I constantly question my reality

[wheretfami]

I've been gaslighted my entire life by an abusive mother. Now, as an adult, I'm embarrassed at how easily influenced I'm so easy to manipulate and gaslight and the world is too dangerous of a place for me. I constantly doubt and question my reality, and if my thoughts and opinions even make sense. I can't stick around forever. I think I'm not quite cut out for this life. I think I'm pretty cool, I'm just too soft and gullible for this life.

 

[AllCatsAreGrey]

This is something I relate to. I constantly question my reality. At this point in my life, I feel like I'm driving with with the parking break on. People say, "just do what you want". I'm unsure if I really want something, or is it just what I'm supposed to want. In my life (I'm now 45) there have been phases where I subsumed myself to what others wanted - as if being close to their want produced value in me.

I don't know the particulars in your mother's abuse, but I can relate in a general sense. There is something that is difficult in making the transition from an abusive household into a "normal" adult life. We have to hide it and we also deeply crave the comfort of parental attention. This gets defused into our relations in unexpected ways. I constantly kick myself over feeling gullible. I just want to say you're not alone in that.

 

[Foreverix]

I think I'm pretty cool, I'm just too soft and gullible for this life.

You seem pretty cool! You also seem pretty self-aware. Having a high level of self-awareness is problematic enough, let alone distrusting your perception and beliefs about reality.

I can't say that I've been abused, or gaslighted to any extensive degree. But I do feel quite disconnected from my immediate experience, and it often feels unreal, fake, or like somebody else's story.

I don't think you're soft or gullible, though, necessarily. Perhaps you're just a really sensitive person who has learned not to trust your own experience because your mother trained that out of you for her own gain. That doesn't make you soft, it makes you a survivor.

 

[HighFlight]

I'm sorry to hear about your abusive mother, and it always saddens me to see another person "damaged" by their own parents. While I hope the gaslighting was not an intentional form of abuse, it doesn't really matter as the damage has been done.

Now, as an adult, I'm embarrassed at how easily influenced I'm so easy to manipulate and gaslight and the world is too dangerous of a place for me. I constantly doubt and question my reality, and if my thoughts and opinions even make sense.

In many cases, this can be learned (or unlearned, depending on how you look at it). First, trust yourself above all others and question everything. Easier said than done, I know. But it becomes a starting point to build from.

To help, what is something that is currently casting doubt for you, or making you question your reality? If you're not comfortable here, feel free to PM me and we can work through it together. Or simply use the question as a starting point to meditate on.

Regardless, I hope you can find you're own reality soon, as it will allow you to take back control from others, including your mom, and ultimately find some peace.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I've been gaslighted my entire life by an abusive mother. Now, as an adult, I'm embarrassed at how easily influenced I'm so easy to manipulate and gaslight and the world is too dangerous of a place for me. I constantly doubt and question my reality, and if my thoughts and opinions even make sense. I can't stick around forever. I think I'm not quite cut out for this life. I think I'm pretty cool, I'm just too soft and gullible for this life.

My Mother was a narcissist.
Her abuse towards me meant that I grew up very shy, and withdrawn.
Ì was bullied all through school because of this, and people saw me as an easy target.
I also suffer from episodes of depersonalisation, and derealization, therefore everything, including myself appears very weird and fake.
Sorry you are going through this.
It's awful.

 

[martinso67]

My Mother was a narcissist.
Her abuse towards me meant that I grew up very shy, and withdrawn.
Ì was bullied all through school because of this, and people saw me as an easy target.
I also suffer from episodes of depersonalisation, and derealization, therefore everything, including myself appears very weird and fake.
Sorry you are going through this.
It's awful.

You are not alone with feeling depersonalisation and derealization. I have that too.
It happens when I am outside with people or in stressful situation.
You will not go crazy like schizophrenic people. I go to nature for a walk or running to alleviate the symptoms.

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

You are not alone with feeling depersonalisation and derealization. I have that too.
It happens when I am outside with people or in stressful situation.
You will not go crazy like schizophrenic people. I go to nature for a walk or running to alleviate the symptoms.

Sorry you are going through this too.
Exercise has definitely helped me in the past, yet nowadays I can barely function
I used to workout every day to keep down my stress levels, yet these days my depression is so bad I spend most of my time in bed.
Depersonalisation and derealization is often terrifying for me, and it's exactly as you say: that it is mostly brought on by stress.
I can't bear crowded cities and shopping malls because I usually end up feeling suddenly very weird and extremely anxious.
As you say, I will not lose my mind because of it, yet it surely makes me feel that way.

 

[wheretfami]

I'm sorry to hear about your abusive mother, and it always saddens me to see another person "damaged" by their own parents. While I hope the gaslighting was not an intentional form of abuse, it doesn't really matter as the damage has been done.


In many cases, this can be learned (or unlearned, depending on how you look at it). First, trust yourself above all others and question everything. Easier said than done, I know. But it becomes a starting point to build from.

To help, what is something that is currently casting doubt for you, or making you question your reality? If you're not comfortable here, feel free to PM me and we can work through it together. Or simply use the question as a starting point to meditate on.

Regardless, I hope you can find you're own reality soon, as it will allow you to take back control from others, including your mom, and ultimately find some peace.

There's so much I just learned from this, thank you
I guess the biggest thing right now is my disability and making money with no other support. I want to be independent, but I get sick easily and have seizures, and then I miss work, and therefore don't have rent money or money for debt, and people are stressed by me and disappointed in me. I keep feeling like I'm just not trying hard enough. Other people have disabilities, yet they come to work and pay bills. I feel like I'm failing or that I'm just lazy.

There was also an incident in the house with my roommates last year where two of them kept treating me like trash for months, then told me everything I felt was in my head.... yet taking that advice only made me more confused and stressed. It's been almost 12 months and it's still affecting me-- and that's another thing, why am I still hurt if everyone else moved on and I want to as well?

That's what's up now.... thank you for reading all this

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

There's so much I just learned from this, thank you
I guess the biggest thing right now is my disability and making money with no other support. I want to be independent, but I get sick easily and have seizures, and then I miss work, and therefore don't have rent money or money for debt, and people are stressed by me and disappointed in me. I keep feeling like I'm just not trying hard enough. Other people have disabilities, yet they come to work and pay bills. I feel like I'm failing or that I'm just lazy.

There was also an incident in the house with my roommates last year where two of them kept treating me like trash for months, then told me everything I felt was in my head.... yet taking that advice only made me more confused and stressed. It's been almost 12 months and it's still affecting me-- and that's another thing, why am I still hurt if everyone else moved on and I want to as well?

That's what's up now.... thank you for reading all this

I live a shared house ( HMO ) in the UK. I hate most of the people here. They are mostly arrogant gossiping backstabbers and leave trash all over the place. I avoid them all because they are toxic.
I'm honestly thinking about leaving soon because it is such an unhealthy environment.
I'm going to become homeless soon anyway, because the rent's in the UK are extortionate and my savings will not last much longer.
I cannot possibly work at the moment because of my worsening mental illness.
I hope I die in my sleep tonight.
Existence is a nightmare.

 

[wheretfami]

I live a shared house ( HMO ) in the UK. I hate most of the people here. They are mostly arrogant gossiping backstabbers and leave trash all over the place. I avoid them all because they are toxic.
I'm honestly thinking about leaving soon because it is such an unhealthy environment.
I'm going to become homeless soon anyway, because the rent's in the UK are extortionate and my savings will not last much longer.
I cannot possibly work at the moment because of my worsening mental illness.
I hope I die in my sleep tonight.
Existence is a nightmare.

I'm so sorry you got stuck in this situation with disgusting people like that. Toxic behavior is enforced by so many people-- some without even realizing they're doing it. I feel you on the struggle with work+mental illness. I miss so much work and struggle to pay bills bc of my head and it's some of the worst stress I've ever experienced. I hate the idea it's happening to you too, you seem cool, don't deserve this shit.

Are you exiting tonight?

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

I'm so sorry you got stuck in this situation with disgusting people like that. Toxic behavior is enforced by so many people-- some without even realizing they're doing it. I feel you on the struggle with work+mental illness. I miss so much work and struggle to pay bills bc of my head and it's some of the worst stress I've ever experienced. I hate the idea it's happening to you too, you seem cool, don't deserve this shit.

Are you exiting tonight?

Not exiting tonight.
I'm probably going to travel to beachy head in the near future and jump.
So sorry you are struggling too.
Thank you for your kind words.

 

[HighFlight]

I want to be independent, but I get sick easily and have seizures, and then I miss work, and therefore don't have rent money or money for debt, and people are stressed by me and disappointed in me.

This is a good start. You want to be independent, but your disabilities are preventing that. If you simply begin with that goal and a positive attitude, you should be able to find supportive people to help - Therapists, Guidance Counselor, etc. These are generally good people, and are on your side. The hard part here is finding one with the time to truly help you. Unfortunately, that's not a small task. But they should be able to offer advice and provide resources to help you reach your goals.

Avoid listening to the feedback from just anyone, including friends, family, and even some of the people I mentioned above. If the feedback isn't helping you reach your goals, then it doesn't matter. Note that not all feedback will be positive, but ask yourself whether it is helping you. Like I said before, trust yourself and question everything.

Other people have disabilities, yet they come to work and pay bills. I feel like I'm failing or that I'm just lazy.

Comparing yourself to others can be a recipe for disaster. Everyone has their own challenges, even if on the outside things looks similar. Instead, I might suggest you find yourself a hero, someone that might be in a similar situation but has thrived. This might take some work to find, but having a positive role model to help you look beyond your immediate situation can be very helpful. Also, if you find that person, reach out to them. Try to talk to them. You might just find their willing to help you reach your goals.

There was also an incident in the house with my roommates last year where two of them kept treating me like trash for months, then told me everything I felt was in my head.... yet taking that advice only made me more confused and stressed.

This is a tough one, as your living with them. First question, are they still treating you like trash? If not, does it matter anymore? (i.e. is it stopping you from reaching your goals?) If no, then try to acknowledge it happened and then move on. If it is still happening or it is preventing you from moving forward, my first line of thought would be to tell them how you feel and that you want to move on. But I realize this isn't easy. Do you have someone in the house, or maybe a mutual friend who can help with that discussion?

I realize that none of this is easy, and will take time and effort to work. Please recognize that your feelings are valid, and shouldn't be dismissed by others. You need to believe that!

Please stay in touch, as I am hoping that you can find a way out of your current situation and find some peace along your journey.

 

[wheretfami]

Not exiting tonight.
I'm probably going to travel to beachy head in the near future and jump.
So sorry you are struggling too.
Thank you for your kind words.

When you do I hope it's beautiful. I want that you find the peace you deserve, in life or death

 

[WAITING TO DIE]

When you do I hope it's beautiful. I want that you find the peace you deserve, in life or death

Thank you.