I know that I have zero hope left in life,I'm 45 I despise my job,have no partner or family,have no money,I live in an incredibly dull dreary village,I have absolutely nothing to look forward to and lots of health issues but I still procrastinate over ending my life,I wish I could just make my mind up and get it over and done with asap!
GenesAndEnvironment
Autistic loser
- Jan 26, 2021
- 5,739
I'm in a roughly similar spot, nothing to look forward to. Still can't really seem to do it, can we? Maybe this forum is giving me will to live, lol. I just got called out as a valuable poster from a member on here, which was nice.
I also procrastinate my ctb. All the time.
I guess we either don't have the guts or simply it's not our time yet.
I guess we either don't have the guts or simply it's not our time yet.
Im the same,I am constantly thinking about it but no actually doing it. I think its partially due to the fear of the pain,even though I wont remember the pain........because Ill be dead.
I am thinking of giving myself a deadline,try to get better up to that date and if I dont then its bye bye from me.
I am thinking of giving myself a deadline,try to get better up to that date and if I dont then its bye bye from me.
I'm in a similar spot. The lack of peaceful means to achieve it along with some sort of primal fear of non existence keeps me here. Took 3 weeks for the SN tk arrive (should be here tomorrow or today) and day by day the thought of commiting to it seems to be dissipating. Not that i've found any reasons to keep going on. In fact my life has gotten even worse. Yet here i am doubting myself out of fear.
This is why I wish I had access to a firearm. Quick,painless and selfish as it is I dont really care about the mess.
Firearms, unless it's a shotgun are still not fully reliable and could leave you in agonizing pain for several minutes i think.
@Bruces before you ctb, you owe it to yourself to relocate to a town or city you want to live in. Who knows, you may find a new job you like, meet friends, find romance. If not, then really nothing lost, right?
GenesAndEnvironment
Autistic loser
- Jan 26, 2021
- 5,739
He needs money for that, though. Maybe he has debts and can't start saving.
yeah I wish that was an option!
This forum can be addictive and keep you in the land of the living. Also you're hilarious!
GenesAndEnvironment
Autistic loser
- Jan 26, 2021
- 5,739
articledon
Student
- Feb 27, 2021
- 191
You nailed it....it is addictive in a comforting way, at least for me with all the support members who are going through similar experincing the same emotions I'm going through...hope that make sense, I've been drinking Jack Daniels Whisky all morning
Ame
あめ
- Nov 1, 2019
- 322
I am in a similar situation, albeit younger than the OP. My appetite for life and my optimism for the future are all about spent. I'm currently waiting on my "bus ticket~" to arrive, so I still have some time. I won't lie, there is a bit of discomfort and anxiety that comes with thinking about my death, but I think that can be boiled down to our hardwired self-preservation instinct and the inevitable anguish it will cause my family. When I take the time to reflect on whether or not there is a small part of me that still has hope, I am met with silence lol. Even if my condition were to be cured tomorrow, I don't think that the life I could salvage would be all that much of a prize.
It's a terrible thing for me to say, because there are so many people who are dying when they really want to live, but the milestones of the life script that I once longed to follow don't really mean anything to me anymore. Things like career, marriage, and family, those feel like abstract concepts that only other people can grasp. That is not to say that life isn't beautiful - it certainly can be I think - but there is a certain kind of pain that comes from not being able to create beautiful things yourself. That is not to say that I wasn't happy either. I love the people I have in my life dearly and will always be grateful for the experiences that I had.
It is just that I now sort of exist as a ghost...which is a fitting description because I have always felt that the suicidal ultimately kills himself twice. I just need to kill myself one more time.
It's a terrible thing for me to say, because there are so many people who are dying when they really want to live, but the milestones of the life script that I once longed to follow don't really mean anything to me anymore. Things like career, marriage, and family, those feel like abstract concepts that only other people can grasp. That is not to say that life isn't beautiful - it certainly can be I think - but there is a certain kind of pain that comes from not being able to create beautiful things yourself. That is not to say that I wasn't happy either. I love the people I have in my life dearly and will always be grateful for the experiences that I had.
It is just that I now sort of exist as a ghost...which is a fitting description because I have always felt that the suicidal ultimately kills himself twice. I just need to kill myself one more time.
Just a quick word of understanding from a fellow 45 year old.
I get it. I have been putting it off for years for one stupid reason or another.
But you know, I truly truly wish I had done it years ago and wasn't here.
I am planning , again , to go through with it and be gone very very soon .I hope it will happen.
I wish you luck whatever you decide to do.
I get it. I have been putting it off for years for one stupid reason or another.
But you know, I truly truly wish I had done it years ago and wasn't here.
I am planning , again , to go through with it and be gone very very soon .I hope it will happen.
I wish you luck whatever you decide to do.
Spiral
Experienced
- Jan 22, 2021
- 269
I also didn't have the motivation to Ctb yet even though I really want to and it's all I think about, I'm just so goddamn depressed that I can't even move, I think if somebody told me there was a million £ on the floor outside my house it would take hours of procrastination before I could muster the energy to move my ass and go get it lol
Ctb is the same, I know I want it but I'm lucky if I achieve even one small step of preparation per day and there is still so much to do before I can go without leaving a bunch of unfinished tasks for my family to deal with. It's so frustrating really but also morbidly hilarious that my depression makes me want to Ctb but it also makes me so immobile that I can't even do it xD fml
Ctb is the same, I know I want it but I'm lucky if I achieve even one small step of preparation per day and there is still so much to do before I can go without leaving a bunch of unfinished tasks for my family to deal with. It's so frustrating really but also morbidly hilarious that my depression makes me want to Ctb but it also makes me so immobile that I can't even do it xD fml
GenesAndEnvironment
Autistic loser
- Jan 26, 2021
- 5,739
Or you simply survived with what little you were given.
