot of adults, I decided to just continue to brainwash myself into believing in spirituality and spending time with other people that did, so I could at least live a superficially happy life. But honestly, even that can take a toll on your mental and physical health because you know you're living a lie.

Exactly. I am not totally released from my spiritual perception but I at least don't believe in God. I wish I had realized what you did at your age.