Venting I couldn't make myself drink SN

[johann_liebert]

I had planned leaving this Thursday the 11th January 2024 with Sodium Nitrite. I went to a hidden spot at a nearby forrest and something for me unexpected but definitely predictable occurred. I was like frozen and couldn't get myself to drink the SN....

I was sitting there for hours in the cold dirt, leaned on a tree and the best I did was put the plastic cup on my mouth. In the end I managed to take a bit of the SN in my mouth and apparently some of it got in my stomach as it felt weird. My heart began racing and I started panicking and went out of my hidden spot on the regular path and just walked back home.

I really thought that would be it that day. I was so angry and disappointed with myself.

I normally hate these comparisons too, but I know people with far more to lose (or save) then me managed to overcome the si (anxiety) to drink the SN, jump of the building or kick the bucket...

My fears are the reason why I can't live a normal life and now are the reason why I can't even leave it. The thought of drinking something poisonous and then sitting there for 10, 20, 30.... minutes knowing you will now die was just horrible for me.

I have to accept that SN isn't a good method for someone as anxious as me and since I have no access to benzos I probably will have to resort to my main method jumping + alcohol next time.

 

[boddibo]

Hey there, I'm sorry for you, don't be mad at yourself for not doing it.

I guess if you were outside it's because you couldn't be alone inside? I guess it must have been scary to do it outside, freezing cold, maybe it would have felt less frightening somewhere 'safer', or at least, warmer. I'm also sorry for you for not having access to benzos, may I ask why? Because if you're the anxious type maybe you could ask someone to prescribe them?

I don't know if jumping would be better for you, even with alcohol, if you're the anxious type, but I hope you'll find something that's going to work for you.

SI can be cruel, but it wasn't just your time yet.

 

[Tears in Rain]

S.I. is a tough nut to crack alright. No method is easy.

 

[johann_liebert]

Hey there, I'm sorry for you, don't be mad at yourself for not doing it.

I guess if you were outside it's because you couldn't be alone inside? I guess it must have been scary to do it outside, freezing cold, maybe it would have felt less frightening somewhere 'safer', or at least, warmer. I'm also sorry for you for not having access to benzos, may I ask why? Because if you're the anxious type maybe you could ask someone to prescribe them?

I don't know if jumping would be better for you, even with alcohol, if you're the anxious type, but I hope you'll find something that's going to work for you.

SI can be cruel, but it wasn't just your time yet.

Yeah, I still live with my parents. And surprisingly, the cold wasn't as much of a problem as how uncomfortable it felt sitting there. My doctor already rejected my benzo request when I genuinely asked him about it a year ago to help me with my therapy. I would have to try it out, but what I like about jumping is, that it takes only a few seconds until you die and once you jump there is no turning back.

 

[boddibo]

Yeah, I still live with my parents. And surprisingly, the cold wasn't as much of a problem as how uncomfortable it felt sitting there. My doctor already rejected my benzo request when I genuinely asked him about it a year ago to help me with my therapy. I would have to try it out, but what I like about jumping is, that it takes only a few seconds until you die and once you jump there is no turning back.

Shoot, maybe you could have asked another doctor, but then again... you wouldn't be guaranteed to have them.

As for jumping, it can take seconds before you die, you're correct, but it's not a 100% certainty (like any method tbf), you'd have to jump from really high to avoid the risks of failure.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just don't believe it's always straightforward to ctb after all even if one has access to a reliable method but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[LastBitOfJoy]

Don't feel bad, this means you weren't ready for it maybe. Ctb is never an easy process.

Give yourself time to consider things.

 

[johann_liebert]

Shoot, maybe you could have asked another doctor, but then again... you wouldn't be guaranteed to have them.

As for jumping, it can take seconds before you die, you're correct, but it's not a 100% certainty (like any method tbf), you'd have to jump from really high to avoid the risks of failure.

Actually, now I remember I even asked two times someone for benzos. But yeah, now I don't really have the willpower to search for a psychiatrist or someone, that would maybe prescribe me that. The risk of failing, yeah that's where then all the SI in jumping comes from. It really sucks!

I just don't believe it's always straightforward to ctb after all even if one has access to a reliable method but anyway I wish you the best.

Thank you!

 

[Krokodile]

I have the same idea, to take SN in a forest so that if the SN doesn't do the trick the cold will. I will probably have the same outcome too with how indecisive I am even about trivial things. But still an interesting read, almost like a glimpse to my own future.

 

[johann_liebert]

I have the same idea, to take SN in a forest so that if the SN doesn't do the trick the cold will. I will probably have the same outcome too with how indecisive I am even about trivial things. But still an interesting read, almost like a glimpse to my own future.

Obviously I hope it will not be a glimpse into your future, and don't want to give you a bad outlook on it, but I haven't read much about SI kicking in when drinking SN and how hard it actually is to do that. It should not be underestimated.

 

[Krokodile]

Obviously I hope it will not be a glimpse into your future, and don't want to give you a bad outlook on it, but I haven't read much about SI kicking in when drinking SN and how hard it actually is to do that. It should not be underestimated.

Yeah, I definitely don't expect it to be easy, and I already have a cancelled attempt under my belt. The number of people who end up killing themselves is pretty small after all, while suicidal thought is probably not all that uncommon.

 

[losing hope]

Actually, now I remember I even asked two times someone for benzos.

Sorry to hear of your experience & hope you take it easy over the nxt few days.

Heard last night Benzo's help with anniexty but don't always send you to sleep, so thinking of taking extra sleeping tablets in case for this. Does anyone know if that is a good or bad idea?

I know this is wrong, but I also I recently tasted a few grains of SN & boy it is the REAL stuff. Just those few grains, made me light headed, gave me brain fog & made me feel a bit lazy for like 5 mins.

 

[boddibo]

so thinking of taking extra sleeping tablets in case for this. Does anyone know if that is a good or bad idea?

From what I've read, you don't want to be asleep in case you're vomiting (yeah, you can puke in your sleep), so you won't be able to take another glass of SN if that happens.