Story I did something risky today, but it paid off

[CuddleHug]

I think I may have finally found a good psychologist. Well, I've seen her for 5 or 6 months now, but today was the first time I opened up about my suicidal ideation. We briefly touched on it a couple months ago, but I assured her I wasn't actively planning and so she didn't pressure me. That brief interaction gave me courage to tell her more today.

So basically what happened was that I decided a few days ago to risk getting hospitalized by telling her how much I want to die. I'd hate for it to happen, but I was prepared for that outcome. So when our session today started, I told her how I'm struggling to find motivation to do anything because I have no will to live at all. Like, why should I stop self-harming if I don't even see the point in living?

She took it surprisingly well. Obviously she was concerned, but not alarmed at all what I could tell. Instead, she tried to get me to elaborate on why I don't want to live. What makes me want to die? I don't have any clear answers yet, but we had a good session just talking about that.

Then towards the end, she asked the dreaded question; are you planning on doing something dangerous now? This is where I made the big gamble. I told her "no, no dates or anything set, but if we're strictly talking about plans, I have most of that ready for when I do want to go".

I knew from before that she wants to understand, not judge, and that she really cares about her patients. What I did not know was that she also trusts her patients. Her reaction was more or less "okay, I think I can see what you mean, but can you at least promise me you won't do anything until (our session) next week?"

And that was it! She will check in on me through email on Friday and then Monday (it's Wednesday today for anyone reading this in the future), and I had to promise to contact her if I get "worse". No forced hold or anything (don't really think we have that here, but forced hospitalization is possible).

We chatted a bit more about hospitalization and her stance was basically that she'd only bring that up if she was very concerned about immediate danger. She also knows it can be detrimental to recovery if not done right, so it's a last resort for her. Well, she did ask if I wanted to and I gave a BIG NO of course!

I'm so happy I have her. After years of not getting any help, and having bad experiences with mental health professionals, I finally have someone who listens and tries to understand me. Perhaps this is actually a chance to recover. Not sure if I'm ready, but I'll try.

If you read this far, hugs~~~

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I really hope this works out for you.

 

[alphabetsoup]

It makes such a huge difference to finally find the right sort of help, I'm so glad that you feel she's a good match for you- fingers crossed this is it! You deserve to feel better, it's wonderful to get to that point when you've suffered so long, I'm rooting for you ♡

 

[CuddleHug]

Thanks for the love, everyone

Now that I've had a day to process it, I'm not feeling as confident in my choice any more. What if I just gave up my chance to CTB unhindered? It'll be harder to go through with it in the near future now.

But then again, I would never have said anything if I didn't want to give therapy another chance. If the only way to get proper help is to stop keeping all my thoughts locked inside me, then I have to give it a real try. CTB should be the absolute last resort, shouldn't it?

 

[alphabetsoup]

Thanks for the love, everyone

Now that I've had a day to process it, I'm not feeling as confident in my choice any more. What if I just gave up my chance to CTB unhindered? It'll be harder to go through with it in the near future now.

But then again, I would never have said anything if I didn't want to give therapy another chance. If the only way to get proper help is to stop keeping all my thoughts locked inside me, then I have to give it a real try. CTB should be the absolute last resort, shouldn't it?

I've been where you are, and it is fucking terrifying to give up your method. You may feel angry or resentful if you do so, but committing to the recovery process and giving it up can be worth it in the long run. You've read my post, so you know the stress I'm dealing with rn, but it doesn't mean that I don't remember how recovery feels. If I felt there was a way out for me, I'd still be in recovery now, and I'd give anything to feel that good again. If you feel that it's possible for you to get through this, I support you 100% all the way, because when things do get better, it is amazing. I really, really hope you get there! ♡

 

[enjoy]

sending love and good vibes your way. hope the psychologist works out.

 

[CuddleHug]

I'm starting to wonder why I even told her. What was I expecting? She checked in on me again today (through email since I get anxiety from phone calls) and I told her I'm feeling worse. Because it's true, this weekend has been absolute shit and today is no exception. And her response was pretty much "sorry to hear that, let's talk about it on our next session". I made sure to add "no active plans" to avoid getting sent to the psych ward.

But here's the thing. What if part of me wants to get hospitalized? Because why else would I tell her I'm currently suicidal at all? Why else would I say I feel even worse this week? I'm so fucking confused. If you asked me, I'd say that I absolutely do not want to get hospitalized. And then I'm sitting here, getting upset when she reacts calmly when I say I'm feeling worse. Whyyy?

Gaaah, what the hell is wrong with me? I hate this. It's so much easier suffering alone. I'm used to that, I can handle it. Therapy, not so much. Maybe I should just stop going...

 

[JustLosingMyself]

I wouldn't worry about it.
I did the same thing with my current therapist. Described the method, told her I carry it with me everywhere I go, even told her of 2 failed attempts in the previous week and how I'd improve on the try; saying "next time better, just not right now". It was left at that. Yes she's concerned, but will not do anything unless there's a clear present risk.

 

[CuddleHug]

I know no one probably reads this or even cares at all, but it's somehow therapeutic to write about it, so I'll continue for now.

Today's session was actually great. Probably the best one I've had so far. Now that the cat is out of the bag, we can work on the stuff that really matters. It's hard, but so very important. Most of the time I don't know what I'm feeling, but she guides me and somehow pulls out all sorts of things from inside me. I wish I had a therapist like her 15 years ago...

Anyway, at the end of the session, we talked a little bit about hospitalization again. She said that she can't make the decision for me, and that she won't force me against my will. That's new, huh?! As long as I don't explicitly state that I'm going to (seriously) harm myself, she won't do anything.

Honestly, I kinda went in with the expectation that she'd section me. Even packed some stuff that might be useful in my purse. Part of me wanted to tell her I want to be hospitalized, but I couldn't bring myself to do it.

On my way home, I regretted not telling her, and felt kind of... disappointed? Like she doesn't care if I CTB or not. I know that's not true, and she probably let me go because she cares, but still. I feel invisible, unimportant, like my problems are not big enough. But then again, I'm an adult and I should make my own decisions.

Besides, it's not like I can't get myself to hospital on my own if I need to. She even said I can let her know through email and she'll ask if a bed is open so I can go directly to the psych ward. Of course, now that I'm home again, I prefer to stay here. I know hospitalization would be good for me, but that doesn't mean I want it. Ugh, never thought I'd have this kind of struggle...

 

[JustLosingMyself]

Happy it's working out for you.
As she said, unless you state that you'll try to ctb, with a clear plan and timeline she has no reason to section you.

Hospital is a bit of hit and miss. I don't know what your diagnosis and difficulties are. Hospital can give you breathing space by providing a sheltered environment allowing you to sort out some immediate issues. It also allows for testing out a medicine regimen under supervision.
It will not sort your problems for you.

1 had 1 good hospitalization and 3 poor ones. A lot is dependent on what is available at the hospital beside a bed.

Godspeed

 

[CuddleHug]

It also allows for testing out a medicine regimen under supervision.

This is actually the main reason I want to go there. I've had the same medicines for almost a year now and they don't work at all (except lithium, which keeps me stable enough). Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how many times I ask to see a (saying "a", because "my" doesn't apply, I've never seen one more than once, ever) psychiatrist. They never listen. At this stage, I'm feeling so fucked up it almost seems like a good solution to go to hospital and get it sorted there.

My previous 3 stays have all been okay. Good in their own way, with some bad experiences as well. It really depends on the personnel, because some really care and others don't give a fuck at all. If I do end up getting hospitalized again, at least I have my "home" ward as they call it. I know the staff there from my previous stays and that's always a big relief.

 

[TheGoodGuy]

That sounds amazing it must feel so good to finally get that off your chest I wish I could do the same after years of botleling it up, dress and act normal with a fake smile on my face (my mask of illusion), so to finally come clean and tell a real person about instead of venting in a journal, the internet or a vlog it must feel so good I wish I could do the same.