I've wanted to CTB since I was 13 years old and I had a couple of half hearted attempts throughout my life. At age 28 I was ready to drive my car into something hard at max speed, a terrible plan I know but my best friend stopped me and saved me. We fell in love and it I entered into the happiest and most beautiful time of my life where I thought I wouldn't CTB until I was a sick and lonely old man.
The love of my life has Borderline Personality Disorder Type 1 so she idealized me into her favorite person and put me onto a pedestal I could never maintain. During the honeymoon phase she poured so much love into me that I was walking on air. Suddenly I wasn't the broken one and she needed me. She was addicted to snorting Adderall and her Klonopin was keeping her zombified to the point she hadn't seen her kids in a long time because her ex was abusive and she feared him.
I carefully and meticulously picked up the pieces of her life and put them back together again. I got her strong enough to fight for her kids and one day she even got her BPD diagnosis and finally found a direction to go in. She asked me to give up on college and my career because she didn't want to be alone while I pursued entry level developer jobs abroad.
3 years into our relationship we got custody of her kids and we were a happy family. It was just what I'd always wanted to complete me ever since my family fell apart as a boy. It was 3 years of bliss and I got to be daddy because their father went to prison for life. Her daughter had several medical complications(cerebral palsy, muscle spasticity, paraplegic with compromised immune system) and was close to death. I researched everything I could to help her and we made her healthier than she'd ever been and she went 3 years without a doctor's visit for the first time in her life.
A few days after my 35th birthday my love began to split and disassociate from me. She started seeing someone secretly and began to paint me "black" and paint them "white". Which means her mind fragmented and she could only view me and everything I'd ever done was toxic. She asked me to leave a month after my birthday so we could work on us. I came back 2 days later for my things and he was already living there.
I've known her since 4th grade.. and I watched 25 years of close friendship and 7 or years of love dissolve overnight and she took everything she was feeling for me and placed it into him like I never existed. Through this long process she wished me dead, threatened to kill herself and said she hated me. She was so sick I sympathize with her illness because I understand it so well but it devastates me to be on the outside now.
I thought it was fine for me to come get some things I desperately needed because we never stopped talking and she was pouring here heart out about how I saved her and she loved me. How she wanted to get better and continue what we had. She said I she would always love me and we were still best friends She said she was trying to get me a car because she knew she ruined me and left me broke and homeless.
When I was there in front of her new man though she said she didn't mean any of it and she was just being nice. I was polite and I didn't want to cause any problems I just wanted to say goodbye to our dog, her son and our little girl. She said I would upset them and I had to leave without saying goodbye.
The very next morning our little girl died 8 days before her 14th birthday. She aspirated to death and choked on her own fluids. My love called me hysterically crying but she wouldn't let me come out because he was there.
She came to find me in person the next day and collapsed in my arms crying and apologizing for not letting me say goodbye to her. I had to console her that it wasn't her fault even though I wanted to blame her. We held each other and sobbed for 45 minutes before she had to go meet for funeral arrangements.
At the funeral she was cold to me again..ice cold. And I overheard strangers talking about me being just some crazy ex stalker while I watched her new man comfort her and kiss her beside the coffin. I was beside myself with grief and I sobbed uncontrollably which she got mad at me for and said I needed to pull it together. I tried to say goodbye to her one last time but I was told I wasn't welcome by her aunt and that I had to leave. The funeral was at the home.. that was my home only a week ago. I wasn't welcomed there and my name wasn't even in the obituary.
She kept texting me to talk about our shared loss. But her texts were really hurtful but I persevered because I felt like she needed me even though she destroyed me. The texts stayed hurtful and became less frequent. Pretty soon it was a text at 3:30am with only a few words then a couple days of 5:30am texts telling me she didn't care about my hurt. She would only communicate with me when he wasn't giving her what she needed or she was alone.
There is no contact now.. no closure, no I'm sorry I ruined you. I couldn't sleep or eat until I got so exhausted I started passing out. Now when I dream.. I dream of the happy family I lost. I dream of her telling me we'll be together forever. I wake up to so much loss and agony it's unbearable. I've been a long time lurker of communities like this and I would usually not advise someone to CTB with a broken heart because there is so much so sort through.. but I just can't bare to wake up to this nightmare anymore. And I don't know what to do.
I'm staying with family and they are watching me like a hawk. I'm struggling to overcome the grief I will cause my family especially my mother who is staying with, my little sisters, older sisters and nieces. They have a fantasy that I'm going to come back from this and I don't know how. I read stories about people CTBing who are old and so terminally ill they only have a few methods available to them. I almost feel bad coming here to complain when I know there are those who have it worse imprisoned in their own bodies. I just don't care because my pain is so overwhelming. When I realized my love was lost I had aspirations to put myself together and get back to my little girl.
Now I'm struggling with all of the things some of us struggle with. Is there an afterlife.. if so can I go where she went? Can I overcome my survival instinct?
TL:DR, my heart was broken and my little girl died.
The love of my life has Borderline Personality Disorder Type 1 so she idealized me into her favorite person and put me onto a pedestal I could never maintain. During the honeymoon phase she poured so much love into me that I was walking on air. Suddenly I wasn't the broken one and she needed me. She was addicted to snorting Adderall and her Klonopin was keeping her zombified to the point she hadn't seen her kids in a long time because her ex was abusive and she feared him.
I carefully and meticulously picked up the pieces of her life and put them back together again. I got her strong enough to fight for her kids and one day she even got her BPD diagnosis and finally found a direction to go in. She asked me to give up on college and my career because she didn't want to be alone while I pursued entry level developer jobs abroad.
3 years into our relationship we got custody of her kids and we were a happy family. It was just what I'd always wanted to complete me ever since my family fell apart as a boy. It was 3 years of bliss and I got to be daddy because their father went to prison for life. Her daughter had several medical complications(cerebral palsy, muscle spasticity, paraplegic with compromised immune system) and was close to death. I researched everything I could to help her and we made her healthier than she'd ever been and she went 3 years without a doctor's visit for the first time in her life.
A few days after my 35th birthday my love began to split and disassociate from me. She started seeing someone secretly and began to paint me "black" and paint them "white". Which means her mind fragmented and she could only view me and everything I'd ever done was toxic. She asked me to leave a month after my birthday so we could work on us. I came back 2 days later for my things and he was already living there.
I've known her since 4th grade.. and I watched 25 years of close friendship and 7 or years of love dissolve overnight and she took everything she was feeling for me and placed it into him like I never existed. Through this long process she wished me dead, threatened to kill herself and said she hated me. She was so sick I sympathize with her illness because I understand it so well but it devastates me to be on the outside now.
I thought it was fine for me to come get some things I desperately needed because we never stopped talking and she was pouring here heart out about how I saved her and she loved me. How she wanted to get better and continue what we had. She said I she would always love me and we were still best friends She said she was trying to get me a car because she knew she ruined me and left me broke and homeless.
When I was there in front of her new man though she said she didn't mean any of it and she was just being nice. I was polite and I didn't want to cause any problems I just wanted to say goodbye to our dog, her son and our little girl. She said I would upset them and I had to leave without saying goodbye.
The very next morning our little girl died 8 days before her 14th birthday. She aspirated to death and choked on her own fluids. My love called me hysterically crying but she wouldn't let me come out because he was there.
She came to find me in person the next day and collapsed in my arms crying and apologizing for not letting me say goodbye to her. I had to console her that it wasn't her fault even though I wanted to blame her. We held each other and sobbed for 45 minutes before she had to go meet for funeral arrangements.
At the funeral she was cold to me again..ice cold. And I overheard strangers talking about me being just some crazy ex stalker while I watched her new man comfort her and kiss her beside the coffin. I was beside myself with grief and I sobbed uncontrollably which she got mad at me for and said I needed to pull it together. I tried to say goodbye to her one last time but I was told I wasn't welcome by her aunt and that I had to leave. The funeral was at the home.. that was my home only a week ago. I wasn't welcomed there and my name wasn't even in the obituary.
She kept texting me to talk about our shared loss. But her texts were really hurtful but I persevered because I felt like she needed me even though she destroyed me. The texts stayed hurtful and became less frequent. Pretty soon it was a text at 3:30am with only a few words then a couple days of 5:30am texts telling me she didn't care about my hurt. She would only communicate with me when he wasn't giving her what she needed or she was alone.
There is no contact now.. no closure, no I'm sorry I ruined you. I couldn't sleep or eat until I got so exhausted I started passing out. Now when I dream.. I dream of the happy family I lost. I dream of her telling me we'll be together forever. I wake up to so much loss and agony it's unbearable. I've been a long time lurker of communities like this and I would usually not advise someone to CTB with a broken heart because there is so much so sort through.. but I just can't bare to wake up to this nightmare anymore. And I don't know what to do.
I'm staying with family and they are watching me like a hawk. I'm struggling to overcome the grief I will cause my family especially my mother who is staying with, my little sisters, older sisters and nieces. They have a fantasy that I'm going to come back from this and I don't know how. I read stories about people CTBing who are old and so terminally ill they only have a few methods available to them. I almost feel bad coming here to complain when I know there are those who have it worse imprisoned in their own bodies. I just don't care because my pain is so overwhelming. When I realized my love was lost I had aspirations to put myself together and get back to my little girl.
Now I'm struggling with all of the things some of us struggle with. Is there an afterlife.. if so can I go where she went? Can I overcome my survival instinct?
TL:DR, my heart was broken and my little girl died.
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