I deserve to die

[Life_and_Death]

I have 2 people that would do anything in the world for me. And I've fucked up everything

 

[maru.]

I have 2 people that would do anything in the world for me. And I've fucked up everything

You don't have to answer this if it makes you uncomfortable, but please, if you can, could you give us more details of what exactly happened?

 

[Life_and_Death]

You don't have to answer this if it makes you uncomfortable, but please, if you can, could you give us more details of what exactly happened?

Well we already know the story with my friend. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-fed-up.42649/
And I've been trying to break up with my husband for the past month and it sink in yesterday that I'm serious and now I feel like shit. I can't do anything right.

 

[maru.]

Well we already know the story with my friend. https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-fed-up.42649/
And I've been trying to break up with my husband for the past month and it sink in yesterday that I'm serious and now I feel like shit. I can't do anything right.

Ok, just so i can position myself, is the husband the same guy you were trying to get back together with in the last post or is he another person entirely who wasn't mentioned in the last post at all?

I need to know this before i can say anything to help.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Ok, just so i can position myself, is the husband the same guy you were trying to get back together with in the last post or is he another person entirely who wasn't mentioned in the last post at all?

I need to know this before i can say anything to help.

These are 2 different people. My friend is actually my ex I ended up fucking over time and time again so I broke up with him. Got married a few years later then reconnected with him. (and clearly I'm still fucking up)

 

[maru.]

These are 2 different people. My friend is actually my ex I ended up fucking over time and time again so I broke up with him. Got married a few years later then reconnected with him. (and clearly I'm still fucking up)

I understand, well, you've mentioned having 2 people that would do anything for you and that you've fucked up, i imagine you're talking about both the ex you're reconnecting with and your husband.

About this idea that you've fucked up, could you elaborate exactly why you think that? Like, in what ways exactly do you think you're messing things up?
I feel like it's important to have a grasp on exactly how you feel about these 2 guys and your relationship with both of them.

 

[Life_and_Death]

right now they are both hurting and its all my fault.....if only they never knew me

 

[maru.]

right now they are both hurting and its all my fault.....if only they never knew me

It's ok, please don't be harsh on yourself, you don't deserve any more pain than you already feel, *hugs*

So, i mean, it's important to look at the available options.
If you like both of them and don't want to hurt either of them, there are two things you can do.
One is to try an open relationship if they both accept it, there's a big chance one of them doesn't like the idea, or both, but if both accept it, it could be a possibility.
The other option, i case they don't agree to an open relationship, is to not be with any of them.
Like, if you don't want to hurt either of them by choosing the other, maybe just break up with both, but in a friendly way, and continue being friends.
You know, explaining to both that you don't want to hurt either of them, so it's best for you to just not choose, but you want to continue having them in your life.
So just have the marriage and dating both become friendships.

The other options consists of choosing one over the other.
That depends on who you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with, and that is entirely up to you.
After deciding if you have a preference for one over the other, give it some time to think, don't act on impulse.
If even after some time thinking, you're sure there's one you want to be with over the other, go for him.

Just remember i'm totally dumb and have no experience with relationships, these advices are just me trying my best.

 

[Life_and_Death]

@maru. im thinking ill pick neither. the last thing they need in their life is someone like me.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

Just remember i'm totally dumb and have no experience with relationships, these advices are just me trying my best.

In my experience, both giving and receiving advice, some of the best advice can come from someone who has little to no experience, because they can see things from the outside more clearly than someone who is in it or has been in it.

 

[maru.]

@maru. im thinking ill pick neither. the last thing they need in their life is someone like me.

It's up to you, and whatever you'll choose, i think it's respectable in it's own way.
This choice specifically i think it's pretty selfless on your behalf, and i admire that very much, but i'm also afraid it's a bit toxic for you, because it's too filled with guilt.
Like, it seems like you believe you should step out of their lives completely, but i still think they need you in their lives in a way.
If they dated you and even married you, it's because they do like having you around, that by itself doesn't have to change.
You can still be with both of them, perhaps not as lovers, but as good friends.
Don't distance yourself completely from people in your life due to guilt, especially if they still want you around regardless of the things you did that you feel guilty for.
Please, be transparent with them, talk about these feelings of conflict in your head and in your heart.
Don't hurt yourself due to what you think they feel, talk to them and find out what's really in their hearts.

In my experience, both giving and receiving advice, some of the best advice can come from someone who has little to no experience, because they can see things from the outside more clearly than someone who is in it or has been in it.

This... makes sense tbh, i never thought about it like that, makes me feel a bit better about the advice i try to give, thank you :3

 

[Life_and_Death]

Don't hurt yourself due to what you think they feel, talk to them and find out what's really in their hearts.

i have been talking to them. thats why i feel guilty :(

 

[maru.]

i have been talking to them. thats why i feel guilty :(

I understand.
What and how exactly are both of them responding?

 

[Life_and_Death]

well i wronged my friend worse then i ever have before so hes crying and my husband loves me and doesnt want me to go so hes crying. how can i not feel guilty

 

[Deleted member 17949]

I understand how you feel. In my eyes I definitely deserve to die since I don't care about life and willingly let go of good opportunities out of pure laziness while some people would do anything to get some of the things I have. I'm breaking a perfectly good life and really don't feel like I deserve any of what I have. With that said, I do think that we're harsher on ourselves than most other people would ever be on us. When it's your own emotions causing the problems it feels like a failure on your part and it can be very frustrating, but in reality lots of people screw up because of the way they feel. It's not terrible to fail or throw away good chances, it's just part of being an imperfect human.

 

[maru.]

well i wronged my friend worse then i ever have before so hes crying and my husband loves me and doesnt want me to go so hes crying. how can i not feel guilty

Jeez, that's really painful, from the bottom of my heart, i'm so sorry that you're going through this.
Did you mention the idea of an open relationship with either of them?
Still, it seems like both would prefer if you chose them over the other, so i don't know what to do, it seems like you love them equally.
If i were to choose, personally, i'd stick with the husband, since regardless of who you choose over the other, it will hurt, considering you're already married to him, and going through a divorce can be a pain, i'd stick with him, unless you're more in love with the other guy currently, i'd go for the husband if the love is equal.
But honestly, i wouldn't know exactly what to do, it seems like a situation where there is no easy answer where no one feels hurt, i'm so sorry.

I understand how you feel. In my eyes I definitely deserve to die since I don't care about life and willingly let go of good opportunities out of pure laziness while some people would do anything to get some of the things I have. I'm breaking a perfectly good life and really don't feel like I deserve any of what I have. With that said, I do think that we're harsher on ourselves than most other people would ever be on us. When it's your own emotions causing the problems it feels like a failure on your part and it can be very frustrating, but in reality lots of people screw up because of the way they feel. It's not terrible to fail or throw away good chances, it's just part of being an imperfect human.

This doesn't contribute much to the conversation, but i feel a need to say it, i identify so much with everything you've just said, it was like looking in a mirror.
About the ideas you've discussed, i think it was all perfectly put, thank you for writing this.

 

[Life_and_Death]

dont feel sorry for me. i could have avoided this. its my own fault.
i dont love my husband anymore, but i still really care about him. and they both hate each other a lot. i have a feeling an open relationship is out of the question. plus i talked about it with both of them. not as a open relationship with them but.....well just go back to my compulsive cheating post

 

[maru.]

dont feel sorry for me. i could have avoided this. its my own fault.
i dont love my husband anymore, but i still really care about him. and they both hate each other a lot. i have a feeling an open relationship is out of the question. plus i talked about it with both of them. not as a open relationship with them but.....well just go back to my compulsive cheating post

I understand.
I feel like the best option here would be to either divorce your husband and go for your ex, if you love him.
Or don't go for either of them, but stay friends, keep in touch with both of them, just not in a romantic way.
What do you think?

 

[Desideratum]

You need to cut one out of your life forever and stay with one. I was in a similar situation many years ago and fucked up everything. I lost the person I loved the most because of careless mistakes.