Venting i can’t think straight anymore

[dinosavr]

Massive depressive episode is back in my life, welcome And it's all so much more tiring than with less intense depression. Despite the moment when I manage to focus on something else (which doesn't happen at all), I think about death all the time, everyday, every hour. Even though for the millionth time I came to the conclusion that I do want to die, really much, I'm still not ready yet to finally get my shit together and poison myself.
And it's really fucking annoying living like this, I don't know how much more I can take. So facing a choice between continuing to exist like that or ask for help, I think I'm going to try and choose help for now.
I truly don't believe it'll ever be possible to unsuiciden my brain lol, but maybe the reality, this shit hole where I'm stuck in, will be easier to cope with.

So, I'm planning to tell everything to my psychotherapist. And I don't care anymore if she's going to tell someone or yell at me or even call the ambulance or whatever, I do not care. I just want to go one way or another. And since there's no chance that anyone would help me with dying, at least I'm going to get some attention and care at the end of my existence. I hope I won't regret it. I know it may come with a huge price, not only the €40 that she receives each week for listening to my blabbering.

 

[SelfKill]

Good luck!

 

[Dingusguy]

Well I hope you get the help you're currently looking for, and I do genuinely hope it helps, no one should want to end their life but unfortunately a lot of people do.

Good luck with the potential recovery and "unsuicidening" of your brain :)

 

[Hotsackage]

Going outside and walking will not cure you, but it won't hurt. I wish you peace and happiness

 

[headswillroll]

I'm the same boat, I really can't keep more than a few thoughts straight in my head for over a minute.

 

[alltoomuch2]

Massive depressive episode is back in my life, welcome And it's all so much more tiring than with less intense depression. Despite the moment when I manage to focus on something else (which doesn't happen at all), I think about death all the time, everyday, every hour. Even though for the millionth time I came to the conclusion that I do want to die, really much, I'm still not ready yet to finally get my shit together and poison myself.
And it's really fucking annoying living like this, I don't know how much more I can take. So facing a choice between continuing to exist like that or ask for help, I think I'm going to try and choose help for now.
I truly don't believe it'll ever be possible to unsuiciden my brain lol, but maybe the reality, this shit hole where I'm stuck in, will be easier to cope with.

So, I'm planning to tell everything to my psychotherapist. And I don't care anymore if she's going to tell someone or yell at me or even call the ambulance or whatever, I do not care. I just want to go one way or another. And since there's no chance that anyone would help me with dying, at least I'm going to get some attention and care at the end of my existence. I hope I won't regret it. I know it may come with a huge price, not only the €40 that she receives each week for listening to my blabbering.

I get it completely. It's what we end up with and it's sensible to cry out first. It'd be stupid not to

 

[honestmind]

I'm in the exact same position. Currently trying to focus on my summer courses but can't help but feel like it's pointless due to my constant ideation. I'm trying to get help but the help isn't changing the situation I find myself in that's causing me to feel suicidal in the first place. I really hope it works for you. Thinking about suicide all the time makes me feel like there's a constant weight in my brain that's taking the energy from everything else.

 

[kyhoti]

As I drift further and further into dementia and disability, I feel the same way. The help doesn't help, it just seems pointless. I'm pretty sure I won't make it more than a few more months. It is what it is.

Best of luck on your recovery journey.

 

[just cant]

If y

Massive depressive episode is back in my life, welcome And it's all so much more tiring than with less intense depression. Despite the moment when I manage to focus on something else (which doesn't happen at all), I think about death all the time, everyday, every hour. Even though for the millionth time I came to the conclusion that I do want to die, really much, I'm still not ready yet to finally get my shit together and poison myself.
And it's really fucking annoying living like this, I don't know how much more I can take. So facing a choice between continuing to exist like that or ask for help, I think I'm going to try and choose help for now.
I truly don't believe it'll ever be possible to unsuiciden my brain lol, but maybe the reality, this shit hole where I'm stuck in, will be easier to cope with.

So, I'm planning to tell everything to my psychotherapist. And I don't care anymore if she's going to tell someone or yell at me or even call the ambulance or whatever, I do not care. I just want to go one way or another. And since there's no chance that anyone would help me with dying, at least I'm going to get some attention and care at the end of my existence. I hope I won't regret it. I know it may come with a huge price, not only the €40 that she receives each week for listening to my blabberin

Massive depressive episode is back in my life, welcome And it's all so much more tiring than with less intense depression. Despite the moment when I manage to focus on something else (which doesn't happen at all), I think about death all the time, everyday, every hour. Even though for the millionth time I came to the conclusion that I do want to die, really much, I'm still not ready yet to finally get my shit together and poison myself.
And it's really fucking annoying living like this, I don't know how much more I can take. So facing a choice between continuing to exist like that or ask for help, I think I'm going to try and choose help for now.
I truly don't believe it'll ever be possible to unsuiciden my brain lol, but maybe the reality, this shit hole where I'm stuck in, will be easier to cope with.

So, I'm planning to tell everything to my psychotherapist. And I don't care anymore if she's going to tell someone or yell at me or even call the ambulance or whatever, I do not care. I just want to go one way or another. And since there's no chance that anyone would help me with dying, at least I'm going to get some attention and care at the end of my existence. I hope I won't regret it. I know it may come with a huge price, not only the €40 that she receives each week for listening to my blabbering.

If you don't really want to die then go get your hormone and vitamin levels checked? Depression is usually an imbalance. Antidepressants will never help, but treating the imbalances will. If you are still felling down after that then what are the problems you are facing but ignoring? Look at trying to solve them

 

[dinosavr]

If y

If you don't really want to die then go get your hormone and vitamin levels checked? Depression is usually an imbalance. Antidepressants will never help, but treating the imbalances will. If you are still felling down after that then what are the problems you are facing but ignoring? Look at trying to solve them

I have my hormones, vitamins and minerals levels checked regularly. I also have regular appointments with my endocrinologist. Recently even had an MRI scan just to be sure there's no bug eating my brain cells.
Also my psychiatrist said it's very possible that the issue is something deeper as I'm treatment resistant (or almost, basically). So, to be fair I think I do enough to be allowed to say that I'm really sacrificing a lot to give recovery a chance. I want to be perfectly sure if suicide is actually the only way out.

 

[just cant]

I have my hormones, vitamins and minerals levels checked regularly. I also have regular appointments with my endocrinologist. Recently even had an MRI scan just to be sure there's no bug eating my brain cells.
Also my psychiatrist said it's very possible that the issue is something deeper as I'm treatment resistant (or almost, basically). So, to be fair I think I do enough to be allowed to say that I'm really sacrificing a lot to give recovery a chance. I want to be perfectly sure if suicide is actually the only way out.

The amount of times I have my levels tested and they say all normal has become a joke. I hope you have a great endocrinologist but I find most are a joke who are only guessing.

Complex ptsd can be treatment resistant and require a very different path of treatment.

I really hope you find something that works for you