Venting i deserve to die

[nails]

what's even the point? everything i do is useless or it jsut harms me even further. i think that people like me just deserve tto die. completely useless, providing nothing. i'm not loved or cared for by anyone. i don't bring anything positive to anyone's life. i doubt i ever meant anything to anyone. i'm too unlikable and too retarded to establish a lasting connection with anyone. if i died now, no one would feel anything. everyone will see it coming, but no one will care.
everyone just tells me to reach out and find the right communities. what do you think i've been doing? all of my past friendships were initiated by me, and they all ended with the other party losing interest and/or just leaving while i still loved them deeply. why should i continue that cycle? why should i keep doing these things when the results remain the same every single time? there's something wrong with me that i can't even pinpoint, byt apparently everyone else feels it. i'll be friendless forever, people just simply dont want to be close woth me. even my family will choose random people over me.
i've tried for so long to fix myself and my situations, and i always end up worse. i'm not just talking about my social life. literally every aspect of my life has been made worse and worse with my attempts to make life more tolerable. so what do i do then? just sitting around and waiting for things to improve is dumb. at that point, dying is the only right answer. i just don't deserve to exist if i'm only capable of dragging others down and making myself worse.

 

[deadgirlwalking]

I understand exactly how you feel, I feel very similarly. It's hard to give advice when you're in the same place but just know you're at the very least not alone in that thought process. Im reconsidering ctb after doing well for a while. I've noticed a lot of people in my life are like the people you describe. One of the only people who would have ever even remotely understood me was my cousin but he passed due to a brutal ctb death and I honestly just want to join him and not be here anymore