starleaf
Member
- Dec 13, 2019
- 27
Hi everyone, so I made some posts over the past weeks and I was seriously considering CTB. Everyone's kindness really touched me and actually gave me light to keep going on over the past while. Thank you. Things were getting impossible for me on my end. I was left feeling betrayed by my former best friend, after forgiving her over and over again for hurting me I finally ended the friendship. This hit me hard after experiencing years of abuse from someone involved in Ritual Abuse. I realized that my friend treating me poorly repeatedly meant that she was both a very unwell person and also couldn't or wouldn't believe the traumas I had been through. We had been so close and I always believed her words instead of her actions, so when the final blow happened it hit me very hard, and it also left me in a situation where I was the sole caretaker of a dog she adopted (she decided to move far away and said she would never have the money to be able to care for the dog herself), leaving me in an unsafe position in case my abuser found me and I didn't have anyone to watch the dog if I needed to leave for that reason, and also making it difficult or impossible for me to even get ptsd treatment and help as I have to travel to do that. I am now in the process of trying to rehome the dog because of her choices. While I always tried to be understanding of my friend because she also has a lot of trauma I realized that I was making excuses for her and that sadly she isn't well enough to treat me as a human being at all. She was probably the one person I trusted, and she broke that trust repeatedly, she even stole from me at times.
Another blow is when I saw the guy I have been in love with this time around. Because of my abuse I had to move far away, but I have visited home kind of regularly when I can, and for about a year I would always stay with this guy, he was telling me he loves me, and I had seeing him again as a reason to keep living. This time around he suddenly was not that into me, and I wanted to talk to him about it, but because I was staying with him I felt weird about bringing it up. His behaviour was so different but he never acknowledged it. It was super hard, but I took a long walk and was able to work through it and accept it. He has been like this in the past, and while I still would like to clear stuff up by talking about things I was able to accept that he probably just needs me as a friend instead of a romantic partner right now. He wasn't mean to me at all, just very checked out.
Being back home was hard but also helpful. I talked with two people about what I experienced with my former best friend and they confessed that they had been hurt by this person also, and that they know others who had been hurt by her also. While the one person I talked to is still friends with her he was pretty explicit that he didn't feel good about me being her friend because she had hurt me so much, and he totally acknowledged how unfair she had been towards me. This was so helpful. I struggle immensely with feeing guilty and ashamed of who I am which I believe is why my former friend was able to get away with the imbalances in our friendship. While I was still struggling with wanting to CTB at this point my friend validating me really helped. I also had an epiphany.
The epiphany was that ultimately no matter what I choose to live my life in a way that causes the least amount of harm and pain for others. This is just how I am. Yes I am not perfect with it, I still make mistakes and I still have to engage in capitalism which is inherently harmful and I may not always make the best choices with that, but on a soul level I choose to do no harm. I know that my parents would never recover from my death. My biggest motivation for surviving my abuse, and I did nearly die and get killed by my abuser, was to make sure that my parents would not have to lose a child. I know my parents are not strong enough to cope with that at all. If I were to have an incurable or very debilitating illness I would give myself the freedom to CTB, but at this point in my life it was just too immoral for me to do so even though I have been struggling so much. Realizing that I ultimately cannot CTB because of the harm it would do was honestly excruciating. I want to share also that I truly do not believe that this is what is right for everyone, that choice is only what is right for me. I believe in true freedom for others and I pass zero judgment on those who choose to CTB because I get it.
Still though I felt hopeless and hurt and scared. I still wanted to die. I saw no way out. I even saw my abuser out in public when I was back home. I have no idea if he saw me or was still tracking me. I realized when I saw him how real and devastating the trauma has been, and how damaging it has been for me to have no one who believes me. I have felt so invisible, like I was living a lie. Every time I have opened up to someone I thought I could trust I have been shut down or dismissed. Every single time. My former friend did this to me too, to the degree where I feared reaching out to anyone (she said she changed her mind later when I told her about how much she hurt me by doing that, but still it was hard). I felt like I had no more options so I chose to reach out to someone I could talk to. I reached out to someone who is a ritual abuse survivor themselves who offers counselling. This was literally the only person I could think of as an option to talk to. I was so scared she would respond to me as my friend had but I took the chance anyway. I am so, so glad and proud of myself that I reached out to this person. Honestly that phone session was the best money I have ever spent in my life. Like total understanding, no judgement, and finally someone who acknowledged how bad my abuse was. I was able to be open with everything, and while I didn't share everything, I left the session feeling that when I am able to tell the whole truth I will be able to, finally. I don't have to keep my trauma as this huge secret anymore. Maybe no one else will believe me, okay, but finally someone out there does, and believes me totally. My life isn't a lie anymore, this weight of judgement from other people has final lifted. Things aren't perfect, like I am super pissed at the people who didn't take me seriously. But I never imagined this would happen, I didn't expect to connect with the person counselling me to that extent. I didn't expect them to understand, but they did and I am so grateful. I feel now that I can move on with my life, I no longer feel suicidal, it made such a difference. This crushing desperation to have someone or even something understand is finally gone. I also feel like I can finally have the agency to choose who I trust, to choose who I am friends with, I finally realize that the way my friend chose to treat me was never okay, and while maybe there are reasons that cause her behaviours, they shouldn't be made into excuses so that I have to put up with her mistreatment of me.
The abuse nearly killed me but I survived, but what I almost didn't survive was the invalidation. The invalidation of my traumas nearly caused me to end my life. It caused me to almost totally give up even when I had over come so much already. Now I can finally move on for real, I am so thankful to the person who counselled me and believed me and validated me. I know they have worked immensely hard to survive also and they are doing what they can to help others do the same. I am so thankful for everyone on here as well. You truly are such compassionate and amazing people and you do not deserve the pain that brings you here. I hope and pray that in whatever way is best you all will be liberated from your pain. I will still visit and post on this site and I am so grateful it is here. It got me through a really scary and painful time. Thank you.
Another blow is when I saw the guy I have been in love with this time around. Because of my abuse I had to move far away, but I have visited home kind of regularly when I can, and for about a year I would always stay with this guy, he was telling me he loves me, and I had seeing him again as a reason to keep living. This time around he suddenly was not that into me, and I wanted to talk to him about it, but because I was staying with him I felt weird about bringing it up. His behaviour was so different but he never acknowledged it. It was super hard, but I took a long walk and was able to work through it and accept it. He has been like this in the past, and while I still would like to clear stuff up by talking about things I was able to accept that he probably just needs me as a friend instead of a romantic partner right now. He wasn't mean to me at all, just very checked out.
Being back home was hard but also helpful. I talked with two people about what I experienced with my former best friend and they confessed that they had been hurt by this person also, and that they know others who had been hurt by her also. While the one person I talked to is still friends with her he was pretty explicit that he didn't feel good about me being her friend because she had hurt me so much, and he totally acknowledged how unfair she had been towards me. This was so helpful. I struggle immensely with feeing guilty and ashamed of who I am which I believe is why my former friend was able to get away with the imbalances in our friendship. While I was still struggling with wanting to CTB at this point my friend validating me really helped. I also had an epiphany.
The epiphany was that ultimately no matter what I choose to live my life in a way that causes the least amount of harm and pain for others. This is just how I am. Yes I am not perfect with it, I still make mistakes and I still have to engage in capitalism which is inherently harmful and I may not always make the best choices with that, but on a soul level I choose to do no harm. I know that my parents would never recover from my death. My biggest motivation for surviving my abuse, and I did nearly die and get killed by my abuser, was to make sure that my parents would not have to lose a child. I know my parents are not strong enough to cope with that at all. If I were to have an incurable or very debilitating illness I would give myself the freedom to CTB, but at this point in my life it was just too immoral for me to do so even though I have been struggling so much. Realizing that I ultimately cannot CTB because of the harm it would do was honestly excruciating. I want to share also that I truly do not believe that this is what is right for everyone, that choice is only what is right for me. I believe in true freedom for others and I pass zero judgment on those who choose to CTB because I get it.
Still though I felt hopeless and hurt and scared. I still wanted to die. I saw no way out. I even saw my abuser out in public when I was back home. I have no idea if he saw me or was still tracking me. I realized when I saw him how real and devastating the trauma has been, and how damaging it has been for me to have no one who believes me. I have felt so invisible, like I was living a lie. Every time I have opened up to someone I thought I could trust I have been shut down or dismissed. Every single time. My former friend did this to me too, to the degree where I feared reaching out to anyone (she said she changed her mind later when I told her about how much she hurt me by doing that, but still it was hard). I felt like I had no more options so I chose to reach out to someone I could talk to. I reached out to someone who is a ritual abuse survivor themselves who offers counselling. This was literally the only person I could think of as an option to talk to. I was so scared she would respond to me as my friend had but I took the chance anyway. I am so, so glad and proud of myself that I reached out to this person. Honestly that phone session was the best money I have ever spent in my life. Like total understanding, no judgement, and finally someone who acknowledged how bad my abuse was. I was able to be open with everything, and while I didn't share everything, I left the session feeling that when I am able to tell the whole truth I will be able to, finally. I don't have to keep my trauma as this huge secret anymore. Maybe no one else will believe me, okay, but finally someone out there does, and believes me totally. My life isn't a lie anymore, this weight of judgement from other people has final lifted. Things aren't perfect, like I am super pissed at the people who didn't take me seriously. But I never imagined this would happen, I didn't expect to connect with the person counselling me to that extent. I didn't expect them to understand, but they did and I am so grateful. I feel now that I can move on with my life, I no longer feel suicidal, it made such a difference. This crushing desperation to have someone or even something understand is finally gone. I also feel like I can finally have the agency to choose who I trust, to choose who I am friends with, I finally realize that the way my friend chose to treat me was never okay, and while maybe there are reasons that cause her behaviours, they shouldn't be made into excuses so that I have to put up with her mistreatment of me.
The abuse nearly killed me but I survived, but what I almost didn't survive was the invalidation. The invalidation of my traumas nearly caused me to end my life. It caused me to almost totally give up even when I had over come so much already. Now I can finally move on for real, I am so thankful to the person who counselled me and believed me and validated me. I know they have worked immensely hard to survive also and they are doing what they can to help others do the same. I am so thankful for everyone on here as well. You truly are such compassionate and amazing people and you do not deserve the pain that brings you here. I hope and pray that in whatever way is best you all will be liberated from your pain. I will still visit and post on this site and I am so grateful it is here. It got me through a really scary and painful time. Thank you.
