EternalPain
To live means to suffer
- Sep 11, 2023
- 23
In every relationship I've had I have been the more attached person. I put everything down to answer to messages and constantly think about them, I basically obsess over any friend I have to the point it drives them away. Seeing my best friend play Valorant with someone other than me without asking me if I wanted to play with them too made me cry for an entire night. And I hate myself for it all, because I'm selfish and jealous for all the wrong reasons.
It's a constant back and forth between wanting to be there for every part of their life and distancing myself and trying to ignore it because I know I'll be hurt whenever I see them happy without me. I want to be important to people the way I see them as important, but I know it's not gonna happen. And still I keep repeating the mistake of hoping for it.
I expect praise at everything I do, and even when someone likes what I've done, it's never enough if they don't love it. I don't care about the praise of anyone else, I only want my friends to care. I can't live without feeling necessary.
Most people avoid me once I start becoming annoying with constant begging for attention, and I notice, I'm aware what makes them leave and what is wrong with me but I can't change it. It just hurts so much, to know there's something wrong with you that can never be fixed. I have to beg for forgiveness from things I never wanted to do. And I hate myself for even talking to my friends, because it feels like I'm toxic to them, and I don't wanna hurt anyone but all I am is some parasite, I only live off of others, ruining their lives, making them sick until they abandon me like I already knew they would, but still everytime it hurts. It's good for them to get rid of me and I hate myself for begging to stay.
I wish someone would be able to understand how much I care without thinking I'm weird. My whole life depends on other people who don't even know it.
And I'm jealous of people who can have friends without feeling guilty. People who don't replay their conversations a million times, hating themselves for everything they said. It seems too good to be true. I wish I was normal enough to have friends and not obsessions.
It's a constant back and forth between wanting to be there for every part of their life and distancing myself and trying to ignore it because I know I'll be hurt whenever I see them happy without me. I want to be important to people the way I see them as important, but I know it's not gonna happen. And still I keep repeating the mistake of hoping for it.
I expect praise at everything I do, and even when someone likes what I've done, it's never enough if they don't love it. I don't care about the praise of anyone else, I only want my friends to care. I can't live without feeling necessary.
Most people avoid me once I start becoming annoying with constant begging for attention, and I notice, I'm aware what makes them leave and what is wrong with me but I can't change it. It just hurts so much, to know there's something wrong with you that can never be fixed. I have to beg for forgiveness from things I never wanted to do. And I hate myself for even talking to my friends, because it feels like I'm toxic to them, and I don't wanna hurt anyone but all I am is some parasite, I only live off of others, ruining their lives, making them sick until they abandon me like I already knew they would, but still everytime it hurts. It's good for them to get rid of me and I hate myself for begging to stay.
I wish someone would be able to understand how much I care without thinking I'm weird. My whole life depends on other people who don't even know it.
And I'm jealous of people who can have friends without feeling guilty. People who don't replay their conversations a million times, hating themselves for everything they said. It seems too good to be true. I wish I was normal enough to have friends and not obsessions.
