I already opened up to her once about my suicidality. She thinks bad of suicide forums and when I asked her for assisted suicide she only stammered "That that is impossible..." blocking any rational exchange.
I opened up to her about me being in a depressive paranoid loop though with extreme shame. I tried to approach my (trans) crush at college and she considers me insane. I had the delusion she liked me. Still when I am thinking of it I die a thousand death. I have intense inner heat connected to the shame right at the moment. Which is in my opinion pathological. I had the thought everythig of that was pathological. But she considered it a normal human reaction. An attack on oneself. That can increase uncertainty towards oneself. I think of suicide currently. But not solely to this incident rather due to fact something similar happened a couple of times. And that I am unable to stomach college anymore.
She gave me interesting insights by not pathologizing me. She is a smart woman smarter than some of my former psychiatrists. She forgot my suicidality seemingly. I would be interested to debate with her suicide. She is religious I think. None of her patients commiitted suicide so far. I would be her first.
However I think the ethic codes for psychiatrists would force her to certain takes. Moreover as a religious woman she might believe in them. When I mentioned assisted suicide she sounded so dogmatic. I would like to have a talk without all the professional commitments. As a psychiatrist she must be against my suicide. But I think she would be smart enough to recognize my suffering and that there is logic behind my reasoning to take my own life.
I won't open up to her presumably. I would only talk to someone who would be allowed to give me a pro-choice stance. And due to the fact the new liberal assisted suicide laws were blocked such counselling services are no there. There are assisted suicide organizations but I don't have the money for them.
However there is another reason such a debate might be useless. I am pretty dead set on my suicide take/philosophy. I don't want to die. But if life is not offering me anything I will take my own life. I am well aware that my life quality is bad. And that it will likely get worse. So maybe in the end we would only shout at each other. My purpose might would be changing her stance on assisted suicide. And her goal would be to prevent my suicide. So maybe due to the constellation such a talk could not be honest. Maybe I want to give other people the chance to prevent my suicide. However when I see what is ahead of me in the coming decades only a miracle could save me. And so far everything got worse and every new hope only was deceiving me. And I mean this literally my hope was literally delusional. Always when I realized that I thought well life really wants to drive me to commit suicide.
I opened up to her about me being in a depressive paranoid loop though with extreme shame. I tried to approach my (trans) crush at college and she considers me insane. I had the delusion she liked me. Still when I am thinking of it I die a thousand death. I have intense inner heat connected to the shame right at the moment. Which is in my opinion pathological. I had the thought everythig of that was pathological. But she considered it a normal human reaction. An attack on oneself. That can increase uncertainty towards oneself. I think of suicide currently. But not solely to this incident rather due to fact something similar happened a couple of times. And that I am unable to stomach college anymore.
She gave me interesting insights by not pathologizing me. She is a smart woman smarter than some of my former psychiatrists. She forgot my suicidality seemingly. I would be interested to debate with her suicide. She is religious I think. None of her patients commiitted suicide so far. I would be her first.
However I think the ethic codes for psychiatrists would force her to certain takes. Moreover as a religious woman she might believe in them. When I mentioned assisted suicide she sounded so dogmatic. I would like to have a talk without all the professional commitments. As a psychiatrist she must be against my suicide. But I think she would be smart enough to recognize my suffering and that there is logic behind my reasoning to take my own life.
I won't open up to her presumably. I would only talk to someone who would be allowed to give me a pro-choice stance. And due to the fact the new liberal assisted suicide laws were blocked such counselling services are no there. There are assisted suicide organizations but I don't have the money for them.
However there is another reason such a debate might be useless. I am pretty dead set on my suicide take/philosophy. I don't want to die. But if life is not offering me anything I will take my own life. I am well aware that my life quality is bad. And that it will likely get worse. So maybe in the end we would only shout at each other. My purpose might would be changing her stance on assisted suicide. And her goal would be to prevent my suicide. So maybe due to the constellation such a talk could not be honest. Maybe I want to give other people the chance to prevent my suicide. However when I see what is ahead of me in the coming decades only a miracle could save me. And so far everything got worse and every new hope only was deceiving me. And I mean this literally my hope was literally delusional. Always when I realized that I thought well life really wants to drive me to commit suicide.
