I'm so angry with myself for not going through with it today. I had everything lined up and ready... had plenty of time to be alone.... but I didn't. I had a perfect window of opportunity and I blew it. All I had to do was walk a few blocks and pick up the last thing I needed to CTB. Sorry I'm venting everyone I'm just so frustrated with myself.
I can relate to your anger & frustration.
Damn that survival instinct!
Maybe next time it'll work out better for you.
No need to be sorry for venting.
Damn that survival instinct!
Maybe next time it'll work out better for you.
No need to be sorry for venting.
It's all good. I'm scared too, it sucks
Thanks guys its good to have a place like this to talk about it. I can't share any of this with anyone in my life I feel really isolated.
grungeCat
Awkward & weird
- Jul 5, 2020
- 1,110
It's fine, if I were you I would be angry with myself as well. In fact I chickened out once too when I planned to jump off a block. I understand what you feel. Maybe you'll make it next time. Keep in mind that literally every single behavior programmed within your brain tries to stop you from catching the bus so it requires a lot of self discipline to overcome the biology. You can do it if you want. Just don't be too harsh on yourself. Sending love to you <3
I don't know if this is worth anything but just how we respect your choice, regardless what you do, perhaps you should give yourself that same courtesy as well. I just don't want anyone to suffer while living or dying. I think there's a reason for everything we do. I would say explore that. Definitely don't think of yourself as a chicken. I hope you find peace regardless what you do. No one is judging you here.
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sideswipe84
Member
- Aug 30, 2020
- 44
I don't think you're a chicken or a coward. Really I mean that. I have attempted several times, but I've also backed off plenty of others. Whatever you decide to do me personally I care and hope that everything goes peaceful and smoothly for you.
VIBRITANNIA
lelouch. any pronouns. pfp is by pixiv id 3217872.
- Aug 10, 2020
- 1,156
survival instinct is a bitch. that doesn't make you a coward, though. everybody's got si. i hope you find peace, regardless of what you decide.
Thanks everyone for not judging me. You're all amazingly supportive people so thank you :) I don't know where I'm going from here I'm planning on maybe Saturday but I don't know how that will work out.
PJFord
Student
- Jul 27, 2020
- 143
@WFJ74 ... be kind and loving to yourself. It wasn't meant to be today For whatever reason. Many of us can so closely identify to your post and feelings. You're among friends here so vent away. 
bluesky1972-2019
Specialist
- May 21, 2019
- 377
It's very easy planning and maybe even getting the things you need together to CTB. But actually going through with it is a lot harder.
I've had everything in place to CTB for a while now but keep putting it off. Hoping things will get better but also deep down it's probably the SI kicking in too.
In a way CTB could be seen as a journey into the unknown. It's obvious we have all been on the earth a short period of time in the bigger picture of the universe which has been around for millions or billions of years! So we simply return to wherever we came from before this hell on earth!
I've had everything in place to CTB for a while now but keep putting it off. Hoping things will get better but also deep down it's probably the SI kicking in too.
In a way CTB could be seen as a journey into the unknown. It's obvious we have all been on the earth a short period of time in the bigger picture of the universe which has been around for millions or billions of years! So we simply return to wherever we came from before this hell on earth!
You haven't chickened out. It's hard to do.
YellowSneakers
Member
- Aug 2, 2020
- 39
Better to back out early than suffer the consequences of a failed attempt.
Obviously CTB comes from a place of emotional distress & that causes people to act impulsively, but achieving legitimate commitment is imperative.
Don't be hard on yourself.
Obviously CTB comes from a place of emotional distress & that causes people to act impulsively, but achieving legitimate commitment is imperative.
Don't be hard on yourself.
dude...take as much time you need, there's no rush. If that's true about anything it's certainly true about taking your own life.
LADY007
Specialist
- Feb 25, 2020
- 372
Don't be too hard on yourself... I have the necessary items for three types of Ctb and I have put it off for a few weeks. I realized I had to be sure it was time to go and circumstances I saw within that time answered my questions. This is not an easy task for most people! I needed to relax when I practiced and tell myself you don't have to go now... But you do have to put yourself in the situation somewhat to troubleshoot.
Like others have said, don't beat yourself up. This is fucking hard. You've shown bravery even having a plan. Killing yourself is not easy in this current world. Sending you some love ❤
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SunnyPotato
Member
- Aug 31, 2020
- 57
Just here to second what everyone else has already said. You're not a coward at all, most of us have been there I think. Myself more times than I can count. As was said earlier, you don't need to rush something like this. We're happy to listen. And I can only speak for myself but I totally get you on how frustrating that feels, you'll get there in time.
muffin222
Enlightened
- Mar 31, 2020
- 1,188
There's no rush. We're built to survive at all costs- don't be too harsh on yourself
Silver
The 21st century is when everything changes
- Aug 8, 2020
- 745
I felt the same anger and frustration with myself when I didn't ctb as planned. Try to be gentle on yourself. It's such a major decision to take.
You're all beautiful people and I'm grateful for you. I'd be alone in this if not for you all. I'm glad i have this place and wonderful friends I've never met. I love you and thank you so so much.
BipolarGuy
Enlightened
- Aug 6, 2020
- 1,456
You're under no pressure at all to do anything.
This goes without saying.
Perhaps this is a good time for you to reevaluate your life and try new things to make it better?
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