Venting I did the right thing, but at what cost? TW: SA

[halleyscomet]

Hello, sorry I've been absent for a while, I decided to go offline for a bit.

I decided to focus on not really recovery, but trying to surround myself with better media and such. But alas things have gotten much worse for me, so here I am.

My rapist texted me last night. You may have previously seen my posts about him, yeah that guy.

He felt guilty about what he did, and begged for my forgiveness. I decided ultimately not to report him to the police, he's young and I don't want to ruin his life. I pushed my pain aside to comfort him, and give him my blessing to live a full and rich life. He victimised himself, he believes that because he committed the act, the guilt of having done so is worse then the trauma of having it inflicted on you. I comforted him, I told him everything is going to be okay. I gave myself half of the blame to lighten his load, to make him feel better about it all.

He begged me not to ctb out of nowhere, I'm not entirely sure why he believed I was going to ctb. I told him I'll do what I want to. He said he won't be able to live with the guilt of my passing, I don't care.

I don't think he'll hurt another girl, I made it very clear if he even thinks about it I'll put him behind bars. I don't think pressing charges will bring about any sort of justice. My life has been ruined for a very long time, I've been abused a lot, this isn't a new thing for me. But he's had a good life, he hurt me sure, but I don't want to drag him down with me. He deserves a chance, whether I like it or not.

But now I feel trapped, I feel like if I ctb I will ruin his life, much more then he did mine. I have someone else, who really cares about me, I will ruin their life also.

I've put so much effort into loving people the best I can, but now it's left me trapped. I'm so deeply miserable, I don't want to live like this anymore. But what choice do I have now? If I die I'm going to ruin so many lives. I feel so selfish and guilty. I feel like my existence causes so much pain to others, because I know it will end in ctb.

I just want out so badly, but I'm so conflicted. I'd never want to cause pain to others, but the pain I shoulder is just too much to bare. I can't tell anyone how much I'm suffering, because it'll hurt them. It's all just too much for me to carry.

I just can't live like this anymore.

 

[SelfKill]

I don't know what to say... but I want to let you know that you're heard.

 

[zjay-0v3rit!]

The way I come to see it is that there's are billions of people in this world. When I CTB it will just be a tiny drop in a giant ocean. I have no control over how other people feel.
Sidenote sorry about your SA, I've had my fair share of that in life. They already had control, dont let them continue to control you mentally. Fuck their feelings, that's just my opinion of course.
Wishing you peace

 

[PinballWizard39]

Hello, sorry I've been absent for a while, I decided to go offline for a bit.

I decided to focus on not really recovery, but trying to surround myself with better media and such. But alas things have gotten much worse for me, so here I am.

My rapist texted me last night. You may have previously seen my posts about him, yeah that guy.

He felt guilty about what he did, and begged for my forgiveness. I decided ultimately not to report him to the police, he's young and I don't want to ruin his life. I pushed my pain aside to comfort him, and give him my blessing to live a full and rich life. He victimised himself, he believes that because he committed the act, the guilt of having done so is worse then the trauma of having it inflicted on you. I comforted him, I told him everything is going to be okay. I gave myself half of the blame to lighten his load, to make him feel better about it all.

He begged me not to ctb out of nowhere, I'm not entirely sure why he believed I was going to ctb. I told him I'll do what I want to. He said he won't be able to live with the guilt of my passing, I don't care.

I don't think he'll hurt another girl, I made it very clear if he even thinks about it I'll put him behind bars. I don't think pressing charges will bring about any sort of justice. My life has been ruined for a very long time, I've been abused a lot, this isn't a new thing for me. But he's had a good life, he hurt me sure, but I don't want to drag him down with me. He deserves a chance, whether I like it or not.

But now I feel trapped, I feel like if I ctb I will ruin his life, much more then he did mine. I have someone else, who really cares about me, I will ruin their life also.

I've put so much effort into loving people the best I can, but now it's left me trapped. I'm so deeply miserable, I don't want to live like this anymore. But what choice do I have now? If I die I'm going to ruin so many lives. I feel so selfish and guilty. I feel like my existence causes so much pain to others, because I know it will end in ctb.

I just want out so badly, but I'm so conflicted. I'd never want to cause pain to others, but the pain I shoulder is just too much to bare. I can't tell anyone how much I'm suffering, because it'll hurt them. It's all just too much for me to carry.

I just can't live like this anymore.

This sounds so similar to my situation. I was in a relationship with my ex for 9 years (we split 2 years ago now). He was an alcoholic and he would psychologically abuse me as well as r*pe me repeatedly (I'm not able to freely say that word in relation to myself yet). He would always apologise but then twist it around on me, saying 'don't you think I must have been in a really bad place to have done that in the beginning?' or 'But you are so beautiful'. I'm a very empathic person so I always fell into the trap of 'If I leave, he'll drink himself to death and it'll be my fault'. Now I have left I still find myself worrying about how he's doing despite the fact he's fucked me up pretty bad. He thinks that saying sorry will make up for 9 years of abuse and 9 years of my life I'll never get back.

I also worry, like you, how he would cope if I ctb, like will he drink himself to death? He has kids that need him - would they blame me? It's so complicated.

I'm so sorry that you have had to endure all of this. I don't have any great and wonderful answers but I wanted you to know that I can relate a lot to your situation and that you aren't alone.

 

[MM's the name]

Sorry to hear that, life is full of troubles some like you have it worse, but keep going some of us care