Venting I could never give a partner what they wanted

[cicadafriend]

I've reached a point in my trauma where I'm pretty sure I'll never be able to be intimate with another person again. There was a period where I was able to with a past partner but there were many times when it was uncomfortable (not their fault at all). The last time I declined being intimate with him he felt rejected and said something like "you didn't even give me five seconds". Now every day I hear those words in my head and I feel so guilty and gross. I feel unlovable because of my issues. I can't wait for my ctb date :(

 

[The anhedonic one]

Please don't feel guilty because none of this is your fault. Trauma tricks the brain into thinking you are unlovable.
Maybe your boyfriend will understand if you tell him. If he really loves you, he will support you.

 

[dory]

Your issues are not your fault don't feel guilty for it, if you were really unloveable you wouldn't have partners to begin with, don't let the negative outweigh the positive.

 

[Jezzibell]

I get what you are saying but for different reasons.

I could never give any of my partners what they wanted because I was needy, jealous, volatile - due to fear of abandonment. I questioned every sentence looking for hidden meanings. If they were late I would get hysterical.

I'm much older now. For nearly 15 years I haven't had anyone in my life and I don't want to either.

Because the thing it took me a while to learn is that I can't possibly make anyone else happy if I'm not happy myself. I'm on here, how happy could I possibly be.

 

[cicadafriend]

Please don't feel guilty because none of this is your fault. Trauma tricks the brain into thinking you are unlovable.
Maybe your boyfriend will understand if you tell him. If he really loves you, he will support you.

We broke up shortly after it happened because I reacted really badly and revealed to him that I was having suicidal thoughts. But thank you for the kindness

 

[The anhedonic one]

I get what you are saying but for different reasons.

I could never give any of my partners what they wanted because I was needy, jealous, volatile - due to fear of abandonment. I questioned every sentence looking for hidden meanings. If they were late I would get hysterical.

I'm much older now. For nearly 15 years I haven't had anyone in my life and I don't want to either.

Because the thing it took me a while to learn is that I can't possibly make anyone else happy if I'm not happy myself. I'm on here, how happy could I possibly be.

I have borderline personality disorder. I used to push my partner away because I loved her too much. I was terrified of being abandoned. Yet she knew it wasn't my fault because of my childhood sexual abuse. My fucked-up brain drove her away. I still miss her after 20 years.

 

[Jezzibell]

I have borderline personality disorder. I used to push my partner away because I loved her too much. I was terrified of being abandoned. Yet she knew it wasn't my fault because of my childhood sexual abuse. My fucked-up brain drove her away. I still miss her after 20 years.

Yes. That's me too. And I too have bpd. I've always pushed people away then went hysterical when they did go. I hate living with my fucked up self.

 

[sayire]

childhood trauma breaks my heart. in many of bad situations there is a deeper link to childhood experiences. sometimes these experiences take decades to come out. and sometime they exist from early childhood onwards and never recover from it.

sorry for you state of affairs. no need to feel gross and guilt, I know easily said than done.

hope you find a path to your peace

 

[The anhedonic one]

Yes. That's me too. And I too have bpd. I've always pushed people away then went hysterical when they did go. I hate living with my fucked up self.

So sorry. It really is a dreadful thing to sabotage any hope of happiness. I've been alone for a very long time because I just can't form healthy relationships.

 

[Jezzibell]

So sorry. It really is a dreadful thing to sabotage any hope of happiness. I've been alone for a very long time because I just can't form healthy relationships.

Ditto! We could be twins. I had an excellent therapist and she showed me some diagrams she had drawn about my relationships with partners, work, friends. It was spot on. But my head is adled from so much anorexia abuse that I remember no details of anything. My relationships have always been toxic.