Apologies in advanced. This will probably be cringey. It's just my thoughts at the moment and I have no one to talk to about it.
I'm here laying in my bed after working. I'm alone. I went to a bar for the first time yesterday. It was fun. I was surrounded by people but I still felt lonely. I've been trying to distract myself with hanging out with my friends more and more. Problem is I truly believe almost none of them actually give af about me so no matter who, I always feel like I'm disposable to them and as soon as they don't need me they'll discard me. I know for a fact that I'm no one's first option. I'm always the side person. The person someone goes to when their number one isn't around, they settle for me. And oh boy do my friends sure know how to make me feel me they settled for me.
I lay in my bed with more thoughts polluting my head… the loss of my relationship where the person is absolutely great to me but did one thing that made me not want him anymore. I want to want him but I don't. I can't and I hate it because besides for that one mistake, he's perfect. I think about the loss of my job. The loss of my future. The loss of hope. Past me knew it wouldn't get better. Sure some problems went away but ptsd never does. It follows me. It's apart of me and something I've tried many years to kill off. I can't. No matter what, it's there and it doesn't get easier. At least for me it hasn't.
I lay in my bed and constantly think about the past. Why does my family not love me?Why did I have to be SA'ed multiple times. Why was I seen as a sex doll so much in the past when I was innocent? Why do I only feel worthy when I can offer sex? And the worst part is I never feel pretty. I'm tall fat and ugly. I look like my dad. I'm disgusting to look at, that's how ugly I am. Yet I'm still seen as a sex doll. There's never been love in sex for me. It was taken from me at such a young age. I resented sex for a long time. Now I just want to play sexy cool girl so I can show people I'm valuable. I hate how that's what I've become. Im not sleeping around or anything like that but I do advertise myself as a sex doll now because if I can't beat it then I will join it. I feel like that was my only purpose in the world. To be the walking talking blow up doll. It's the only thing I can be valuable for.
I lay in my bed and remember how my career has failed completely. Everything I worked towards for years just gone instantly. My career exposed me to the worst people. A man groomed and coerced me into online sex work. Said it would help with the childhood trauma I have. I believed him. He now has videos aka blackmail of me. I think about that daily. I'm stupid.
And lastly. I lay in my dark room. Staring at my ceiling. And I remember that everything is hopeless. Nothing could get better for me because I have too much trauma built. What kept me alive for so long was convincing myself that I deserved everything that happened to me and that my life is me living out my punishments. I'm coming to the realization that… no. I did not deserve any of that. I deserve peace. And the way I want it is by ctb. Idc about the possibility of things getting better. It's not worth it. My traumas have drowned me all my life and I'm tired of swimming to keep afloat. I want to drown. I want to stop trying because it has gotten me no where. I. Deserve. Peace. Thank you for listening.
I'm here laying in my bed after working. I'm alone. I went to a bar for the first time yesterday. It was fun. I was surrounded by people but I still felt lonely. I've been trying to distract myself with hanging out with my friends more and more. Problem is I truly believe almost none of them actually give af about me so no matter who, I always feel like I'm disposable to them and as soon as they don't need me they'll discard me. I know for a fact that I'm no one's first option. I'm always the side person. The person someone goes to when their number one isn't around, they settle for me. And oh boy do my friends sure know how to make me feel me they settled for me.
I lay in my bed with more thoughts polluting my head… the loss of my relationship where the person is absolutely great to me but did one thing that made me not want him anymore. I want to want him but I don't. I can't and I hate it because besides for that one mistake, he's perfect. I think about the loss of my job. The loss of my future. The loss of hope. Past me knew it wouldn't get better. Sure some problems went away but ptsd never does. It follows me. It's apart of me and something I've tried many years to kill off. I can't. No matter what, it's there and it doesn't get easier. At least for me it hasn't.
I lay in my bed and constantly think about the past. Why does my family not love me?Why did I have to be SA'ed multiple times. Why was I seen as a sex doll so much in the past when I was innocent? Why do I only feel worthy when I can offer sex? And the worst part is I never feel pretty. I'm tall fat and ugly. I look like my dad. I'm disgusting to look at, that's how ugly I am. Yet I'm still seen as a sex doll. There's never been love in sex for me. It was taken from me at such a young age. I resented sex for a long time. Now I just want to play sexy cool girl so I can show people I'm valuable. I hate how that's what I've become. Im not sleeping around or anything like that but I do advertise myself as a sex doll now because if I can't beat it then I will join it. I feel like that was my only purpose in the world. To be the walking talking blow up doll. It's the only thing I can be valuable for.
I lay in my bed and remember how my career has failed completely. Everything I worked towards for years just gone instantly. My career exposed me to the worst people. A man groomed and coerced me into online sex work. Said it would help with the childhood trauma I have. I believed him. He now has videos aka blackmail of me. I think about that daily. I'm stupid.
And lastly. I lay in my dark room. Staring at my ceiling. And I remember that everything is hopeless. Nothing could get better for me because I have too much trauma built. What kept me alive for so long was convincing myself that I deserved everything that happened to me and that my life is me living out my punishments. I'm coming to the realization that… no. I did not deserve any of that. I deserve peace. And the way I want it is by ctb. Idc about the possibility of things getting better. It's not worth it. My traumas have drowned me all my life and I'm tired of swimming to keep afloat. I want to drown. I want to stop trying because it has gotten me no where. I. Deserve. Peace. Thank you for listening.
it's so shitty you endured this and are expected to still function every day as if everything is normal. I do think it's shitty that other people did so much to hurt you and you have to be the one to end it but if it brings you peace then I support the pursuit.
